SusiDee34
"Bar Girls - 1994"
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Rating:
Pros: I never have to watch it again
-3
Cons: 15 words is such a small amount, don't you think?
The Bottom Line: What does a lesbian take on her second date? A U-Haul. Sorry, needed to do that.
I got up at 6 am this morning, just to watch this movie in honor of my new category leader, Psychovant. Shannon, I dont like you anymore.
In short, Bar Girls is a bad lesbian movie, gone bad. The story centers in a bar, titled Scorpio, with two barkeeps that have been around the scene for way too long, and have lacked personal female companionship for even longer.
The main characters (normally I would say actors, but characters apply better) are a rag-tag crew consisting of wanna be actress, Rachael (Liza DAgostino) and her love Sandy (CeCe Tsou); writer of some weird cartoon titled Super Myrtle is whiny Loretta (Nancy A. Wolfe) who works with trying-to-be-straight-and-failing Noah (Michael Harris); Im in the police academy JR (Camila Griggs); a whole slew of people that are noted as bar fly, and oh, yeah, Chastity Bono, who walks into one scene and says Hey, Im a scorp. End of part.
Rachael and Sandy are in a committed relationship that ends suddenly over drinks, while Rachael and Loretta lean over her passed out body on the table and make eyes at each other. Whats next you ask? Of course you do, you know you do! Rachael and Loretta move in together and are in a committed relationship that ends suddenly with the appearance of sly fox JR on the bar scene.
As JR explains to Loretta, Rachael is the girl of my dreams. I want her. This is right before Loretta and JR practically rape each other. Ya know whats coming, JR is gonna tell Rachael that she and Loretta got it on, because Rachael believes in committed relationships. Rachael moves back in with Sandy, just because it is convenient, but is seeing JR. Meanwhile, Sandy is in a new committed relationship with Annie (Lisa Parker), who was the one true love of Loretta, but Annie was in another committed relationship although she was boffing Loretta on the side.
So, it seems that Sandy and Annie are gonna tie the knot, but they are taking a temporary break, seeing other people just to make sure it is a real committed relationship. Annie takes up with JR, who definitely seems to be the bar ho-bag, which ticks Sandy off. A fight ensues, actually there are quite a few fights in this little bar that vaguely resembles a basement rec room gone seedy.
Who the Hell ends up with who is anybodys guess. As well, no one really gives a tinkers damn if anybody ends up with anybody. All you can think about is two things. (1) Will this movie ever end and (2) Who the Hell is that singing in the background? Well, calling it singing is almost like calling these people actresses. Picture a root canal, add fingernails on a blackboard, a cat in heat, and that sound you make when you have stomach cramps really bad and havent had enough fiber in your diet.
There are two good parts to the movie, using the term loosely. The best, as far as Im concerned, is when Loretta and Noah are trying to hawk their new ideas to the publicity people. They want Super Myrtle to really come out and have a big lesbian relationship. She refuses, saying it has to be heter not homo. While she strokes her little purple haired Troll doll. They kidnap the Troll and hold it for ransom until she sees things their way. Eventually, I think she really sees things their way if ya get my drift.
Secondly, little Veronica (Justine Slater), who is just about as straight as youll get in this movie (Loretta confronts her with You? Friend of semen?) decides she just has to make love to a real woman. A femme, if you will. But on her first trip to Scorpio she ends up with Tracy (Paula Sorge) who tries to come off as the big buff bull dyke. Now, this turned out to be a committed relationship and it turns out Tracy wasnt all that big bad self after all.
Since I spoke so highly of the musical soundtrack of this movie, I should mention the majority of the work was performed (using that term loosely as well) by The Ringling Girls, with help from Megazoid and The Screaming Sirens. However, I must make note of one song Everybodys F*ckin My Baby, which was performed by Honk If Yer Horny. However, you can thank the Ringlings for your pain during most of the movie.
Appropriately, something should be said about the filming quality and acting ability. There, I said it.
Written by Lauran Hoffman, directed by Marita Giovanni. Its nothing to be proud of, nothing to seek out, nothing to rent, and nothing to mention. Actually, Roger Ebert was fairly decent in his review of this movie, Ill give him that. Actually, he was generous.
Just for you Shannon, just for you
Thanks,
Susi
Thanks to Michael Harris, we have a two-bite Bacon sandwich here. He linked everyone (even Chastity) to Bacon in two steps.
Recommended:
No
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About the reviewer
Susi Dawson (SusiDee34)
Ranked #26
Ranked #26
Live your life with the goal to 'pay it forward' and do one good thing for someone else
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About this movie
The love lives of a group of Los Angeles lesbians who all frequent an establishment known as the "Girl Bar" form the basis for this unique romantic comedy--without men! Based on Laura Hoffman's stage play.
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Cast:
Michael Harris
Director:
Marita Giovanni
Release Date:
1995
MPAA Rating:
R
DVD Release Date:
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment (March 19, 2002)
Runtime:
1hr 35min
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