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Transformers: Dark of the Moon

A movie directed by Michael Bay

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The Latest Entry in Bay's Awful Franchise

  • Jun 30, 2011
Rating:
+2
Star Rating:


Why are they still making these movies? If you even think of coming back at me with, “Because they make money,” you no longer have permission to read my reviews. Even escapist movies that require no thought and have no message to send deserve good characters and decent dialogue, and they should at the very least be entertaining. Is that really so hard? For Michael Bay and his crew, especially his screenwriters, the answer is apparently yes. The first two Transformers movies were feature-length marketing gimmicks that did nothing but assault the eyes and deaden the imagination. Given this track record, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Transformers: Dark of the Moon is no different. Sadly, not being surprised doesn’t make the experience of watching it any easier.
 
This third installment of the hugely successful franchise is loud, aggressive, lengthy, and dumb. If there is a just and loving God, it will be the last installment. Its plot a confusing mess of government conspiracies, alien invasions, alliances, betrayals, and double crossings, which is to say that no potential audience is likely to make heads or tails of what the hell is going on. The characters are so broadly drawn that they belong in a parody. The dialogue sounds like it was written by potty-mouthed fifteen-year-old computer geeks. The action sequences don’t stimulate the senses so much as rape them; by the end of the movie, my ears felt like they on the verge of bleeding, and my eyes were sore from the 3D effects and the overuse of lightning-quick cuts, slow motion blurs, and computerized imagery, most of which consists of morphing machinery. Man, does that get tiresome.

                                           
                                             
Much of the cast returns from the previous two films, including Shia LaBeouf, John Turturro, Peter Cullen, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Julie White, and Kevin Dunn. The only notable exception is Megan Fox, who was said to be unhappy with Bay’s work ethic and reportedly compared him to Hitler. As to whether or not this actually happened, as to whether this was a case of her being asked to not return or her choosing to leave, I obviously have no way of knowing. What I do know is that, regardless of the circumstances, this was one of the best things that could have happened to her; she no longer has to associate herself with this awful franchise, which may go down as one of the worst in cinematic history. New to the film are Patrick Dempsey, John Malkovich, Ken Jeong, Frances McDormand, Leonard Nimoy, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who steps in as LaBeouf’s new girlfriend. Too bad she’s not given anything to do besides look pretty.
 
The plot, as it were, involves the revelation that, back in 1961, an escaped ship from the war-ravaged Transformer planet crash landed on Earth’s moon, and that the 1969 moon landing was actually a mission to collect samples from the ship. In the present day, the benevolent Autobot Optimus Prime (voiced by Cullen) is disheartened when he learns that a piece of their recovered technology is in the hands of the Ukrainian government, and that the Soviets’ attempts to harness its power resulted in the Chernobyl disaster. Although he and the rest of the Autobots are in league with the American government, he now realizes that humans are not as trustworthy as they once seemed, so he takes it upon himself to fly to the moon and retrieve the dormant pilot of the crashed ship, Sentinel Prime (voiced by Nimoy). He also collects a series of metal rods called Pillars, which, apparently, can create a wormhole capable of transporting matter.

                                           
                                             
Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) has graduated from college but is unable to find work, much to the chagrin of his incredibly annoying parents (Dunn and White). He has a hot new English girlfriend named Carly (Whiteley), who works for a man named Dylan (Dempsey), a wealthy playboy with a sizeable car collection. A threat in all respects. Just as Sam gets a new job in the mailroom of an office building, he reteams with retired agent Seymour Simmons (Turturro) when he begins to suspect that the evil Decepticons are systematically targeting people who were involved with both the American and Russian space missions. This leads to the introduction of the bitchy Secretary of Defense (McDormand), which then leads to a series of other revelations before a final battle/destruction scene in Chicago that goes on and on and on and on and on. At a certain point, I was actually praying for the movie to come to an end.
 
Much of Transformers: Dark of the Moon is made worse by Bay’s curious practice of inserting jokes into scenes that don’t call for them. Perhaps the issue is that Bay wouldn’t know funny even if he got a pie in the face before slipping on a banana peel. Somehow, I just can’t laugh at a robot life form from another planet saying, “This is a clusterf–.” No, I didn’t just censor myself; the scene was edited so that it would cut away at the exact right moment. Many of the actors – including Malkovich, Jeong, and McDormand – deliver their lines as if they were unsure of their purpose in the movie. Indeed, they contribute next to nothing, apart from unnecessary comedy relief. Jeong in particular does little more than embarrass himself. Thank God he has such little screen time. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my feelings for this movie abundantly clear.

                                               

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July 08, 2011
i liked it a bit more than Revenge of the fallen. But not as much as the first movie. This one seemed almost rushed. nice review
July 09, 2011
Thanks for the comment, but you should know that I equally hated all three movies.
July 13, 2011
(sorry for the late reply) Well according to Honda "to each thier own" Mitch the Zombie FTW!!!!!
July 14, 2011
Mitch the Zombie? I have no idea who that is. He must be a character in a movie I missed.
July 14, 2011
Interesting. I personally can't make a connection between a zombie and a Honda, but I guess that's just me.
July 14, 2011
Nah its not. Its an odd advertisment campaign but hey Aftetr Old Spice Guy anything is possible.
 
July 07, 2011
Very good review and photos! I will be skipping this one. To think, the money they spent could have been spent in making a new Stargate Atlantis movie or something interesting. :)
July 09, 2011
Thanks for the comment. Making movies based on a line of toys isn't automatically a bad idea, but in the hands of Michael Bay, they were all disasters. What I don't understand is why general audiences enjoy them so much.
July 10, 2011
Dont' know. I think all the blow up the city stuff is a bit overdone. However, I did enjoy 2012 because it was so over the top implausible that it was unintentionally hilarious.
July 14, 2011
I enjoyed 2012 strictly for the visual effects, which are unlike any I've ever seen. Honestly, I don't think I've seen such glorious destruction of the Earth. For God's sake, Los Angeles breaks off into chunks and sinks into the ocean!
July 14, 2011
Yes, exactly.
July 14, 2011
DUDE!!!!!! Your awesome> Ive been waiting for an SGA movie for Years.
July 14, 2011
KingreX32, I did not mean the SGA movie is being made, I meant the money spent on Transformers could have been better spent on an SGA movie. Sadly, because of the down ratings for Stargate Universe, the powers that be decided not to make any more movies or TV series for the franchise. Idiots. Hopefully they'll change their minds later in the year.
 
June 30, 2011
My expectations for this movie is really low. I would be lying if I said I am not going to see it, since I think I just have to at this point. My friends really want to see this one so I'll have to go....as soon as I hunt down a non-3D screening. Thanks for the sweet review!
July 03, 2011
Saw it last week and it had a better plot than the previous film, but...the script just fumbled everything in its execution. So annoying, I lost several brain cells with this flick.
July 03, 2011
Yes, these movies are brain-killing. As to why they make money, as to why people enjoy seeing them, I really have no idea.
 
June 30, 2011
Somehow, I just can’t laugh at a robot life form from another planet saying, “This is a clusterf–.” No, I didn’t just censor myself; the scene was edited so that it would cut away at the exact right moment.

Unmistakable Bay inanity, that. Compared to the King of Explosions and Asinine Dialogue, the masterwork of T. Wiseau is an exercise in restraint and good taste.

You've my heartfelt thanks for suffering this for all of us who can't and won't bring ourselves to. My first and last Bay film endured in theater was Armageddon, the stupidity of which beggars belief. On the other hand, the Rifftrax riff for this should be as entertaining as that of the prior two entries.
 
1
More Transformers: Dark of the Moon reviews
review by . July 01, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
Too Much Excessive, Inane Issues Hamper The Potential Gritty Appeal of The Robot Fights...
Allow me to re-elaborate how I felt about the first two films in the “Transformers” saga directed by Michael Bay and co-produced by Steven Spielberg. I know that the films were never faithful to the cartoon series nor to the 80’s comic books, but we have to remember that those two installments were made to promote a toy line from Hasbro and so all three films have the label “based on the Hasbro toys“ and this trilogy of films were made to sell more toys. The first …
review by . June 29, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
There is something to admire about Michael Bay.  He makes the movies he wants to make and doesn't care what the critics or anyone else thinks.  He knows exactly what his fans want and always manages to deliver on that front.  There is something quite admirable about a man who wants to simply sit back and make senseless movies.  That's actually not an insult, it's a compliment.  That doesn't mean I like Michael Bay movies, but it does mean that I have no big …
review by . July 08, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
As the Transformers movies went on, they got better and better each time for one reason, the humans got pushed to the background and we got to see more Transformers, more action and more excitement.  The first movie took it's damn time getting the Transformers out there with only glimpses of them here and there before a great action finale.  The second one, while maligned by many for many good reasons of too much comic relief, creaky story telling and broad racial stereotypes at least …
review by . June 29, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
   Dark of the Moon was one of the most anticipated summer movies because it announced the closing, the ending, the final venture of this human and alien robots story. The last movie was pretty much acknowledged as a total catastrophe by the critics and cinephiles around the globe even though it scored highly at the box-office (like that really matters when judging quality). It was built on pure non-sense defining the point-less action movies of this generation. However, everyone turned …
review by . June 29, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
I don't believe Michael Bay has ever met a special effect he didn't like or an object he didn't want to blow up. For those fans of Michael Bay you are gonna get more of the same, maybe even a little darker than his attempts before. For those of you who are fans of non-stop action and that is all you need from a movie than by all means stop reading here and enjoy the film. I am not a Michael Bay fan and maybe that bias gets in the way, but good lord was this a dumb movie.   …
review by . June 29, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
Transformers-Dark Of The Moon' 'Two Jews On Film' Are On Different Planets With This One (Video)
   By Joan Alperin Schwartz      'Transformers - Dark Of The Moon' presented in 3D is directed by Michael Bay.      First, I'll start with the good stuff.  And yes, there is 'good stuff'.  In fact, I think this is the best 'Transformers' of the series...which may or may not be saying much...depending on how you felt about the other two.      Here it goes...In no particular order...What I liked …
review by . June 29, 2011
posted in Picktainment
First off I should preface this by confessing that I am a big transformers fan: 1) I blame my brother for introducing me to the cartoon series at a young age and 2) I blame Michael Bay for making it look so badass to be a transforming robot.  I mean, let’s be honest here, Bay has created three films for a franchise that can now continue to grow by showing younger generations that “old” cartoons make for some pretty cool stories (and toys).      Granted, …
review by . July 05, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
15 - 157mins - Action/Adventure/Sci-Fi - 29th June 2011   Our summer of sequels continues with the Transformers returning to the big screen with their third outing. After the rather disappointing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen I have to say that my hopes were not particularly high for this one.    Dark of the Moon is set several years after the second movie where Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is struggling to get a job and return his life to normal and yet this still hasn't stopped …
review by . July 02, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
Like a Lullaby, kinda.
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON   Written by Ehren Kruger   Directed by Michael Bay   Starring Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Frances McDormand, Patrick Dempsey and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley       Simmons: Years from now, they’re going to ask, “Where were you when they took over the planet?” We’re going to say, “We just stood by and watched.”       Before today, I would …
review by . July 07, 2011
posted in Movie Hype
Its the 1986 movie meets Revenge of the fallen.
A few months after Revenge of the Fallen hit theaters numerous rumors started to pop up about the third film in the franchise. One of the most prominent of them being that the Decepticon Unicron was going to be the featured antagonist. Although it was just a rumor it still got me super excited about this film. Even though i eventually found out Unicron wasn't going to be in the film the trailers and the supposed invasion of earth story line filled that gap.      Transformers …
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Chris Pandolfi ()
Growing up a shy kid in a quiet suburb of Los Angeles, Chris Pandolfi knows all about the imagination. Pretend games were always the most fun for him, especially on the school playground; he and his … more
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Wiki


Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the third and final film in the Transformers film series, directed by Michael Bay and produced by Steven Spielberg. It is the sequel to Transformers and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and is scheduled for release on July 1, 2011, in Real D 3D, regular 2D theaters and IMAX.[1]

Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson and John Turturro are set to reprise their starring roles, with Peter Cullen returning as the voice of Optimus Prime. Ehren Kruger, who collaborated in the writing of the second film, was said to be again involved in the writing. Despite having initially been confirmed for the film,[2] and with the film already into principal photography, it was announced that Megan Fox would not be reprising her role from the previous two films. With Fox's character Mikaela being dropped, Sam was assigned a new love interest, who will be played by English model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Also, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, having written the first two films, will not return for the third installment in the series,[3] which Orci had earlier somewhat anticipated, fearing the duo would "risk getting stale".[4] Bay has stated this would be his last installment in the series.[5]
 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transformers:_Dark_of_the_Moon
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Details

Director: Michael Bay
Genre: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi
Release Date: 1 July 2011 (USA)
Screen Writer: Ehren Kruger
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