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The Vampire Historians » Lists » 15 VERY Disturbing Twilight Products--FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY!?!?!?!?!?

15 VERY Disturbing Twilight Products--FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY!?!?!?!?!?

  • Dec 12, 2009
Okay, this list is going to freak you out. Because when I came across a place that talked the 30 most disturbing Twilight Products. Well, I was looking through that. If you've ever seen that movie The Ring, my face looked kind of like that afterwards. Word to the wise: I don't think this list is uh, appropriate for much of Twilight's fanbase (the younger ones, couple of adult material here). It's VERY disturbing that I have to say that. You can find the full list of where I found this stuff here.  I just thought I'd give my own commentary.  Because yes, these things disturb the living hell out of me.  You should all share my fear.

It's no secret, Twilight is now one of the biggest cash cows.  You have to salute the creativity of these guys, and then I bet you'll want to punch them in the face!
Twilight Bumper Stickers

This is something a bit, uh, normal compared to everything else on this list.  So we'll start here and escalate into one disturbing product after another.  Wouldn't you like to let your friends know that you "Drive Like a Cullen" or something like that?  Yes, that's right, bumper stickers that let people know that deep down inside, you're retarded.
Twilight Cook Book

No, this isn't some sort of Joke. A Twilight Cookbook. That lets you know how to cook things like Harry's Fish Fry, Bella's Lasagna... You know it might be easier just to buy a cookbook or something. But that would probably be smart. We're still pretty tame, though, but nothing says cash cow quite like a cookbook that's only real difference is that it carries the Twilight name!
Twilight Converse Shoes

Want to be a walking Fashion Disaster that'll get ripped apart by the Fashion Police?  Then you should buy these shoes.  Nothing says Twilight Obsession like Twilight Shoes!  Sure you might laugh at that person, but imagine how humiliated you'd be if that person

BEAT YOU DOWN WITH TWILIGHT CONVERSE SHOES!  Who's laughing now?  It's still you because we know it won't happen.  But hell, it would be quite an attempt wouldn't it?

Naturally if there are Twilight Shoes there have to to be Twilight Socks.  The fact that they're called "Twisocks" is a little disturbing, though.  You can put Twi as a prefix for a lot of things... see below!  At the very least... uh, they go along great with those godawful Twilight Shoes!
Twilight Barbie Dolls

You knew this was coming!  They've got Twilight Barbie dolls!  Now you're kids can practice abstinence with dolls!  I assume the clothes don't come off because that would totally go against the mythos put forth in Twilight.  And if they do I assume you'll get pregnant with a vampire child who break your ribs and make you vomit blood as punishment for playing with the Barbie Dolls the way mommies and daddies played around when they were creating you!  Aw... isn't it cute?
Bella's Birthday Dress
Bella was afraid of getting old. And hey, this dress does have a sort of Old Lady charm to it. Of course, Bella was only turning 18. But you can take have her reject dress too! Word to the ladies: If your boyfriend gets you this dress: HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!
My Mommy's a

Look at this?  Isn't it cute?  I mean, a MOTHER walking around with their baby in THIS.  It's no secret that Twilight fans are all SORTS of ages.  From like12 to 120.  But if you see a mother putting their baby in this, you should just walk up to her and say, "So I guess that means you're an insensitive bitch to your best friend with a side of fuck you to your normal friends!?"  I stole that from Robot Chicken.  Actually, if I saw a toddler being held in this, I would pray that baby would run away the moment he learned to crawl... and then sprint the moment he learned how to walk.  Don't worry, frightened parent--your baby would be better off!
Bella's Wedding Ring
He loves you!  And what better way for your man to show he loves you than by giving you Bella's wedding ring that Stephenie Meyer never descrbes in the book what it looks like!  Okay, girls, let me level with you.  Edward is a pretty controlling and possessive guy, right?  Just, level with me here.  So if your boyfriend gives you THIS ring, you know what that means?  He's basically telling you that he owns your ass.  Yep.  Owns.  Your. Ass.
Cross Stitch Abs

There's disturbing, bizarre and then there's downright stupid.  These cross stitch abs are downright stupid.  This one is actually for the guys!  Or for girlfriends to give to their boyfriends.  You can, uh, stitch on abs.  By stitching them on your shirt that you probably didn't want to stitch on in the first place.  If you're girlfriend does give this to you it's a really big hint.  If guys buy this for themselves it's a VERY big hint.  You shameful bastard!
Twilight Shower Curtain

And it gets more disturbing.  Wouldn't it be sexy if Edward (or Alice) could watch you... shower?  Wouldn't it be sexy, guys, to walk into the bathroom and have Edward watching you take a piss?  This is where it gets really disturbing!  There's a shower curtain... a TWILIGHT Shower Curtain where Edward (or one of the other members of the Cullen Family) is looking right at you.  Think that's creepy?  Look at number 11!

Seriously!  Remember in the Twilight Movie where Edward admits he's been watching Bella sleep at night?  Well, now you can put his Silhouette on your wall!  It's like having a very creepy dreamcatcher or something in your room.  But you know what?  It just MIGHT work to keep predators away.  Just hear me out... a burglar breaks into your house and sees that Silhouette on your wall, right?  No, he's not going to think, "Holy shit there's someone there!"  No, his first thought is going to be, "This person is fucking crazy, if she wakes up she'll kill us!"  And then he'll run like hell.  Nothing scares predators away like his own thoughts that you could be a nut case!
TwiCrotch Panties

And then there's... this thing. Twilight Undies! With EDWARD ON THEM! AND HIS LIPS ARE ON THE INSIDE! This is the closest any woman will ever get to having Robert Pattinson go down on them! Except you'll be literally walking around with his lips on your crotch. Yes... HIS LIPS ON YOUR CROTCH! Just look at the freakin' picture in the data point! I know what you're thinking... how the hell can you get much more disturbing than this, you might ask?
Essence of Twilight Body Sprays

Well, there's this.  Twilight Body Sprays!  Smell like some of your favorite characters!  You can smell Spirited like Alice, Intoxicating like Edward, Irresistable like Bella or Sensual like Jacob.  Ummm... what?  Oh there are plenty of things about this that are just plain creepy.  Not as creepy as...
The Vamp
Okay, this may be the most disturbing of them all.  Uh, "The Vamp" is what women will use to replace you guys reading this!  It's a dildo.  No, I'm not kidding.  They made a Twilight Dildo!  Okay, I know all kinds of people read Twilight... but isn't the target audience... you know... as young as twelve years old?  Now, I'm not crying moral outrage.  No, no, no.  Teenagers are going to, you know, be interested in sex sooner or later: BUT A TWILIGHT DILDO!?  COME ON!   You want to know what's more disturbing?

Sample Comment: OMG I love the vamp I glued a bunch of hair from my moms wigs onto it and pretended it's Jacob :] GO VAMP! <---HER MOM'S WIG!  AND PRETENDED IT WAS JACOB! 

Anyone else willing to admit that women just might be a teeny bit more gross than men?  So how do you top THIS thing?
Bella's Womb

...It's real.  And quite disturbing.  LOOK AT THIS THING!?  Who in their right mind would do this?  And it's got the little half human half bloodsucker thing in there!  Who's idea was THIS?  I'm just curious, does Stephenie Meyer know stuff like this is out there?  And if she DOES why isn't she doing something about this?  I'm sure she gets her kick out of "The Vamp" (there's an image to scar you for life), but BELLA'S WOMB!?  Don't you have to draw the line somewhere!?

What did you think of this list?

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December 06, 2011
Okay, as a hardcore KISS fan, a part of me doesn't see too much wrong with most of this list. Those guys have plastered their face and logo on just about everything under the sun. HOWEVER, considering the fanbase, the "Vamp" and the womb thing go a bit too far in my book. I actually know a lady who has that "I drive like a Cullen" bumper sticker on her SUV. I'm tempted to ask her if she picked up the "Vamp" at the same time!
December 06, 2011
So, I'm going to buy the cook book, the shoes, the socks, the dress, the wedding ring, silhouette, and the Alice and Bella body sprays! xD
November 29, 2011
Wow. Just wow. One of those things that makes me consider rethinking my stance on the free market!
October 15, 2010
i dont mind the converse :) the rest is just a bit creepy though.
July 10, 2010
wow...umm yeah some of that stuff is just....beyond weird, and i'm a twilight fan...
April 11, 2010
Wow! How interesting... (not!). What people won't do to make a quick buck. I didn't think Twilight could get any worse outside the books or movies. I was wrong. :-P
March 10, 2010
Hilarious, disturbing list. However, I am not totally opposed to the vibrator. Wig yes, vibe, no. If learning the joys of a vibrator is the lasting legacy of Twilight on a girl's life, then I think it could be considered a public service.
December 16, 2009
Sean, I'm dying reading this. This is just too much for me to handle. Just when I think I couldn't be more shocked with the TwiCrap out there, I get to #11, #14 and #15. I mean, seriously??? Nevertheless, great list. Thanks for the comic relief!
December 13, 2009
Who makes this stuff? I thought that surely the "Twilight Barbies" would have topped your list, but that underwear, the vampire dildo, and the model of Bella's womb are really creepy by anyone's standards. I've said it before and it bears repeating, "This Twilight thing has gotten way out of hand." Someone save the youth of the nation from their own pop culture before it's too late!
April 03, 2010
This list is just begging to be added to my Vampire Historians community! We could do with some humor over there...
April 03, 2010
Oh, cool.  Well in that case, that's what I'll do.
December 29, 2010
this list is awesome! I've found a new way to apply these products to internet troll behavior. LOL!
December 29, 2010
Now, that is disturbing!
December 12, 2009
Most of this stuff is pretty standard until you got to the dildo. I can't imagine anybody being so greedy that they'd authorize something like that. As a horror fan who's been to a lot of conventions I've seen a lot of really weird and even disgusting stuff at the dealers' tables, but coming from fans of THIS series it somehow seems much sicker.
December 13, 2009
You mean because they're supposed to be cute, innocent, Christian vampire and werewolf freaks? LOL!
December 14, 2009
Yeah. Wereas horror freaks are SUPPOSED to be demented and perverse.
December 15, 2009
That's a myth. It's the ones who seem sweet and naive that you should be fearing.
December 16, 2009
Have you no regard for type-casting at all!?
December 16, 2009
Not really. Sorry!
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About the list creator
Sean A. Rhodes ()
Ranked #3
I'm a more analytical person. I believe that the purpose of the review is not for me to give you my opinion but for me to give you an analysis and help you decide if you want to get it. If you reading … more
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