So many women, so little time! After answering a question about who would portray me in a film about my life (thanks, woopak), it got me thinking about who would portray my love interest. Of course, in a film about my life, I'd have to embellish the hotness and number of the women I encounter. Therefore, here's a list of ten of the loveliest ladies I would want to portray my love interest and exactly what part of my life they would be included in. Enjoy this silliness for what it is!
She's cute and quirky and has a ton of nerd cred to her name, so I'd have to pick lovely Zooey Deschanel to be my first love in the film. She'd go with me to movies and festivals and share many firsts with me. Then she would crush my heart when she decides to move away to France to study art.
With my heart thoroughly crushed, I'd seek out a gorgeous and fiery redhead to pick me up. Karen Gillan, of Doctor Who fame, would portray my second love, and she'd get me through the last couple of years of high school before crushing my heart when she moves back to the United Kingdom to study physics.
After a torrid long weekend....okay, maybe an entire week....with Eva Mendes, I'd wind up in merry old England looking for Karen. Instead of running into her, though, I stumble upon the lovely Billie Piper, who would portray my third love in the film. She and I would share many months of happiness with each other until she rips out my heart by leaving me for some cat named David Tennant! To recover, I'd run back to Eva and have yet another week....okay, maybe two weeks...of wild and passionate love with her!
With Billie just a passing thought, and another hot pair of weeks....okay, maybe a month....with Eva, I decide to get serious about my love life and seek out an intelligent, quirky, and somewhat psychotic love interest. Who do I find? Helena Bonham Carter. We discuss art and theatre and read poetry to each other while wearing a lot of black. Eventually, I'm forced to leave her when she attempts to stab me with a pair of gardening shears. Barely escaping with my life, I run back to Eva yet again for another month....hold up....a year of mad love with her.
With such bad luck with all of these UK ladies, I decide to find me a good Southern girl and happen to meet up with Kim Basinger. Our romance is brief (roughly Nine And A Half Weeks) but fun, and we agree to part ways but still remain in contact. I then hop a train back to Eva's place and spend a good year....make that two years....filled with passion and fire. Then I move back to merry old England and go cougar hunting.
While cougar hunting in England, I manage to harvest the ultimate cougar, Helen Mirren. Just being in her presence drives me to the brink of insanity, so after a lot of lovin' and learnin' from a wise woman, I hightail it back to the good ol' U.S. of A. to spend a quick two....nope, more like three....year stay with Eva Mendes, and teach her everything I learned across the pond. My time with Eva is amazing, but I soon start to realize that I'm becoming an old man who has yet to find that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. This leads to one of my most wonderful and terrifying relationships of all....
...Lucy Lawless. Lucy abuses me, physically and mentally, and leaves me doubting my own existence. Life is pretty miserable, but, darn it, she's just way tooooo hot to let go of. Eventually my neighbor, portrayed by Kevin Sorbo, calls the cops on Lucy and after a three hour gunfight, they drag her away to the big house. Kevin then drives me over to Eva's house and I spend three....okay, four...long years recovering from the abuse dealt at Lucy's hands. Eva begs me to stay, but once again I leave to answer the call of the wild.
Although it broke my heart to leave poor Eva again, I had to find that one lady whom I could love forever. Luckily for me I happen to run into Jewel Staite (Firefly) while on a hiking excursion in Canada. Her lovely eyes and adorable smile capture my soul. We fall madly in love and eventually marry in Vancouver, B.C. only to divorce two years later when I catch her with Nathan Fillion in the back of my Ford F-250 that I use to haul food to the needy. Crushed yet again, I run back to Eva who refuses to allow me to hurt her again. With nowhere to go and no one to turn to, I find myself lost and alone.
Heartbroken, crushed, and tired of life, I head back home to Louisiana. Eva doesn't return my calls. Zooey's singing career has taken off and now refers to me as a boy she once knew. Helen thinks I'm too old for her. Billie and Karen have restraining orders against me. I have to wait ten years (nine for good behavior) before I can see Lucy again. Kim wants to remain "just friends" and Helena is just too frickin' scary to try and contact again.
I'm all alone until, just before the credits role, supermodel Marisa Miller stops by my house in the middle of nowhere asking for directions to Interstate Ten. I draw her a map that looks much like my heart, and she and I head out together on a whirlwind trip across the United States until we run off of a cliff in California and meet a fiery fate. Oh well, it's going to be tough, but I think I might just enjoy this film about my life!
Despite looking extremely cool, I have to admit that I'm a dork. I grew up on the outskirts of the small town of Oberlin, LA. I have since relocated to the Lake Charles, LA area.I love my home state … more