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1 rating: -3.0
A movie directed by Gary Jones

Aliens transform ordinary mosquitos into monstrous bloodthirsty mutants.

Cast: Ron Asheton
Director: Gary Jones
Release Date: 1995
MPAA Rating: R
1 review about Mosquito

Note to self, things to avoid

  • Aug 6, 2000
Pros: None, zippy, nada, zero

Cons: I watched it for you

1) Anyone walking around carrying a geiger counter thingy that measures alpha-gamma rays that emit radiation.

2) Anyone called Junior who hangs around with his brother Earl and cousin Rex and they all have the same father.

3) Anyone that is an entomologist yet isn't afraid of finding a 10' mosquito or carrying a 2' proboscis.

4) Any state park where the ‘Chief' talks about mosquitos in a 10 minute dialogue and sends out Ranger Hendricks to spray DDT on the campers, their tents and their food.

5) Any movie that has horrid gratuitous sex ending with the statement "gotta go water the plants".

6) Any movie where the man zips his member up in his zipper after he hears is lady screaming but does NOT drop his PBR.

7) Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR).

8) Any movie where you find an Air Force Meteorologist (Parks, geiger counter guy), an entomologist (Megan) and her boy toy (Ray), discovering a horribly disfigured body floating in a boat and they still hang around for more.

9) Any movie where you find an assortment of 30-40 dead bodies laying around and still hang around for more.

10) Any movie where you have to remove a dead body from your get away vehicle and don't have the common sense to check for keys first.

11) Any movie where it takes more than a> two buckshots, or b> five hits with an axe, to kill a mosquito.

12) Any movie where you decide to spend the night in a cement sewer pipe to hide from mosquitoes. Side note to self, don't mosquitoes breed in stagnant water?

13) Any movie where the proboscis punctures hearts, lungs, butt checks or eyeballs (although, there IS a remarkable exploding eyeball scene, hmmm, rethink the eyeball thing).

14) Any movie where the bank robber/mass murderer, Earl, stops to genuflect over his brothers body and says "Poor Junior".

15) Any movie that has a perky farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, reminiscent of Night of the Living Dead-ugh, when we haven't seen a town or person for days.

16) Any movie where they board up windows from the INSIDE with flimsy boards. Side note to self, the proboscis penetrated the steel on a camper, could they dare think these boards with one nail will stop them?

17) Any movie where the bank robber/mass murderer, Earl, picks up a chain saw to kill mosquitoes. Side note to self, OK, ANY movie with chainsaws, stay away.

18) Any movie where they find the a> egg stash in the basement, b> decide to let the mosquitoes in the house to kill them, c> decide to smash the gas lines in the house to blow up the mosquitoes and the house. Side note to self, do they realize they are IN the house?, d> rely on a dumb waiter to get to the roof. Side note to self, when did dumb waiters start going UP to the roof? e> expect to get five people out of a house full of mosquitoes in three minutes via the dumb waiter, f> expect the dumb waiter to hold their weight without breaking and plummeting to the basement (Hello! Eggs, remember?), and g> expect me to believe A-F.

19)Finally, any movie that has ANY of the following:

Megan(entomologist) - "I don't think it is a bird, Ray, it looks like some kind of bug"; "I've figured out what is going on around here, giant mosquitoes!"; "I don't know why they are so big, it could be some kind of genetic defect"; "Could it be a meteor fell in a swamp of mosquito eggs?"; "Oh wait, there's a dumb waiter in the kitchen. We can each load ourselves in it and go up to the roof to escape".

Parks (Air Force meteorologist) - "I'm a meteorologist, I study meteors, not clouds"; "It's aliens, they are everywhere and that guy got zapped!"; "It picks up alpha gamma rays from anything that emits radiation"; "What in God's name happened here?"; "Just as I suspected, these mosquitoes are making the bodies radioactive"; "We'll cut all the gas lines and blow the house up with them in it".

Ranger Hendricks - "That's it, jump girls, bounce those boobies"; "I got a stinger up my a$$, my leg is killing me and I've been crawling around in a sewer pipe and all I get is two stinking shells?"; "Bye, bye basement, this is the last time I'll ever come down here again".

Earl (bank robber/mass murderer) - "That's what happens when you mix blood lines"; "Ifn I warn't havin such a bad day, I'd kick yer a$$"; "I've lost my loot, my escape, my cousin and my brother (apparently listed in order of importance) all because of those mosquitoes, I'm gonna get ‘em".

Other things to highly avoid: Motel guy (Patrick Butler) is also the writer and director; Earl (Gunnar Hansen) is also the writer; News Caster (Steve Hodge) is also the writer; a camper (Bryan Jones) is also a writer; Gary Jones is the director and the writer; there are four producers (two executive!); and the guy in charge of the gore effects (Todd Tjersland) went uncredited in the movie although the gore, of course, was the main feature of the movie.

Lastly, the mosquitoes - absolutely dreadful! 10' if they were an inch, night flying scenes were awful as they appeared either a fluorescent orange outlined in glowing white or an attractive phosphorus blue/green outlined in glowing white. Horrible, awful - these people should be flogged within an inch of their lives!


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