Pardon me for the sexist joke I’m about to make. Six women go into a cave and there is no one else to ask for directions; how many make it out alive?
I have an idea. Most horror movies are filmed in about 60-70% dark; why not try for 90% and see what happens? We can film it in a cave so the only lights are from spelunking helmets and flashlights; add lots of screaming and the audience will totally like wet itself dude.
A klatch of women are into something akin to extreme sports. We first find them in a raft on rapids. Then, for some reason never explained, an accident occurs where the husband and child of one of the women are killed. Fast forward a year or so when the klatch gather at some point along the Appalachian Mountains for some good old fashioned spelunking. This is a supposed horror flick, what do you think happens next? Yes, a cave in—and this is further complicated by another standard barer (though this time in the disguise of a female) someone doesn’t bring the guide book. Enter some humanoid and bat-like creatures, some goo, a goodly amount of guts and a staggering amount of bones and you have yourself the movie version of a fast food #6 with extra ketchup.
I’m beginning to feel like a broken record since the movies I’ve been getting from Netflix have all sucked terribly lately. The Descent is so predictable that even the supposedly ‘shock’ scenes where one of the boogie-monsters (hehe) jump out are so telegraphed that you would have to be either totally baked or half dead not to see it coming.
Good thrillers and horror movies use a technique that I call ‘making you wish you had control of the camera’ because you know if the camera moves just a little the way you want you can spot the horror and maybe do something about it—this kind of anticipation is one of the reasons people watch this sort of story. Here I didn’t really care what the camera was doing, I wanted, for the sake of my increasing headache at the nature of this film, to control the lighting. Six people squiggling around in all directions means you really see nothing at all. Early on I can see spending a little energy to try to adjust to this trope. After only about ten minutes though, my eyes decided not to try to make sense of it and just view it as a Jackson Pollock painting rigged to scream an awful lot.
Some people tried to act, but basically you just get women screaming in American, British, and Irish accents. I think someone directed it and it appears that there was some minimal writing. Someone definitely edited the film and I have a feeling it is because they lost a bet.
There were two things that didn’t outright suck. First the music was pretty top shelf, not the best there is, but better than the meal (movie) required—though any wine may go with a cheeseburger. The other thing is that there were 6 women and none of them went naked even for a brief second. That has to be a horror film first.
This movie isn’t bad. Bad is a movie where Ernest goes somewhere. A terrible movie is something made where Mel Gibson is the auteur. No this is much worse than all of those. I hate to give a film like this a new word but I’m feeling slightly charitable so we will just call The Descent supercalifragilisticexpial-atrocious.
If you want the answer to the joke—and it truly is funny . . . the answer is zero.
What did you think of this review?