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How to Stalk your Ex

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How to Stalk your Ex - The Do's and Dont's

Jul 27, 2010

by Louise375

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You ex may have kicked you to the kerb recently (or not so recently) and you need to find out what’s going on in his/her life. You may want to get your ex back and want him/her to come running with their tail in-between their legs. Or if it is just that you want to keep tabs on the ex, then here are some useful stalker tips for you:

Key 1 – Contact

Your ex likes nothing more than to be contacted. It shows him/her that you have not forgotten them yet.

Do be sure to make at least 2 calls a day to your ex, preferably from an unknown number, so that your ex doesn’t know that it’s you calling.
Do be sure to leave heavy breathing messages on his/her voicemail. This will scare your ex and they may wish to turn to you for support. If for some reason your ex answers you can either hang up or claim to have gotten a wrong number (putting on an accent usually works like a charm).
Do be sure to call at least 8 times a day from your number so that your ex sees how much you care and it will be implanted in his/her brain that you are there for support.
Do be sure to email on a regular basis. This helps your ex to realize just how much you hurt inside and with every new paragraph and every new email that you send, your positive thoughts, vibes and love are getting sent along with it. It is recommended to email at least 1ce a day, if you have time, try to throw in another one for good measure. 4/5 pages is usually sufficient per email.

Word for the wise – Don’t let slip the amount of contact that you are giving just because you are not receiving the desired response – patience is a virtue.

If for some reason you find that you are not getting anywhere with your heavy breathing calls and the emails that you are sending start bouncing back to you, it is time to step up your stalker tactics.

Stepping It Up

You now need to out wit your ex.

Do buy a second sim card to make calls from to your ex. Heavy breathing is recommended once again, but also, get someone else to start calling doing the exact same. This should show that silly ex that there are some freaks out there and he/she is better off with you.
Do create at least another 2 email accounts. Hotmail, Ymail, Gmail, Yahoo, Googlemail, Rocketmail, etc are very easy to set up. Give yourself a few fake names and pretend to be an ‘admirer’. Use the scare tactics via email to prove to your ex that there is no one quite like you on this planet and he/she was a fool to have gotten rid of you in the first place.
Do open 2/3 fake Facebook and MySpace accounts and add him/her as a friend and make contact. Put false names and don’t be yourself on any of the fake Facebook accounts. Then you can chat as someone else and retrieve info as an added bonus.

Word for the wise - The more info you can obtain the better.

If you find this is still not getting you anywhere, its time to bring out the big guns.

House Stalking:

Tools Needed: Binoculars, Camera, A Pen, Paper, Mobile Phone with Credit, Warm clothing, Food, Gift of the day.

Do hide behind anything that covers you. Bushes are a great cover up so hide behind them with ease. Camouflage clothing works wonders behind a bush. A bit of green and brown make up or paint slapped over the nose and cheeks easily lets you blend in with the bush that you are hiding behind. He/She will never spot you coming.
If said ex lives on a main road, then do hide behind a vehicle as it works just as well as a bush. A slight change of clothing may be necessary. It is recommended to wear something metallic in this instance as it helps you blend into the background of a car, van, scooter, lamp post, etc.
If you are taking your own vehicle with you, do disguise the number plate or any other easily spotted traits as this could give the whole game away.
Do send your ex a text every hour completing them on their outfit, hair style, new bed sheets, program they are watching on TV, etc.
Do take photos of your ex sleeping.
Do leave a love note on their vehicle for the next time they come to use it. It is recommended to say something along the lines of ‘Thanks for last night, looking forward to tonight’. The reason for this is incase your ex has a ‘new beau’, as this will most certainly put the ‘new beau’ in a state of confusion and scare the ‘new beau’ away thinking that your ex is still seeing you (well its you that’s doing the seeing but no need to split hairs).
Do leave your ‘Gift of the Day’ on their doorstep. If you are starting to run out of ideas for new gifts, then why not consider using the photos of your ex sleeping and super impose yourself sleeping next to him/her. Or take some new photos of yourself naked and in explicit positions and super impose images of him/her on top of you doing obscene things. It is recommended to put these photos in an envelop with a hole cut out at an appropriate area to grab attention.
Do jump out and talk to your ex when he/she passes at every opportunity. This will show just how much you think of them and that you feel it ready to give it another go.

Word for the wise – If you hear the faint sound of a police siren, it is recommended to run like the wind. This should not be a problem for you since your ex has been keeping you fit by having you dancing all over the town recently.

Extra Tips if Needed

The following can be used at any time that you deem necessary:

Do visit his/her friends every second day until they agree to call the ex for you. As you only really need them to open the conversation for you, explain to them that you don’t need much of their time. Once they have opened the conversation, do feel free to snatch the phone out of their hand and chat away. It is recommended to take the friends something they will appreciate i.e. phone credit. This will make the twisting of their arms so much easier.
Do create a fake Facebook/MySpace account for your ex. Pretend to be him/her and send his entire friends list a message advising them to delete his old account as it has been hacked and to add the new one. The relationship status is to be’ in a relationship with your name’. Do change the profile pic on a daily basis with photos of you together. On every status, do include how much he/she loves you and how you are to be married on ‘date to be inserted’. Do dis all his/her old ex’s and how they ment nothing.

If the above is still not proving to be any use then you are not a good stalker. But with that in mind, practice makes perfect.