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Fifteen Bitchin' Movie Characters I Would Totally Want to Meet

  • Nov 7, 2009
I just had to do something like this.  A lot of the movies I see... there are awesome characters in them and through their awesome we come to like them in some way.  The good guys (like Indiana Jones) and the bad guys (like The Joker).  I only went to fifteen.  I didn't want to put all the charaters I'd want to meet here.  Depending on how things go, I just might want to make a sequel to this list.

Also, I'm new at the self depreciating humor thing so go easy on me here.  The reason I shit on uh, myself (ew...) is because these characters have achieved a level of coolness so few mortals are even aware exist!  Why in the hell would they want to hang around a guy like me, eh?  Instead of hanging with me they should be hanging with, uh... Fonzie from Happy Days!

Lastly, the list is in no particular order and is done in good fun.  Try NOT to focus on the actors who play them and instead focus on the character themselves.
Officer John McClane-Bruce Willis: Die Hard
Movie: Die Hard
Played By: Bruce Willis
Why He's Bitchin': Those wisecracks are great and funny but for the most part it's just because he's a total bad ass who took on a group of terrorist... FOUR F*CKING TIMES!  
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: I imagine John McClane would smack me around, I'd say something stupid and he'd quickly shoot me in the head for getting on his nerves because he already had to deal with Justin Long and that was torture enough.

Red (The Shawshank Redemption)
Movie: The Shawshank Redemption
Played By: Morgan Freeman
Why He's Bitchin': He's played by Morgan Freeman what more do you need!?  But beyond that he just seemed like a wise, cool and laid back kind of guy.  Why just the power of his words alone makes me love this guy!
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: Well, first of all, if we met it would probably be because I got in prison for some crime I didn't commit and... oh, wait.  Seriously, though, I imagine he'd have nothing better to do than talk for a long stretch of time and I would swoon because I love the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice.  In short, I'd die happy.

Tyler Durden
Movie: Fight Club
Played By: Edward Norton and Brad Pitt
Why He's Bitchin': Do I need to say?  Not just because he's the narrator and actually Tyler Durden, but because he started up a fight club where a bunch of people get together and fight.  Not that I'd want to be involved in a Fight Club, but this guy is just awesome.
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be LIke: Well, first I'd start by punching him in the ear.  It's the principle of the thing.  After that we'd probably get into a fight and I'd be left bleeding and dead while all The Narrator would have would be bruises from him kicking his own ass because our fight would just be that pathetic.  Yeah, that's right, he'd have to kick his ass FOR me!

Alex DeLarge
Movie: A Clockwork Orange
Played By: Malcolm McDowell
Why He's Bitchin': Mostly it's just because that in spite of his nature he just seems like a really interesting guy to hang around.  He's a likeable character... despite being obsessed with sex and violence.
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: Uh, deadly.

Han Solo
Movie: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
Played by: Harrison Ford
Why He's Bitchin': Aside from the fact that he's got a bitchin' sidekick?  He's a smart alecky wise ass.  A cowboy and a rogue of sorts.  Who wouldn't want to know Han Solo besides maybe Clint Eastwood (we assume because Clint Eastwood would totally kick his ass).  
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: We'd get involved in some smuggling of sorts and then get into a mess of trouble, I'd be the whiny bitch while he'd be the one getting us out of a jam.  It would be like meeting John McClane only he wouldn't want to pop me with the business end of an assault rifle for being an annoying little bitch.  Or, I'd try to tell him something sophistocated and he'd tell me he doesn't care.  Nevertheless the point is... I'd get to ride in the Millenium Falcon.

Movie: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
Played By: He's a puppet but Frank Oz does the voice
Why He's Bitchin': Because he's a motherf*cking Jedi what more do you need?  And he's TINY!
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: Well, first he'd tell me I was too old to begin the training to be a Jedi.  I'd beg and plead, we'd finally train and then he'd tell me just how pathetic I really am, give up and use the force to put me on the opposite end of the world so that we'd never have to speak again.  But he'd still Thank God everyday I wasn't Jar Jar Binks.

Dr. Strangelove
Movie: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Played By: Peter Sellers
Why He's Bitchin': Because he's just all around weird and has a kooky manner about him
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: Me poking him several times because I would still find it unusual that such a human being exists.

Carrie White
Movie: Carrie
Played By: Sissy Spacek
Why She's Bitchin': Seriously, the girl decimated her entire prom and killed a bunch of people.
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: Eventually she'd use her psychic powers to make me explode, if only because I'm trying too hard to be nice so that she won't use her psychic powers to make me explode.

Jules Winnfield
Movie: Pulp Fiction
Played By: Samuel L. Motherf*cking Jackson
Why He's Bitchin': Because he's played by Samuel L. Jackson for one thing.  But beyond that he's just this tough dude who doesn't take shit from anyone.
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: He'd call me a motherf*cker a lot, then quote Ezekiel 25:17 at me before busting a cap in my ass.

Hans Landa
Movie: Inglourious Basterds
Played By: Christoph Waltz
Why He's Bitchin': If there ever was a rogue character, this is it.  Sort of.  Taking his orders from above and known as being a Jew Hunter.  He's a very intelligent and yet for some odd reason... very charming.
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: Well, uh, in case you can't tell from my profile picture... I'm Black so I'll let YOU figure out how that meeting would go.

John Malkovich
Movie: Being John Malkovich
Played By: John Malkovich
Why He's Bitchin': He's not, but if John Cussack was controlling him I won't complain.  But how many of YOU had a movie that was about people being you for like fifteen minutes and then dropping you off at the New Jersey Turnpike?  None of you.  Didn't think so!
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: I just keep getting this urge to ask whoever is in there to know if they can see my house from there.  I guess there's not much I can imagine that meeting would be like... but if John Cussack was there?  Maybe--just maybe--I'd bust a nut

The Joker
Movie: The Dark Knight
Played By: Heath Ledger
Why He's Bitchin': Look at what this guy did with a few barrels of gasoline and some dynamite?  Totally turned an entire city on itself.  I'd rather work with this guy than against him.
What I Imagine that Meeting Would Be Like: The Joker would show me a magic trick in which he makes a bullet disappear through my face!

indiana jones
Movie: Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
Played By: Harrison Ford
Why He's Bitchin': He's like Han Solo, but better!  This dude defines adventure!  Plus he's got a whip and a fedora!  All bitchin' people have a whip and wear a fedora!
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: It would be the two of us outrunning SOMETHING and me getting killed by that SOMETHING really quick.

Jack Sparrow
Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Played By: Johnny Depp
Why He's Bitchin': He's just so damn charming!  And SOMEHOW, through luck, charm, wit feigned stupidity or something... this guy gets out of every f*cking situation he's in!
What I Imagine That Meeting Would Be Like: We'd have lots of rum and then we'd do SOMETHING that would leave me clapped in irons while he got away and I'd wonder if we were supposed to be friends or not

What did you think of this list?

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August 27, 2010
Much more fun to read than my two lists on TV and movie characters, but then those were just my favorites...not necessarily ones I'd want to meet. I take that back. I would totally have wanted to meet Ares from XENA.
August 27, 2010
Your schoolgirl crush on Kevin Smith is so cute! Why isn't my schoolboy crush on Lucy Lawless that charming?
; )
August 27, 2010
I didn't know you had one.
August 27, 2010
Doesn't every man?
August 27, 2010
Actually, no. My friend Gary had the hots for Gaby. But then his type is the petite blond. Except for his sudden inexplicable attraction to Sarah Palin.
November 16, 2009
Love you list. I might add that fun is listening to "Yoda-speak" it is.
November 09, 2009
Hilariously entertaining list, Sean. I love the bit about "Inglourious Basterds". That was one of my problems with that film actually. Tarantino writes such charming and likeable characters, even when they're evil scum, and it just bugged me that in a film that is meant to be a revenge fantasy about the Jews killing Nazis, the Nazis were more memorable and more interesting. Couldn't help but get pissed off by that.

I love the fact that you put Harrison Ford on here twice rather than just add Harrison Ford and free up a space, that shows that you're taking this seriously. ; )

I'm off to check out your "Shawshank Redemption" review.
November 09, 2009
Well, in most films I'm often more interested in the villains than the good guys.  I thought the Hans Landa thing with Inglourious Basterds was just me because I have this attraction to the bad guy in most movies (they're often more fun, I was going to put Vader on this list but then thought... Yoda seems more fascinating to meet).  But yeah, I'm a bit more interested in the character rather than the actor in this case.  I'm sure I could make a sequel to this list... we'll call...

"Fifteen MORE Bitchin' Movie Characters I Would Totally Like to Meet," haha.
November 10, 2009
The Bride from "Kill Bill" would be near the top of my list, I think. So would T.E. Lawrence from "Lawrence of Arabia".
November 09, 2009
I'd love to meet the Joker and ask him how he really got those scars and drink with Sparrow! entertaining list, Sean!
November 09, 2009
This was so fun to read. I would be scared to death to meet Hans Landa in person though!
November 08, 2009
I love the concept of this list! And are you serious about wanting to meet Carrie and the Joker? I'd be afraid of Carrie directing knives at me and the Joker penciling my head!

I'm such a straight girl... If I were to make a list, I'd only have hot guys on it :P
August 27, 2010
Good for you!
August 27, 2010
About the list creator
Sean A. Rhodes ()
Ranked #7
I'm a more analytical person. I believe that the purpose of the review is not for me to give you my opinion but for me to give you an analysis and help you decide if you want to get it. If you reading … more
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