The Bottom Line: "If I was your vampire Death waits for no one Hold my hands Across your face Because I think Our time has come" ~Marilyn Manson
It’s another time, another place - the year is 2210 and the universe has become one big happy family except for the errant planet or two that are home to vampires. So, mentally flash back to Captain Kirk searching out those Klingons and race forward to this time era and Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe. Oh, yeah, we got us some vampire hunters.
The hunting crew looks like it was taken from some pre-teen’s idea of Super Hero comic book characters with their square jawed men, the renegade in the cowboy hat, the ticked off Asian woman with pink hair, and the required heaving cleavage fronting a vampire that uses her skills to eek out the bad vampires. Of course, you have to keep plenty of plasma on hand or you will become dinner, despite her efforts to control herself. Then, again, she is a vegan.
When the crew meets up against some anarchists, slyly led by an unassuming and helpless young lady [using the term loosely], it is a virtual bloodbath like none you’ve seen before. After all, it is the goal of these rogue vampires to wipe out humanity completely and turn everyone into the undead. Which causes me to pause and think … then WHAT will they feed on? hmmmmm …….
Writer and director Matthew Hastings uses little imagination when he named his vampiric clans Voorhees, Leatherfaces, and Nosferati. Each clan possesses characteristics relating to their name sakes, some of ‘em aren’t pretty folks. I’ll take that back, none of them are pretty. Don’t get me wrong, there are your atypical luscious vamp-babes to ogle at, come on, what were you thinking?
One has to spend their time looking at bad makeup jobs and heaving chests to try to eliminate the horrific dialogue that meanders through this film, accompanied by some killer soundtrack … pardon the pun. And just when you think all is lost, the vampiresses can whip you up some dream sex, using extrasensory methods of course, even with your dead spouse. Again, this is to offshoot the extremely distasteful feeding fests that take place, mired in the sticky dialogue.
Overall, an extremely bad movie but in the way that only true bad movie lovers could appreciate. Almost the ‘so bad it’s good’ type of film, especially the quirky villain Michael Ironside. Break out the wine and crackers cause you have your fill of cheese in this film. Rated R for gore and grisly violence.
Extras include: behind the scenes featurette and trailer.
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age