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Stallone'd, Slys stupid movies that we watch anyway.

  • Sep 8, 2011
Stallone, love him or hate him, he has two of the most famous movie characters ever, but around them, he's got some pretty iffy movies. Some are fun to watch inspite of this, and some are just dumb, corny camp. Lets look at some now! Movies are not in any particular order.
1
Over the Top
Stallone plays the man with the greatest name in cinema: Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver by trade but noted arm wrestler on the side who puts it all on the line to win big Vegas cash in a world arm wrestling competiton and in the process, gets his estranged son to love him again. Light on action, syrupy on drama and that kid is awful, but who cares. Stallone drives a cool truck and arm wrestles.
See the full review, "Rocky V and a half?".
2
Rocky IV
After fighting for recognition, then fighting for money then fighting to prove he is the man he thinks he is, Rocky Balboa steps into the ring with a super-Russian boxer who killed his friend and to fight for the glory of the US in this cold war tale. A bunch of montages, very little movie and enough corn to make Nebraska proud, who cares? Underdogs rule and Dolph is awesome as Drago.
See the full review, ""TONIGHT ONLY ON PPV, US vs THEM!! DON'T MISS IT!! ORDER NOW!!"".
3
Cobra (1986)
Cobra is the answer to all crime, and the answer is bullets, especially when radical biker gangs start declaring new order. Heavy handed for sure and super dumb, but Stallone blazes away all the same, so who cares? Well the movie still sucks otherwise.
4
Judge Dredd
A cliche machine looking and feeling little like the clever action/satire/black comedy comic that it draws from puts an obnoxious Rob Schneider as Dredds sidekick, a story that would have been better used as a sequel and Dredd without mask. Lets look at the bright side, the movie looks cool, Diane Lane looks great and theres plenty of ham to go around.
See the full review, "He must be the law if this movie is legal".
5
Demolition Man
Stallone is a reckless cop and Snipes is a wacky druglord and both are put on ice and thawed out in the future where we learn that peace sucks, sex is weird, Taco Bell is all anyone eats and again, Rob Schneider is still around. Lets look at the bright side, the movie looks cool, Sandra Bullock is hot as hell in her cop costume and theres plenty of ham to go around.....wait.
See the full review, "The movies IQ is set a shade or two above defrost".
6
Tango & Cash
Ray Tango is a Beverly Hills Cop who plays the market and wears fancy suits to work. Gabe Cash works downtown in a rat hole and is upset when his 7 dollar shirt gets ripped. Together they clean up the drug filled streets until the hamtastic Jack Palance gets them framed and thrown in prison. Plenty of corn and cheese to go around, but lets look at the good stuff. Sly and Kurt are awesome together, Teri Hatcher is sexy as hell (Stallone I just noticed gets some great looking women in his movies) and as stupid as it looks, that SUV war machine at the end is cool.
See the full review, "Stallone + Russell = nachos".
7
Cliffhanger
Stallone plays a normal guy specializing in mountain rescue in the Rockies who comes across John Lithgow and his band of thieves who just ripped off a gazillion dollars so Stallone must engage in some ham to ham combat. Hell, John Lithgow is a ham and cheese machine unto himself in this movie alone, hes that awesome, sorta.
8
The Specialist
Awful movie with Stallone as a bomb expert hired by Sharon Stone to blow up the evil that is Rod Steiger playing a Cuban gangster backed up by James Woods who could destroy the world on his own, rather then bombs. Not enough action, or sexyness when this was billed as an erotic thriller but hey, the movie is so bad it can be good.
9
Cop Land (Exclusive Director's Cut) (Miramax
Stallone loses his muscles and gains a gut to play a dim New Jersey Sheriff who must wake up and realize that his pals, big city cops aren't all that good. How can they be? Harvey Keitel is the ringleader? Meandering and slow, when it gets going, it does get good. Not very corny or hammy but it can go here.
10
Oscar (1991)
Any movie that meanders for more then 20 minutes that isn't Alien can't be that good, but when the movie gets going it does get better. Stallone is a gangster who wants to go straight but can't cause too much nonsense keeps going on around him. That opening 20 minutes though....

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September 13, 2011
LOL-the title of your list got me!! Thanks for a comical read....
September 13, 2011
rbuchman has a similar list, one that I could not find when I made this one, but it existed with a similar name.
 
September 12, 2011
LOL...this is hilarious!
 
September 11, 2011
My, this seems familiar.
September 11, 2011
I tryed looking for the STALLON'ED list to inspire from, but didn't see it till after I made this one.
 
September 09, 2011
The man has become Mae West, doing good-natured parodies of himself but always the star.
 
September 08, 2011
Nice job on this. One thing you have to give Sly, he knows what his fans want and he gives it to them.
September 08, 2011
Thats what he's really doing now. 65 and still going strong. Expendables 2 is rumored to have Hulk Hogan, Carl Weathers AND Mr T in it. Rocky 3 reuinion man!
 
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About the list creator
John Nelson ()
Ranked #8
Born in Wausau Wisconsin. Move at an early age to Ventura California and lived for 8 years. Growing up in a big city landscape didn't prepare me for my next move: Archbold Ohio with a population of … more
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