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Leeches

1 rating: -3.0
A movie directed by David DeCoteau

In LEECHES, the Lakecrest College swim team decides to do whatever they can to win. Each member begins to take steroids to increase their strength, but when they go swimming in the campus lake their drug use has an unintended side effect. The common … see full wiki

Cast: Mike Cole
Director: David DeCoteau
Release Date: 2003
MPAA Rating: R
1 review about Leeches

Leeches - 2003

  • Oct 5, 2009
Rating:
-3
Pros: not a pro anywhere near the film

Cons: similar to the pros

The Bottom Line:
"You won't feel a thing
Or your body's life you were fighting for"
~Performed by Verbal Abuse

I have never felt so personally embarrassed for a movie creature, or felt more empathy for a creature, than I did in Leeches. Those poor rubber things didn’t stand a chance. Directed by David DeCoteau, who also co-wrote with Gary Barkin, it is truly an example of how poorly a movie can be made. You’d think this was an oldie by the inept creature, but it was made in 2003. Technology certainly is far enough advanced for them to at least have hidden the wire that was pulling the leeches across the floor … come on …

It all centers around a swim team at a college so you know right away there are going to be buff bodies galore. Only, this time, it is the male swim team, sorry guys. Doesn’t mean there isn’t the fair share of perky breasted babes adorning the scene so don’t worry. The team is going for the championship so you know there is going to be some cheating happening, backed by the team coach I might add, who supplies certain people with steroids so they can bulk themselves up.

I have so many questions about this movie, most of which will never be resolved. Ridiculous situations aside, first there is the body in the boys shower at school. Hello? Why isn’t it ever discovered? Then again, what the hell happened to it? We also have the leeches. Seriously, leeches? Even I could outrun a dang leech and these were supposed to be trained athletes. Even after they get to a gianormous size after they suck the steroid enhanced blood from a coupla swimmers, even then I could outrun them.

How in bloody hell can you get overtaken by a leech? Granted, the guy in the shower suddenly slips and cracks his head. He didn’t stand a chance although, for some reason, this leech didn’t kill him. No, oh no. This leech, roughly the size of a forearm, manages somehow to pry the poor guys jaw open while he is unconscious and crawl into his mouth and down his throat. Think that is sick? Baby you ain’t seen nuttin yet.

I don’t know if you’ve ever swallowed something the size of a forearm before but I gotta think your dang throat is gonna be sore the next day. To say nothing of your jaws which had so open so far a VW could drive though. Then it slithers down to your tummy and festers there. Please … talk about an upset stomach. Plus, oh, I don’t know, wouldn’t it be a itty-bit uncomfortable having something the size of a beach ball lying in your stomach pulsating? Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

This isn’t the worse however. There is the guy who let’s his babe tie him up on the bed [not naked mind you so I’m not sure how sex was going to come into play] and even convinces him to let her blindfold him. Then, uh oh, outta condoms. So off she goes to get a cuppa sugar, I mean a condom, from a neighbor and our poor guy is left all alone and prey to the murdering leeches. Not pretty.

Which brings up another thing or twelve. Leeches make noises? I just recently discovered sharks growl like lions so I guess it is entirely possible to believe leeches shriek like a dolphin or whale. Their personal voices aside, you know when they are approaching because they have two separate sound tracks. The ‘moving forward’ soundtrack is similar to a heartbeat or only more like at a Rave. Their second soundtrack is an unwholesome music interlude, accompanied by a strobe light.

Leech-wise, I’m so embarrassed for the leech world in general. These things looked every bit like a alligator without legs or a definitive head/tail structure. I’ve seen leeches, they are slimy little twerps, not scaly-backed with humps. I don’t care if they are on steroids or not, it would only make them bigger not bumpier. Also, I wasn’t aware that; 1) they lived on land, and, 2) they gestated in a cocoon. And you could clearly see the filament wire pulling them along the floor several times. Just pitiful.

As far as the participants, human-wise, in the film. Those that met their maker probably deserved it for either their attitude or the very fact they were so desperate to be in a film. The body count is fairly high and there is just one weak boy/girl to hang your hat on for victory, albeit reluctantly. As far as violence and gore, most of it is implied. They do show the bodies after the attacks but, in one scene in particular, it is obviously a mannequin sitting there. Shameful. Otherwise, for the most part, there are just some bloody wounds, not even seeping.

One scene isn’t particularly delightful; the scene where the guy that had swallowed the leech the size of lower Manhattan regurgitates it the following day. That wasn’t exactly pleasant to watch. They filmed one ‘leech attack scene’ they used it as an overlay on every scene where the leeches attack. It never varies but, then again, I don’t know how large a repertoire leeches have. The film did receive an R rating because of violence [ridiculous] and drug content [steroids only as far as I can tell. They don’t mention the constant drinking at all … hmmmm]

But it all comes back to the simple fact - why can’t a human outrun a dang leech?

Thanks,
Susi

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