A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.
Ms. Chua answers questions from Journal readers who wrote in to the Ideas Market blog.
All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.
When it comes to parenting, the Chinese seem to produce children who display academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success - or so the stereotype goes. WSJ's Christina Tsuei speaks to two moms raised by Chinese immigrants who share what it was like growing up and how they hope to raise their children.
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In addition, I am afraid for students who multi-task while
trying to learn academic material. Multi-tasking , if ever
appropriate, should be done with regard to tasks
that have been mastered- not subject matter to be
learned for the first time. How can a student sit
down to do complex math homework when text
messages are coming continuously throughout the
study period? Setting boundaries is important;
however, the electronic gadgetry actually deprives
students of badly needed privacy to get
important things done without constant interruption.
"My big sister was what I used to jealously call "every Asian parent's wet dream come true" (excuse the crassness, but it really does sum up the resentment I used to feel towards her). She got straight As. Skipped 5th grade. Perfect SAT score. Varsity swim team. Student council. Advanced level piano. Harvard early admission. An international post with the Boston Consulting Group in Hong Kong before returning to the U.S. for her Harvard MBA. Six figure salary. Oracle. Peoplesoft. Got engaged to a PhD. Bought a home. Got married.
Her life summed up in one paragraph above. Her death summed up in one paragraph below.
Committed suicide a month after her wedding at the age of 30 after hiding her depression for 2 years. She ran a plastic tube from the tailpipe of her car into the window. Sat there and died of carbon monoxide poisoning in the garage of her new home in San Francisco. Her husband found her after coming home from work. A post-it note stuck on the dashboard as her suicide note saying sorry and that she loved everyone. '
I hear stories every once in a while about kids in Asia who end up committing suicide when they don't make it into the school they were going for or fail to meet their parents' or their own expectations. It's an unfortunate, but relatively rare consequence as a result of this style of parenting. On the other hand, I think children need motivation to succeed and I think that they do need some sort of strict discipline, otherwise, they'll end up quitting everything they start. Easier said than done, but in the end I really think there just needs to be some balance. It's even more difficult when 'traditional' Asian parents raise their children here in the United States because a majority of the population wouldn't be tolerant or understanding of that style of parenting. The kids will see other kids who are given more freedom or in some cases carte blanche to do whatever they please. In many cases, I've seen the kids resent their parents and end up doing things just to spite them. But once again, I really think it comes down to balance. I'm kind of not looking forward to becoming a parent one day =P
The New York Times' David Brooks is all riled up today with his article "Amy Chua is a Wimp". Good to see that Mr Brooks is no better than the rest of us and has come down to our level!
"Chua plays into America’s fear of national decline. Here’s a Chinese parent working really hard (and, by the way, there are a billion more of her) and her kids are going to crush ours. Furthermore (and this Chua doesn’t appreciate), she is not really rebelling against American-style parenting; she is the logical extension of the prevailing elite practices. She does everything over-pressuring upper-middle-class parents are doing. She’s just hard core."