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To Quote Roger Ebert, "Your Movie Sucks!"

  • Oct 4, 2009
I'd like this to be a list of mainstream films but, alas, I tend not to see very many mainstream films so I fear this list will be heavy (if not exclusively) genre flix. I'll try and stay away from remakes and sequels as much as possible because I believe there have been only 4 or 5 that have ever been worth seeing which means they'd ALL belong on my list!  I'm also staying away from the easy targets like low budget films and the obvious choices like ISHTAR and GIGLI, mainly because I haven't seen them, but even if I had I wouldn't include them because everyone else does. it would just be wasting space for me to as well.
1
Scarlet Letter
It even had a happy ending for Christ's sake! Somebody should have at least talked to somebody who knew someone else who was related to a guy who had read the Cliffs' Notes for the book before they decided to make this movie. Absolutely absurd.
2
Poster
Did someone anywhere actually think this was funny? I laughed once, at the very beginning when the U-boat came up under the girl doing the JAWS parody. God, what a painful experience watching this flick was. Spielberg fell down and went boom.
3
Coyote Ugly
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
4
Earthquake movie logo
Talk about disasters!
5
10,000 B.C.
The undisputed king of Bad Movies in my opinion is Roland Emmerich and here he has managed to out do himself. At least in STARGATE he had a good idea and James Spader to take my mind off the pain. Here he has nothing but sneer worthy garbage.
6
The Wicker Man
Not only did the classic film from the 1970s NOT need to be remade, it definitely NOT need to be remade with Nic Cage in it. What happened to this film is simply inexcusable and everyone connected with it should be summarily executed.
7
Godzilla
And those tv spots made it look as if it was gonna be so damned good too! Emmerich you bastard, How dare you!
8
Armageddon
Why bother.
9
The Village (Widescreen Vista Series) (2004)
Shyamalan's most embarassing offering to date. Did anyone bother to read the script before they decided to make this flick?
10
Planet of the Apes
I'm tring to keep away from remakes and sequels here but I just can't do it because so many of them have been absolutely abysmal and this one inparticular cannot be ignored.

What did you think of this list?

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October 26, 2010
Wonderful list again Karen, although there are 1 or 2 I kinda like.
August 08, 2011
Which ones?
August 13, 2011
Well i don't love any of them but I did at least like 5 because I just like that time period in films. Also 8 because I love Steve Buscemi and of course 10 because I LOVE Helena Bonham Carter.
August 16, 2011
Yeah. I see your point. Sometimes a certain actor can pull a movie out of the dung heap for me too.
 
July 21, 2010
The Village had to be one of the most awful things I saw in theaters. I at least had fun watching Armageddon. Every time I see someone bring up The Scarlet Letter's different ending, I always remember Demi Moore saying "It's not like many people have read the book."
July 22, 2010
What a ditz. Why even bother to call it THE SCARLET LETTER if you aren't going to pay any attention to the point of the book? You could change the title and do whatever you wanted with it.
 
October 19, 2009
You left out the remake of THE HAUNTING. The 1963 movie was creepy and great. Even with good actors like Liam Neeson and Lili Taylor, the remake was HORRIBLE!!!
October 19, 2009
I liked the set design in the remake, so that was enough to keep it from being totally abysmal.
October 20, 2009
Perhaps, but I thought the set was better in the old one. Besides, they completely changed the story line.
October 20, 2009
That's why I don't usually bother with 'em. I think I saw it on broadcast tv for free. I certainly wouldn't pay for it or even use up a BetFlix turn for that matter.
October 20, 2009
No, but I certainly bought the original 1963 movie. I still get chills watching that one and I know I've seen it a hundred times
October 20, 2009
No, but I certainly bought the original 1963 movie. I still get chills watching that one and I know I've seen it a hundred times
October 20, 2009
Yeah. know what you mean.
 
October 05, 2009
This entire list could've been remakes. ; ) I totally agree with you on most of these, although I kind of have to respect "1941" purely for being so bold in its non-funniness (yeah, I really can't explain it better than that, sorry). As for Shyamalan, I actually think that his two more recent films "Lady in the Water" and "The Happening" were his worst, but then again I was never a fan of his. I'm glad that you panned that filming of "The Scarlet Letter", which goes down in my book as one of the worst adaptations ever. Did the director even read the novel?
October 05, 2009
LADY wasn't as bad as THE VILLAGE, but I haven't seen THE HAPPENING so it would be unfair to include it here. I think all remakes are inherently bad--there have been only 4 or 5 exceptions. I was tempted to but Micahel Bay's NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET down but it hasn't eve been released yet so that would sort of taint my credibility. They probably did read THE SCARLET LETTER but thought that modern audiences would laugh at it. Besides it wouldn't offer Demi the opportunity to get naked often enough since back then people took baths and even had sex fully clothed. (check out Polanski's film TESS)
October 05, 2009
You're right about the having sex clothed, at least for the most part people didn't strip first, though there were probably exceptions. The bathing thing is actually a misnomer, though the wealthier families often did wear their underclothes while bathing. The poorer people were less restricted by the pretensions of propriety, as usually is the case in a developing society.
October 05, 2009
Not really. You had the bathtub in the kitchen, so it was almost necessary.
October 06, 2009
But at the same time, nudity in the household was common, but then again so was incest. Yuck.
October 06, 2009
still is.
 
October 05, 2009
lol- best part of this list? The fact that Armageddon doesn't even need a sentence of explanation. Great work, Karen!!
October 05, 2009
Yeah, it is sort of self explanatory isn't it?
October 06, 2009
But the premise was so original and clever! I mean, oil drillers saving the world from a giant meteor the size of Texas... that's the stuff of great movies. Why Orson Welles didn't incorporate that into "Citizen Kane", I'll never know.
October 07, 2009
It probably wouldn't fit into a snowglobe.
 
October 04, 2009
Oh and if you want to see a TERRIBLE remake... so terrible that you want a time machine to go back in time just to stop you from seeing it, the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still." 
October 05, 2009
They will have to tie me to a chair and pry my eyes open to make me watch the remake of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL!
October 05, 2009
That movie was so bad I want to kick my own ass for sitting through it.
October 05, 2009
You still have time, there's no statute of limitations on the crime of stupidity. Believe me, I know!
October 19, 2009
Not even Jennifer Connelly could save TDTESS
October 19, 2009
Both of you are right.
 
October 04, 2009
This list is severely lacking in Michaelbayness..just ONE Michael Bay movie?!  But you have two from Roland Emmerich... so I don't know if to be disappointed or pleasantly amused.  But I will say it's a good list.  I especially like the comment on the first movie... I might have to write that one down.
October 05, 2009
I suppose I could put NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET down in advance for Michael Bay, but I really was trying not to just make a list of nothing but remakes because (with only a few exceptions) ALL remakes stink to high heaven. I think all Emmerich's films stink.
 
October 04, 2009
Great list! These movies do suck, although I think Shymalan's worst film is still "Lady in the Water". I also had guilty fun with COYOTE UGLY because of Maria Bello; it is a bad movie though.
October 05, 2009
Saw them both and don't agree. THE VILLAGE was completely embarassing. It was painfully obvious what his big twist was going to be and that was ALL the flick had going for it. Not having your hormones, COYOTE UGLY had nothing at all to offer me. SHOWGIRLS at least had Gina Gershon being deliciously evil and funny--this had zilch.
October 06, 2009
I enjoyed SHOWGIRLS because of Gina too!
October 06, 2009
Showgirls is actually one of those movies I enjoy BECAUSE it's so bad.  Some bad movies are fun because they're funny.
October 06, 2009
I never got into the "so bad they're good thing, but Gina Gershon did save SHOWGIRLS for me.
 
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About the list creator
karen ()
Ranked #21
I am the poster child for inertia. Where ever I am is where I plan to stay FOREVER.   So much so in fact that it took me decades to understand the punchline about why   the chicken … more
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