While in the hospital (doped up):
Phil: Don't talk black to me!
On being a cool dad:
Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
On his expectations:
Phil: Haley is so pretty. So she can meet someone who's the best at something
On new ways of looking at things:
Phil: Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both
On strained relationships:
Phil: Jay and I are buds, for sure, but with kind of um, an invisible, asterisk. Um, he's not the, he's not a talker, or, or hugger. Once he ran over my foot with his car. But in his defense, he had just given up smoking, but basically we're buds
Phil: I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?
On proving oneself:
Phil: A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It's like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.
Phil [on his fists]: I'm gonna introduce him to the Captain... and Tenille.
On the future:
Phil: One day I'm gonna be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat.
On the past:
Phil: I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.
On his importance in the Universe:
Phil: The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."
On settling down:
Phil: Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom.
On being a man:
Phil: My boy was in trouble. So I put my fears aside and came to his rescue? Does that make me a hero? Yes it does.
On being a man II:
Phil: You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.
On friendly competition:
Phil: Did he trump me? You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fritelli's, a family style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row...yeah, he got me. He got me.
On being a concerned father:
Phil: You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation
On reputation management:
Phil: Some people call me a salesman, I call myself a salesfriend, so obviously I need strangers to trust me. I don't take it kindly when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.
On what's important:
Phil: Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties.
On patronizing one's wife:
Phil: The little snowflake makes it cold, cold, cold. Set Temperature makes it hold, hold, hold...
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.
And the man behind the genius, Ty Burrell:
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