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Vampires Suck (2010)

A 2010 movie directed by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg.

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Seldom does a title help you so much in your thoughts on a film...

  • Aug 18, 2010
Albert Einstein once famously observed that time was relative and that its passage changed depending upon circumstances. One well-known consequence of this is that the faster you travel, the slower time goes. If someone is on a spacecraft traveling at near light-speed for a few months and then returns to Earth, she will find that several years have passed. You can see this in action in Planet of the Apes. Time also passes differently depending on your relationship to a large gravitational source, such as a planet or a sun, meaning that for those on the International Space Station time passes at a different rate than it does for people here on Earth. This is further illustrated in a practical sense by the fact that the clocks on all the GPS satellites travel at a different rate of speed than clocks here on Earth, and so relativity must be taken into account when using GPS systems.

Another great example of relativistic time-dilation is what you experience when playing a video game, watching TV, watching a movie or reading a book. If it's a good example of the work, time will fly past. If it's a bad example, you might feel every second tick by. To experience the latter effect, I recommend that you see Vampires Suck, a movie so aggressively boring and uninteresting that each minute will feel like hours and when exiting the theatre you might feel the need to ask "What year is this?"

This is a bad movie. It's dull, it's plodding and worst of all, it's not funny. At no point did I find this movie even vaguely amusing. There is nothing at all that's good about it. Even the considerably lovely eye-candy wasn't enough to keep me from trying to figure out what clever means I wanted to use in writing the start of this review (Einstein... relativity... not bad, eh?).

Now I've ever seen anything by the writers/directors/perpetrators of this movie, but I've read enough about their work to know what I was in for. Likewise, I've ever read any of the Twilight books nor seen the films, but thanks to various sources I've learned a lot more than I care to about the source material. As a result when seeing this film I could have a mental checklist and say, "Yes, there's that scene done," and I could know that they wouldn't be done in a good, interesting or funny fashion. It's sad on many levels, because there's a lot of room to really slam on the Twilight series, and there's a few scenes where they almost pull it off, but ultimately it just doesn't work.

It's quite possible to make good spoof films, but it's not easy. Off the top of my head, the only spoof films I can think of that really worked and worked well are Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, The Naked Gun, Scary Movie and the best of the bunch, Airplane!, which really set the standard for the post-Mel Brooks spoof films. Watch any of those rather than this.

As I reach the end of this review, it occurs to me that I've not yet summarized the plot. That's ok. Just be aware of the overall plot to the Twilight series and you'll be ok. If you don't want to do that, just watch the trailer. It's a far nicer experience than watching the movie, and you'll save 82 minutes and eight bucks in the process.

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September 02, 2010
So far this film has generated some hilarious reviews from some very witty reviewers. The film makers ought to take note and hire you people to write their future projects.
September 02, 2010
Ha, that's funny. I've never read the books nor seen the movies either, but I feel like I know it so well what with it being all over the internet! Too bad to hear that this spoof movie wasn't a good one because I usually like them. Thanks for sharing, CR!
More Vampires Suck reviews
review by . August 18, 2010
posted in Movie Hype
It's commonplace these days to hate Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer on general principles. One of the reasons I hate them is that their parodies have virtually no angle of approach. This makes it next to impossible for me to find something about their films worth reviewing. There's nothing there - no themes, no visual techniques, no symbolism, no clever dialogue, no nuanced performances, no item of discussion. There's just unadulterated goofiness, a series of comedic vignettes that don't really …
Quick Tip by . September 12, 2011
I have to say, I had second thoughts in seeing this film. I mean, “Vampires Suck” does suck, but how do you knock it for spoofing one of the overrated, below average movies of the last few years such as the “Twilight” franchise. I would have made a movie that made fun of that saga, so I guess in a way you may say that I am a supporter of the motivations behind such a film.      It takes certain elements from the first two “Twilight” …
Quick Tip by . December 29, 2010
posted in Movie Hype
This movie wasnt as bad as id expected it to be. Some of parts where outright funny because the acting in the spoof was better than the actual twilight movies! The part where edward breaks up with becca and she has her little flip out in the woods was way more realistic than the onscreen version presented in New Moon! I love the twilight books and like the movies but that didnt stop me from laughing at this one.
review by . September 22, 2010
posted in Movie Hype
   Let's face it, the creators of Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Meet the Spartans are absolutely awful parody writers. The only reason they have spawned any success is that there are people out there, like me, who love parody movies, and they just happen to be the only one's throwing them out right now.      All of their previous work aside, this one was actually a little better than most. I attribute this to two things. First, 95% of their source …
About the reviewer
C R Swanson ()
   I'm an aspiring writer and reviewer. I run a blog, I'm working on a novel and spend my free time reading and playing video games. I also spend waaaaay too much time and money on movies. … more
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If any pop-culture phenomenon ever deserved a send-up, surely it's theTwilightworld, with its overheated vampire love and shirtless teenage werewolves. The moment is seized byVampires Suck, yet another movie parody from the team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the boys behindDisaster MovieandMeet the Spartans. As in their previous spoofs, Friedberg and Seltzer string together some jokes around the plot, a few topical references, and a barrage of irrelevant pop-culture allusions (unless you can figure out how Tiger Woods, the Kardashians, and Lady Gaga are relevant to the proceedings). The first couple ofTwilightpictures are rapidly condensed, with heroine Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to a rainy town in Washington and meeting the unnaturally pale Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), whose vampire clan can hardly keep from draining Becca's blood on the spot. Of course there's also wolf-boy Jacob (Chris Riggi), who reminds Becca that he is contractually obligated to take his shirt off and expose his bare chest (his torso here is more elaborate than in the realTwilightmovies) every 10 minutes. That joke is an example of how farVampires Suckis behind its own audience; the movie hits the obvious points, with plenty of dead air in between. A few gags pay off, including Jacob's werewolf clan (shirtless, natch) breaking out into a dance routine to "It's Raining Men." And Jenn Proske, in her film debut, does a lights-out impersonation of Kristen Stewart's ...
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Genre: Comedy
Release Date: August 18, 2010
Screen Writer: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Studio: Twentieth Century Fox
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