Grand Theft Auto Hosts a Sleepover

Oct 11, 2011

by jbeswick
posted in Awesomeness

Exclusive to the Lunch Network

Rating:

-4

Holy shit! I'm still awake after watching this?! I've tried Valerian root, exercise, visiting testicular cancer support groups, shooting my partner in Alaskan fog and now I've endured this 2-hour starefest with Ryan Gosling and *still* can't get to sleep. What the hell is wrong with me?!

Drive combines 70s-style car-based action sequences with the snoozey parts of British periodic pieces to deliver snoozey car-based action sequences. It's hard to tell when it's set because it's kinda 80s but they didn't have tiny cell phones in the 80s so who the hell knows. And was that Christina Hendricks? Was it? I think it was. It's the tiniest role ever but I'm not sure I needed to see her headed being blown off with a shotgun. Jesus Christ.

You know, I saw Ron Perlman in the Apple store in The Grove in LA a few months back. He's got a fairly distinctive face and apparently enjoys using an iPhone and cursing gratuitously. I'm really not sold on the tough guy character in this film since this is what I remember him from:

... which may have been the most ridiculous TV show ever. Still, Linda Hamilton went on to become crazy shit at Pescadero State Mental institution and apparently fanned the flames of a coke addiction too (not the diet kind). But Perlman really peaked at Hell Boy so I'm not so sure about the Jewish mafia boss owning the world's smallest pizza delivery store.

This is a very violent film but done in an arthouse "oh-the-blood-makes-it-more-real-so-it's-ok" sort of way. At one point, Gosling stamps through somebody's head which reminds of that French flick where the guy crushes someone's face with a fire extinguisher. He doesn't even clean his shoes after which isn't very sanitary. This movie makes Team Fortress 2 look like baptist sermon.

Anyway, Carey Mulligan's in this. When I saw her name in the credits I literally thought "Holy Fuck". Her mournful expression throughout the 30-second staring contests makes me want to rescue kittens and let them ride iRobots. Her relationship with Gosling proves that it's easy to pick up single moms by staring at them pointlessly in 30-second rounds. It's probably the least-explained romantic relationship outside of daytime TV.

The pink font used in the titles is almost as bad as the music. Which is almost as bad as Albert Brooks as a tough guy. At some point in the middle I felt like I was watching Grand Theft Auto having boring sex with Miami Vice. There are some seriously illogical plot jumps that happen there too but I was merrily distracted by a notification on my phone - from Facebook, no less. Jesus I wish people would stop posting every little goddamn thing on Facebook.

So Drive really tries to give us some character depth using staring. The script must have read something like:

INT - HALLWAY - DAY

Driver stares at Mulligan. She stares back. He fixes his eyes on her and squints slightly, like he's just realized a trip to the bathroom may be imminent.

Her eyes get wider. And wider still but not so wide that they may roll out like marbles if she tilted her head forward. Wow it's a long stare. She's done this before.

I bet their eyelids are just begging to wash the dirt away. Itchy but no blinky. His gaze is laser guided - like it's trying to burn "I love you" onto her forehead using just eye power with no lasers. She feels it. But she keeps staring anyway. It's really intense - you should see it. It's awesome.

Drive is the sort of flick that makes you realize that movie theaters really don't invest in their seating anymore. And that's just not cool. It makes me pine for the days of Point Break when nobody would fuck with Patrick Swayze - not even Warchild would stare at him this long.

Are there any good films out this year? Hello? Anyone?

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woopak_the_thrill October 11, 2011

why under 'awesomeness' for a -5 flick? awesomely bad? LOL!! I think you meant this for the topic with the RYAN GOSLING movie right? This is the topic: http://www.lunch.com/Reviews/movie/Drive_2011_film_-1764391.html

jbeswick October 11, 2011

Awesomely bad. :-)

woopak_the_thrill October 11, 2011

here's the correct topic: http://www.lunch.com/Reviews/movie/Drive_2011_film_-1764391.html

jbeswick October 11, 2011

Ahhhh.... crap. I think we need some admin magic to move it over.

woopak_the_thrill October 11, 2011

oh, on the drop down action button, there's 'change topic'...and you can move it.

jbeswick October 11, 2011

Batch error - could not update JDBC blah blah... it's a Lunch.com technical error - help!

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review by luan_gaines. March 18, 2009

(4.5) "Much later... Driver would wonder if he had made a terrible mistake."

Driver is a survivor. A movie stuntman, he makes his way on raw talent, the horrors of his Arizona childhood left behind at sixteen when he walks away from his foster parents, steals their car and heads to LA. Known for his driving skills, Driver is caught up in another, more lucrative trade, driving getaway cars for small time robbers, until the last job, one that leaves him injured, three dead bodies scattered about the room. Trying to make right … more

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James Beswick (jbeswick)
Ranked #3

Lunch.com's "token Brit".