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King of the Lost World

1 rating: -3.0
A movie directed by Leigh Slawner

This exuberantly low-budget modern interpretation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic adventure story has a plane crashing in the Amazon, leaving the survivors to face creatures like a giant gorilla, dragons, and massive scorpions. Bruce Boxleitner, … see full wiki

Director: Leigh Slawner
Release Date: 2005
MPAA Rating: Unrated
1 review about King of the Lost World

King of the Lost World - 2005

  • Feb 14, 2009
Rating:
-3
Pros: scenery

Cons: script, acting, critters, the whole friggin package

The Bottom Line:
“I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded”
~Plumb

I’m back to the Sci-Fi channel again with another epic, King of the Lost World. Personally I’ve never caught an episode of the TV hit ‘Lost’, but this movie brings that to mind. Our first views are of an elegant tropical setting. The vista is completely entrancing with rich colors, looming mountains, breathtaking waterfalls, just beautiful. [for those interested, it is filmed in the Pikake Gardens, Valley Center, CA] Our next scene is onboard a small aircraft, about 50 passengers & crew, where things seem to be going amok. Then we see the aircraft sweep around the side of a mountain, then a large ball of fire in the distance.

As people tumble from the craft, gathering what belongings they can, we shoot to a distance away where a flight attendant is caught in the branches of a tree. Nestled ever so carefully, she appears unharmed and sleeping. As she leisurely awakens she hears something coming. Now my first impressions, waking up, would have been “WTF?”, but she doesn’t seem concerned until she hears something. That something is a bigbadassed ape, she’s dinner.

Back to the stranded people … a leader steps forward saying they have to find the cockpit of the aircraft for the radio, blackbox, etc., so they can signal for rescue. He traipses off for just a second and comes back with the news that he can see the cockpit ‘ just over this rise’. Well, friends, I don’t know what he had in his breakfast cereal but even an inexperienced person such as I can clearly see the plane he was looking at had not only a cockpit but also wings and part of a tail section. Hello? Dude, look at your plane. Are the wings missing? No, you are resting on them. Is the tail missing? No, some are under it for shelter.

However, he and a bunch of people decide to make the trek to the downed plane while the rest stay behind. No one, in the meantime, knows the fate of the eaten flight attendant. Had they only known.

During their trek they find their conveniently cleared path blocked by a spider web. Now I’m talking building sized spider web. Right now I’m saying ‘oh hell no’ and impaling myself on a tree branch cause I’m not gonna be no spiders dinner. Of course they encounter the spider, looking every bit as fake as the rest of the movie as well as man-eating plants and dinosaur bones. Eventually they reach the plane, those that weren’t killed or abducted along the way. Even from a distance you can see the plane is entombed in foliage and its obviously not their plane but they don’t decide this until after they already climb on board and look everything over. Idiots.

To make a long story short, they find several more planes, discover a tribe of natives, that not only speak French but also seem to have neatly trimmed hair. While the rest of their garb seems thrown together or homemade, their hair looks like it was cut the day before at your local salon. High and tight on the neck, no stray neck hairs, ears nicely exposed, no extraneous facial hair.

Seems this tribe uses all the downed plane passengers, apparently they were passengers at one time as well, anyway, they use the downed passengers as sacrifices to the flying creatures to keep them happy. Seems if they are happy then the bigbadassed ape stays away from their compound. Don’t ask, no questions are ever answered and you are left deciding these things on your own anyway.

In the meantime, military jets fly over and try to attack the ape. As in countless shows before, it is obvious that they aren’t going to be successful. In fact, these planes crash as well since it seems like no plane can successfully fly over this jungle. No, this isn’t explained either.

But the killer is … you knew there was a peach in this apple crate, didn’t you? … ONE of the downed planes carries a nuclear bomb and one of the passengers on this particular downed plane is there to diffuse it. Well, seems like the government [once again] knows all about this place. How he just happened to be on this plane, that managed to crash in the perfect location is one of the many things never explained.

This little gem was directed by Leigh Scott, no awards. It is rated R for language, creature violence, and brief nudity. As if a breast shot should be considered nudity in this day and age. It stars Bruce Boxleitner and Steve Railsback, who still looks like Manson. The critters were horrible, but not as horrible as the movie in its entirety. Thank God for the scenery.

It all breaks down to this, as my momma used to say, “You can cover it up, you can spray air freshners, you can try to make it look like everything but what it is, but in the long run, usted no puede pulir una cagada.

Thanks,
Susi

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