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Which Fictional Character Would You Like to Fight

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Fictional Fights Between the Author and Fictional Characters
1 review about Which Fictional Character Would You Like...

Have A Bone to Pick?... The 12 FICTIONAL Characters I Would Like to Fight!

  • Nov 19, 2009
Rating:
+5

I originally intended this to be a simple list, but I figured since there are limitations to size in a list (I talk a lot) and I can‘t upload trailers/videos in lists, I may as well do a full write up. I loved the movie “Fight Club” and I felt the itch to take part on the discussion between Brad Pitt and Edward Norton as to which historical figure they’d like to fight. Well, I figured I’ll stick to fictional characters in film, comics and other media. So How am I going to approach this? Well, I figured I’d put myself in a situation within a movie itself. I’ll probably lose most of the time, but who cares?! I just want to fight these characters…mano-o-mano. This write up is for entertainment purposes only and in no way does it reflect that I want to fight the real actor playing the part.
 
UFC- ULTIMATE FICTIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS Round One
 
1) Tyler Durden (played by Brad Pitt)- First up, of course, I’ll have to fight the creator of “Fight Club”. Durden plays with no rules and street fighting style definitely would be more Durden’s specialty. Anyone who gets to mastermind “Project Mayhem” should have the craziness and raw intensity to get by even without real training in fighting. I think I may be able to hold my own against Durden but the match can swing either way. Woopak has been in several drag outs.
Predicted Result: DRAW

            
 
2) The Undertaker (the wrestling character)- Whenever I see this guy step into the ring in WWE back when I watched the show, I just get intimidated. The character is the most feared wrestler and the man is a legendary phenom. With no wrestling training, woopak would be at the mercy of the Dead Man.
Predicted Result: Woopak runs away-No Contest. 

              
 
3) BORAT (played by Sacha Baron Cohen)- no one gets to try to put any woman in a sack. I’d like to take Borat on. Although after that gross naked fight scene in the hotel, I do have my misgivings. I think I can take him though, he doesn’t look too tough but I have to learn not to underestimate him, Borat may take off my pants.
Predicted result: Woopak wins.

               
 
4) Doctor Manhattan from WATCHMEN (played by Billy Crudup)- Yep, the most powerful meta- human in the “Watchmen” universe. He can control and manipulate matter and has near-Godlike powers. I would be crazy to try to even take him on without any superhuman powers; but the way he is just so smug to be hanging out with his “wang” out just irritates the hell out of me. I’ll take him on even though I get dead and use his giant-sized testicles as punching bags!
Predicted result: Woopak gets vaporized. Lose.

          
 
5) Winnie The Pooh- I do not like this orange bear. He is just annoying and I do not like the color orange! This is the perfect example of being “too cute that it makes you puke“. I’d like to take Winnie on in a “submission match’ and putting him in a ‘sharpshooter’. Being a bear, Winnie may have the advantage.
Predicted result: Woopak Loses and gives up. 

          
 
6) Eric Cartman from “South Park”- this potty-mouthed spoiled brat needs a sound spanking; Asian style! I’m going to wash his mouth with soap and water. His mom is so bitchy that I wouldn’t mind taking them both on together.
Predicted result: Woopak puts Cartman back where he belongs in his 2-dimensional animated form. Win.

         
         
 
7) Black Canary and The Huntress (from BIRDS OF PREY-DC Comics)- I like chicks who can kick my butt. Why not go after two of the most dangerous femme fatales in comics? I know I’ll lose but I have to try and meet them anyway. I have a feeling that they won’t hurt me since they’re heroes. Canary would probably punch me out but the Huntress (I love Brunettes) may just find me adorable.
Predicted Result: No Contest. I get to take The Huntress out on a Date. 

File:Bcanaryx.png BLACK CANARYFile:Huntress91.png   THE HUNTRESS

Birds of Prey by Ed Benes

              

         
 
8) Donald Duck- Any “duck” who walks around with no pants and then wears a towel after taking a shower deserves to get beaten up. I also get annoyed the way he gets jealous of Mickey Mouse. I am really curious if a duck can fight.
Predicted Result: Woopak loses to Daisy Duck.     

                                            
 
9) The Nameless Assassin in “SPL” (played by Wu Jing)- You wouldn’t believe how many times I watched the iconic “Donnie Yen vs. Wu Jing” alleyway fight. Win, Lose or Draw, I want to be in Inspector Ma’s shoes.
Predicted Result: Woopak gets cut to Pieces. Lose. 

                                     
 
10) The Joker (played by Heath Ledger)- First, I would like to ask him how he got his scars and then I would ask him “why so serious?”. Being a bad guy, the Joker will probably call in his goons to take me out but I don’t care. He is an agent of chaos and I just want to fight him and get a few punches in.
Predicted Result: Woopak gets taken to ARKHAM ASYLUM by Batman.

                               
 
11) Sadako (from the J-Horror film RINGU)- Any ghost that can some out of a television set has to be one scary ghoul. I’ll take him out with a knee blow while she comes out of the TV and then give her a roundhouse kick.
Predicted Result: Sadako stops Woopak’s heart and dies. Lose.

                           The ORIGINAL is ALWAYS Better!!
 
12) Jules Winnfield from “Pulp Fiction” (played by Samuel L. Jackson) - Actually I don’t want to fight Jules, he is just too cool. But I will fight him if I have to just find out the contents of that briefcase. I’d like to have sausage and pancakes with him.
Predicted Result: Jules shoots Woopak for asking about the briefcase. Lose.

       
 
I guess the moral of the write up is to never underestimate your opponent. Hey, two wins aren’t so bad. We all have out urges to fight at times, but learn to pick your fights. I wonder if I’ll make it on pay-per-view? LOL
 
WIN, LOSE or DRAW...Woopak Wants to Fight These Fictional Characters!

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May 14, 2010
This would probably fit more into Debbie's AWESOMENESS community than here in fantasy, unless someone created a "What If..." community that dealt entirely with this sort of speculative review. There's a thought.
 
November 25, 2009
Sheesh Woo! That's a lotta fighting & I believe you're correct when you mentioned to never underestimate your opponents. Very entertaining review. This was totally unexpected but hilarious.
November 26, 2009
Thanks, Brian! I may do another one similar to this. This time, maybe fictional characters I want to date or something...stay tuned.
November 28, 2009
Hmm, now that would be a cool one. I think you should. I'll be on the lookout for it. ;-)
November 28, 2009
ya think I get away if I title it "top 10 fictional characters" I want to have sex with? LOL I'll probably be booted...
November 28, 2009
Haha! Perhaps...Yeah, I'd leave it at date. I was warned once from the lunch staff about using profanities here so I'm learning to mince my words around here.
November 28, 2009
Yeh, I know something like that wouldn't make it here. Hey, did you get my message? Sean Rhodes is one heckuva nice guy!
 
November 22, 2009
lol-funniest list on Lunch to date. I don't about fight, but I wouldn't mind wrestling with Black Canary, nude. If you need some backup punting Cartman into the recycle bin, give a holler, and finally watch out for that Dr. Manhattan, I hear he has a choke-hold that was banned in 49 states for bordering on porn!
November 22, 2009
Thanks, bro! I like Huntress myself but wouldn't mind taking them both on. Dude, I want to use Doc Manhattan's testicles as speed punching bags! LOL
November 23, 2009
Lol- too funny! PS- the rack on Malin Akerman nearly atoned for all that swinging we had to endure.
November 23, 2009
he-heh. agreed! If they swung any more, it would've been a tribute for EASTERN PROMISES with that fight scene. There should be a rule- never assasinate any guy in the nude LOL
 
November 20, 2009

You wimp. I could take on half of these guys without breaking a sweat.

First, we'll start of with the bottom of your list, Jules from "Pulp Fiction". Lesson #1: Notice your enemy's weakness. Jules is a talker and he may not pay a whole lot of attention to you while he's spouting off bible passages, so ask him if he'd like a smoke (you know he's a dope smoker) and then pull out your matches, light one and throw it at his head. The man's got so much oil in his hair to keep those jheri curls in form, that he's a damn fire hazard. And Jules is down for the count.

Moving on to TV ghost girl. Lesson #2: Always be aware of your environment. In Japanese horror films, there's always water around. TV and water don't mix, so give the girl a bath and the problem's fixed.

Ah, the Joker. Lesson #3: Adopt your enemy's techniques. If the Joker uses chaos to unnerve and distract his opponent, then do the same. Bring in Harley Quinn and he'll turn into a giddy, hormonal school boy and then while he's drooling over Harley, hit him with a sledge hammer. The sledge hammer is preferrable since it will also win over Harley who has a hammer fetish ; )

Next up, Donnie Yen. Lesson #4: Flashy foot work means nothing. Okay, so the guy's an amazing martial artist. Martial arts have a downside and it's called explosives. There's a reason that samurai went out the window once cannons were introduced to Japan.

Donald Duck? Really? Lesson #5: Always come prepared. Donald is just a cartoon character and has no real power whatsoever. He's easily irritated and tends to leap before he looks, so as long as you've brought an eraser and a duck call, you should be fine.

The Birds of Prey. Lesson #6: Know when to submit. Hey, if a bunch of hot ladies dressed in black want to beat you up, let them. They're superheroes, so they aren't likely to kill you, so you might as well enjoy the experience. Right?

Cartman? Another freakin' cartoon? Lesson #7: Win your enemy's respect. If Cartman likes profane language, then impress the little bastard with some big shit F-bombs and scare him into admiration of you. Then spank him with Hanky the Christmas Poo.

Winnie the Pooh? What is it with you and cartoons? Lesson #8: All's fair in love and war. Take the little absent-minded bear to a Furries fetish party and cover him with honey. 'Nuff said.

Dr. Manhattan. Lesson #9: The bigger the balls, the harder they fall. Okay, so here we have a virtually indestructible opponent with countless powers. Let the dude make himself big and then aim a few missiles at his exposed groin. It should only take one to make an impression, literally.

Borat the bigot. Lesson #10: Showing off isn't a bad thing. Well, this guy's a pushover, but you should still have fun kicking his butt, so follow the instructions above for Dr. Manhattan. Someone oughta blow up Borat and Bruno!

The Undertaker, wrestling's imitation of Rob Zombie. Lesson #11: Isn't the answer here obvious. Get out your evil spellbook and summon up the dead to take this guy on. I'm thinking along the lines of Andre the Giant and Andy Kaufman. LOL!

Tyler Durdan/Narrator. Interesting. Lesson #12: Good things come in pairs. Well, you're essentially taking on two guys at once, but they are limited to the same body. Get them to argue and maybe the son of a bitch will off himself for real this time.

School's out, now get in the ring and tear these fuckers apart!

November 21, 2009
LOL! Remember I will be fighting them in their own terms and hand to hand...no use of a rocket is allowed. Besides, it's more funny to lose to dumb cartoons. heheh. As for Donald Duck, you do know how many relatives he has right? Jules is just too cool. Speaking of which, what did you think was inside that briefcase?
November 21, 2009
I've heard so many theories about that that I'm not even going to venture a guess.
 
November 19, 2009
Entertaining, lol... although perhaps it's more of a man's thing, to fight, I mean. I'd like to fight with real people fair & square, but for most part, the world is not fair and one can't really fight with parents, spouse, bosses without losing something in the process! It's nice to day dream at times though :-)
November 20, 2009
Thanks, Sharrie! What better way to fantasize about fighting than those I have no chance of fighting against?! I originally wanted to do "fight historical figures" like maybe Genghis Khan and Gandhi but it may get negative attention. Thanks for the read, my friend!
 
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