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Python

1 rating: -3.0
A movie directed by Richard Clabaugh

A secret intelligence organization has developed the perfect killing machine: a 57-foot python. When the government shuts the program down, the python is let loose on a killing spree. The only person who can stop it is Jeff Cooper, a champion mountain-bike … see full wiki

Cast: Wil Wheaton
Director: Richard Clabaugh
Release Date: 2000
MPAA Rating: R
1 review about Python

Python - ....."there was no "TA" at the end of Robert .... "

  • Apr 11, 2001
Rating:
-3
Pros: Do the movies still say "The End" when they are finished?

Cons: P Y T H O N

The Bottom Line: Bottom Line? Just stay away

It should be a national crime to have Jenny McCarthy and Robert Englund in the same movie. Talk about antipodes. Compound this with a 129' python (redeeming quality, what a tongue! Snicker). Enchanting!

The Players
Dude and Dweeb, airplane pilots working for some undercover agency of the government, BioTech Labs, transporting a very large and very active cargo. Rule #1, do not tamper with huge cargo crates that are marked with warning signs when they suddenly start moving all over the airplane on their own. Cargo wins this round.

Lisa (LoriDawn Messuri), apparently town ‘slut' and Roberta (Kathy Lambert), apparently town Lez, in the middle of the woods. Lisa is shown receiving services from Roberta when she inadvertently calls her Robert. Roberta takes note of this by saying "there was no TA at the end of Robert" when Lisa tries to defend her faux pas. Lisa is also the proud owner of ‘Lady G ', her own private snake. Roberta goes out for a smoke. Rule #2, when locked in the arms of your lover in the middle of the woods, in the middle of the night, do not decide to wander away from camp. Cargo wins this round.

John (Frayne Rossanoff), Kristie (Dana Barron), Theresa (Sara Mornell) and Tommy (Will Wheaton) - age bracket they are supposed to be - unknown, age they act - around 16. John is a hot rod mountain bike stunt rider that left town to find fame and fortune but returns home to help his brother run the metallurgical lab left them by their father. Kristie was engaged to town deputy but left him for John when he returned home. Her occupation is unknown but her mentality is that of airhead. Theresa has the major hots for Tommy. Her occupation also unknown, mentality also airhead. They have not slept together although they have been dating since time began. And Tommy, maroon hair, body piercings, Hawaiian shirts, gold necklaces. Occupation - real estate agent (huh?). Rule #3 - when confronted with a 129 foot killing machine, do not go into underground caves and dark places. Cargo does a number on this group.

Deputy Greg (William Zabka), Deputy Lewis (Sean Whalen) and Sheriff Wade (Gary Grubbs). Deputy Greg, cute but dumb. Formerly engaged to Kristie. Has a chip on his shoulder, former best friend of John. Things not going well for him. Five steps above a Barney Fiffe. Deputy Lewis, just dumb. Five steps below a Barney Fiffe. Sheriff Wade, sincere and fair. At odds with the tragedy going on in his town. Rule #4 - do not try to act intelligent. Cargo working on this crowd as well.

Kenny "The Closer" (Scott Williamson), Tommy's mentor in the real estate world and Francesca Garibaldi (Jenny McCarthy), town rich divorcee. A definite set of losers here. Rule #5 - when you hear a noise in another part of the house, do not go after it with a kitchen knife. Cargo wins this round.

Dumb and Dumber (David Bowe & Keith Coogan), two workers in the metallurgical factory that think putting crime scene tape around an area would be a harder job than they could handle and definitely one that required special training. Rule #6 - there is no rule for them. Cargo not interested in these guys! Cargo apparently IS intelligent.

Dr. Anton Rudolph (Robert Englund), a herpetologist that has developed the star of our movie as a living, breathing killing machine. Rule #7 - do not think you are smarter than the monster you have created. Cargo wins this round.

A bunch of government agents, and last but not least - our star, the Cargo, a 129 foot acid-spewing python with a definite attitude!

The Story
I really don't think this is necessary, a description of the cast pretty well tells you the story line! It is idiots on parade, surrounded by a snake, backed by the government and led by our modern day Freddie Krueger! What a gang!

Sitting on the sidelines
Whew! What a night! Storms were raging outside the house and I was faced with this group of nincompoops with a script in their hands. The snake was fantastic! The only worthwhile viewing in this entire 99 minutes of pain.

This band of government agents from the NSA apparently never saw a Godzilla movie. Weapons, no matter their size or quantity, never work. Poor fools, but they tried. Unfortunately all they were shooting at was the discarded skin of the snake - bumbling idiots. Robert Englund almost had a conscience in this movie but man he is a lousy actor. His best was his Freddie series, he should have stopped there.

Jenny McCarthy should just give up. And those four ‘kids' chasing each other and then the snake, not a decent actor in the group. Geez, not even any sex scenes between them to add some spice to the flick, what a waste of young nubile actresses. Of course, there was that tiny T&A shot from Lisa but that didn't make up for the bad acting on her part either and Roberta was gone so fast you never got anything from her but an attitude.

Still and all, that snake - a definite beauty. Can't recommend the movie though, even for a rainy stormy Friday night when nothing else is happening. It was simply otiose!

Directed by Richard Clabaugh and released by Python Productions.

Thanks,

SusiDee :)

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