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Ice Queen

1 rating: -3.0
A movie

Lurking deep in an Amazonian forest, a doctor discovers the perfectly preserved remains of a female human being, who he believes has been buried there for centuries. But as the doctor escorts his find back to America, his plane crashes into a ski resort, … see full wiki

MPAA Rating: R
1 review about Ice Queen

Ice Queen - 2005

  • Dec 20, 2009
Pros: horny Ice Queen

Cons: entire movie

The Bottom Line:
“Here comes the ice queen
No heart and no emotions
So it seems”
~Trish Thuy Trang

Anytime you get big money, scientists, and the government together, you got Trouble with a capital T. That holds true with Ice Queen but I have no idea why. The evil 3 mentioned above have this “thing” being kept alive by their usual wires and gizmos. They are transporting it to … dunno, I forget … via airplane. I have so many questions about this entire adventure, but, alas, I’ve found no answers. Anyway, weird evil scientist owned by the big money is transporting this babe on ice and for some dang reason it manages to unthaw while in flight.

See, this is bad. She has a bit of an attitude problem but we don’t know why. We also don’t know why she has to kill everything she comes in contact with. Which is another thing that confuses me. If she is so delicate to heat affects, wouldn’t thrusting her arm inside a warm, vibrant, body cause her problems? If the paltry little blow of warm air from a hand dryer in a bathroom [don’t know where THEY managed to find one that actually blows warm air], then I would think a body at 98.6 wouldn’t be good for her either.

It doesn’t, however, seem to slow her down one bit when she comes across some victim and eviscerates them. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First we have Johnny, a low level horn dog, at a wet T-shirt contest at the local establishment. Egged on by his buddies, even knowing his little woman is at home wondering where he is, he makes the moves on one of the contestants, slathering her ample breasts with water. Did I mention this was at a ski lodge? The entire thing was rather nipplicious, frankly.

Things seem to be going just fine for Johnny, in fact he scores the big one but wakes in the morning realizing two things. His nads slowly creep back up into his body when he finds he has; 1] slept over at big boobs house, and 2] apparently lent her the rent money his main squeeze Tori had given him for the back rent. It wouldn’t be so bad but he doesn’t even know her name and all he has is a scrawled note thanking him for the night and the loan, and telling him she had to leave early for a job interview.

Cut to the ski lodge and Tori. Damn, Johnny, you are in big trouble, really big trouble. Tori is looking hard for Johnny, she has already received a call from the landlord and to top it off, Johnny didn’t return to her snuggly bed for the night. Approaching her uncle, who runs the lodge or something, she passes him an ominous warning for Johnny. Then she goes off to conduct a job interview. Oh, double doo-doo for Johnny, the interview is with his boob mate from the night before.

Meanwhile Johnny and his work partners, gather on the side of the mountain to set off charges to release the packed snow. Apparently they do this to help alleviate avalanche potential and to supply fresh new powder on the slopes. Meeting up with them is their boss, some tight bunned b_itch that definitely has a hard spot for this group of neanderthals and looks for ways to punish them. Her target today is poor Johnny who just can’t seem to catch a break. He’s sent packing back to the lodge, some place he really doesn’t want to be because he’ll have to confront Tori and he don’t even know big boobs is in Tori’s office.

The two dweebs stay behind and armed with their trusty blow guns they take aim at a large crest of snow on the top of the mountain. Woulda been a good shot except for one thing. It is at that exact moment that the plane, with the ice wench on board, decides to crash into the side of the mountain. Seems the ice babe, after waking, ripped the heart out of the pilot and guard, leaving only her and the scientist on board the plane.

As the broken plane teeters on the top of the mountain, the two boys below realize what the hey is about to happen and they hop on their snow boards and get the flock outta there. Now, really, ahead of a rushing avalanche? We clearly see them take a direct hit but who are we to question things? Meanwhile, as the ice babe jostles around in the plane, it becomes dislodged and starts sliding down the mountain on the heels of the avalanche. We get several really fun shots of the scientist looking like he is take his final ride at Magic Mountain or something. Disney couldn’t even think up a ride like this one.

The next confusing thing is the arrival of the plane at the bottom. It was on the tails of the avalanche yet, amazingly, we find it buried inside the lodge. Or at least what is left of the lodge. As far as the perimeter people, the lodgers, ain’t pretty folks. At first light we find Johnny, Tori, and big boobs as the only survivors inside We also have scientist and ice queen, buried elsewhere in the lodge. On the exterior we have Uncle whoever, who was taking out the trash with his trusty dog Patch, when he saw the snow rushing down the mountain.

He jumps in his car to get away just as the snow hits. All the cars are thrown around like Godzilla was passing through but when it settles we see Uncle sitting in his car patiently. No sign of Patch but don’t fear, he soon lopes over to cast a disapproving eye on Uncle. Uncle grabs up his cell and calls the nearby disaster services but it doesn’t bode well. Seems Uncle has a rep as the town drunk, although he has been a friend of Bill W for some time now, and they don’t believe him. Even chide him. I have just so many tiny, niggly, problems with this.

First and foremost, did no one have a radar blip or something on this plane? If so, didn’t they notice the blip suddenly disappeared? Secondly, hello, they are the disaster service department for this area. Don’t they have some kind of monitors on the snow activity? Aren’t they aware when there is an avalanche? I’ve seen the gadgets in other movies, come on. They aren’t that far away, they must have heard some noise or felt some tremors. Beyond all that, when someone calls and says there has been an avalanche and the lodge and all people are buried, shouldn’t they react at some tiny little level? Just asking.

Somehow, by heavenly intervention I guess, the two dweebs survive the tumble and end up inside the lodge. They are joined by, oh lucky day, the tight bunned b_itch of a boss, and all meet up with Johnny, Tori, and big boobs. I’m really sorry I can’t remember her name, only her attributes. Having “I’m with stupid” stamped on all their foreheads, the group decides to split up to find their way out. Doesn’t work out well, as you can imagine, because they meet up with ice babe and she’s got an attitude for some reason. Sexually frustrated, I guess, just ask Johnny.

Yes, for some reason, she has the colds for Johnny. I guess it is because his body temp has been dropping after being trapped in the snow, especially with Tori and big boobs together, and she starts some lurid sex dance for him that is really worth watching the entire movie. These three, with her on their tail, begin some Poseidon adventure in snow to find a way out of the lodge. Meanwhile, Uncle and Patch are topside with a stick, poking it in the snow to see if they can find a way into the lodge. All he manages to find is a bottle of Jack, lucky Uncle.

In reality this is a really bad movie. The idea was a good one and, frankly, the ice queen is fairly delectable if you can get past her bad denture work. She’s got a healthy shade of blue and flowing blonde hair and a body to die for, which many do. As far as acting abilities, she is the only one that gave the slightest personality to her character, the balance of the group was rather one-dimensional. Only her mother would probably recognize Ami Chorlton under all that make-up.

The only other character that held a bit of charm was Patch, played by Lucy the Dog. I’ve always wondered why they change animals names for movies. It didn’t look like a Patch, so why bother? As far as the rest of the cast, I didn’t know a single one but that doesn’t mean a thing. As bad as their acting was, I’ll pass anyway. Daniel Hall Kuhn made a rather good demented scientist, Dr. Goddard. He was the perfect match for the ice queen but she just couldn’t see it.

Neil Kinsella directed this epic as well as co-writing it with Peter Beckwith. It carries an R rating for violence, gore, language and sexuality. We do have a fair share of naked boobs in this movie. Sadly the awards folks didn’t find any merit with this film. I really can’t recommend it so take heed.



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