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Bar Girls

1 rating: -3.0
A movie directed by Marita Giovanni

The love lives of a group of Los Angeles lesbians who all frequent an establishment known as the "Girl Bar" form the basis for this unique romantic comedy--without men! Based on Laura Hoffman's stage play.

Director: Marita Giovanni
Release Date: 1995
MPAA Rating: R
1 review about Bar Girls

Bar Girls - 1994

  • May 10, 2002
Rating:
-3
Pros: I never have to watch it again

Cons: 15 words is such a small amount, don't you think?

The Bottom Line: What does a lesbian take on her second date? A U-Haul. Sorry, needed to do that.

I got up at 6 am this morning, just to watch this movie in honor of my new category leader, Psychovant. Shannon, I don’t like you anymore.

In short, Bar Girls is a bad lesbian movie, gone bad. The story centers in a bar, titled Scorpio, with two barkeeps that have been around the scene for way too long, and have lacked personal female companionship for even longer.

The main characters (normally I would say actors, but characters apply better) are a rag-tag crew consisting of wanna be actress, Rachael (Liza D’Agostino) and her love Sandy (CeCe Tsou); writer of some weird cartoon titled ‘Super Myrtle’ is whiny Loretta (Nancy A. Wolfe) who works with trying-to-be-straight-and-failing Noah (Michael Harris); ‘I’m in the police academy’ JR (Camila Griggs); a whole slew of people that are noted as ‘bar fly’, and oh, yeah, Chastity Bono, who walks into one scene and says “Hey, I’m a scorp”. End of part.

Rachael and Sandy are in a ‘committed’ relationship that ends suddenly over drinks, while Rachael and Loretta lean over her passed out body on the table and make eyes at each other. What’s next you ask? Of course you do, you know you do! Rachael and Loretta move in together and are in a ‘committed’ relationship that ends suddenly with the appearance of sly fox JR on the bar scene.

As JR explains to Loretta, ‘Rachael is the girl of my dreams. I want her’. This is right before Loretta and JR practically rape each other. Ya know what’s coming, JR is gonna tell Rachael that she and Loretta got it on, because Rachael believes in ‘committed’ relationships. Rachael moves back in with Sandy, just because it is convenient, but is seeing JR. Meanwhile, Sandy is in a new ‘committed’ relationship with Annie (Lisa Parker), who was the one true love of Loretta, but Annie was in another ‘committed’ relationship although she was boffing Loretta on the side.

So, it seems that Sandy and Annie are gonna tie the knot, but they are taking a temporary break, seeing other people just to make sure it is a real ‘committed’ relationship. Annie takes up with JR, who definitely seems to be the bar ‘ho-bag, which ticks Sandy off. A fight ensues, actually there are quite a few fights in this little bar that vaguely resembles a basement rec room gone seedy.

Who the Hell ends up with who is anybody’s guess. As well, no one really gives a tinkers damn if anybody ends up with anybody. All you can think about is two things. (1) Will this movie ever end and (2) Who the Hell is that singing in the background? Well, calling it singing is almost like calling these people actresses. Picture a root canal, add fingernails on a blackboard, a cat in heat, and that sound you make when you have stomach cramps really bad and haven’t had enough fiber in your diet.

There are two good parts to the movie, using the term loosely. The best, as far as I’m concerned, is when Loretta and Noah are trying to hawk their new ideas to the publicity people. They want Super Myrtle to really ‘come out’ and have a big lesbian relationship. She refuses, saying it has to be heter not homo. While she strokes her little purple haired Troll doll. They kidnap the Troll and hold it for ransom until she sees things their way. Eventually, I think she ‘really sees things their way’ if ya get my drift.

Secondly, little Veronica (Justine Slater), who is just about as straight as you’ll get in this movie (Loretta confronts her with “You? Friend of semen?”) decides she just has to make love to a ‘real’ woman. A femme, if you will. But on her first trip to Scorpio she ends up with Tracy (Paula Sorge) who tries to come off as the big buff bull dyke. Now, this turned out to be a ‘committed’ relationship and it turns out Tracy wasn’t all that big bad self after all.

Since I spoke so highly of the musical soundtrack of this movie, I should mention the majority of the work was performed (using that term loosely as well) by The Ringling Girls, with help from Megazoid and The Screaming Sirens. However, I must make note of one song Everybody’s F*ckin’ My Baby, which was performed by Honk If Yer Horny. However, you can thank the Ringling’s for your pain during most of the movie.

Appropriately, something should be said about the filming quality and acting ability. There, I said it.

Written by Lauran Hoffman, directed by Marita Giovanni. It’s nothing to be proud of, nothing to seek out, nothing to rent, and nothing to mention. Actually, Roger Ebert was fairly decent in his review of this movie, I’ll give him that. Actually, he was generous.

Just for you Shannon, just for you

Thanks,
Susi

Thanks to Michael Harris, we have a two-bite Bacon sandwich here. He linked everyone (even Chastity) to Bacon in two steps.


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