One Night Stands - The Unlucky Girls Guide to the Morning After the Night Before
Jul 2, 2010
The morning after can be quite an ordeal on its own, but if you take heed of the morning after ‘do’s and don’ts’ you may just make it out of there by the skin of your teeth, reputation in tact.
Your fun filled evening out with the girls took the right (but oh so wrong) turn and after the 2 bottles of wine consumed whilst throwing on your slap, 7 Vodka Martini’s for warm up, 5 Beers to swill away the Vodka Martini’s and 12 Shots just for fun, whilst managing to hook that fish and reel that sucker in. So why would this seem unlucky you may very well ask? Well, if you make sure that you take heed of the morning after ‘do’s and don’ts’ and you can’t go wrong:
N.B. This is not for the faint hearted.
The Wake Up After waking up and managing to realize with blurry understanding that you are not alone, do let all the details of the night before come flooding back to you. You may have bagged a little hottie and your performance could have been excellent.
Do squint back the blurry haze to reveal daylight.
Don’t roll over too quickly and pull a muscle in your neck. The pain can be horrendous and also make you look ‘retarded’.
Do open your eyes with confidence and take in your fish. If you could have sworn that you bedded ‘Leonardo DiCaprio’, not ‘Lyle bleedin’ Lovett’, don’t show the pure disgust on your face as this could really offend your fish.
My suggestion is to put it down to the bad kebab that you stopped off for on the way home.
Tip for next time – Avoid Kebab shop when drunk, it always seems to do hideous things to judgment.
Gather Your Belongings Gracefully It can be an awkward predicament knowing how to get the hell out of there without causing to much of a scene and damaging your pride.
If luck was on your side, you could sneak away before ‘Lyle sodding Lovett’ even wakes up. But then, you never had been considered a ‘lucky’ girl and the sight that you have just seen was most certainly proof of that pudding.
Don’t make too much noise and disruption getting your things together. This could cause your fish to wake up and find you standing above him, legs akimbo, reaching out for those Bridgett Jones style big bum knickers (that held you in all evening but in the cold light of day just look ridiculous), that have some how managed to climb all the way up to the highest part of the chandelier.
This can be unlucky in 2 ways – firstly, when seeing you in this pose, your fish may think it is an invitation to recreate some of the night before’s loving (in a sit on his face kind of way). Secondly, you could fall over in shock at him burring his face in your nether regions, causing your ‘Bridgett Jones’s’ to then come tumbling down, having you land on his ready, eager and expecting face.
If this does happen, do just ‘go with the flow’ as they say, to avoid any more ridiculousness.
Tip for next time – In the throws of passion, never let your fish fling your Bridgett’s way out of reach.
Have Hope in your Heart
Once that deed is done and you feel fully ashamed of how your fish woke up to your crotch in his face, do realize that you have got to get the hell out of there before further embarrassment.
If your fish is any kind of decent fish, he would announce that he has to dash off to an urgent meeting which he has forgotten about.
If your fish does announce this, do try to fight the look of sheer relief from taking over the whole of your face. This will now give you alone time to get your stuff together.
Do thank your fish when he tells you not to rush and to grab breakfast before you leave (well, he has already had his ‘breakfast’ served up to him when his eyes flew open that morning).
Tip for next time – Sneak away to your fish’s kitchen to actually make breakfast.
Do feel free to make the most of your alone time to freshen up etc before leaving.
Don’t go snooping around his pad. You may break one of his figurines or other ugly artifacts.
Do get your act together and take a shower.
Don’t be tempted to indulge in a satisfying hangover poo even if it is a nice bathroom. Indulging in this act can cause heart failure: You may realize with terror, that when you go to flush your satisfying hangover poo, it may not get washed away as it should.
‘Oh Dear God’ could be a phrase used if you have ignored the above advise. Occasionally if you are terribly unlucky, you could even find with horror that the toilet is not going to flush, due to your frantic attempts at pulling at the flusher and tearing it off in sheer agonizing frustration.
Once again – ‘Oh Dear God’ can be used if necessary.
With gut trenching fear, do make a decision – do bravely stick your hand down that toilet and grab the beast with fury.
Do conceal the said beast in toilet paper and do decide to take it home with you to dispose of the nasty mammoth gracefully.
Tip for next time – Hold it.
Calm your Nerves
Do take him up on his offer of breakfast before you leave, as his kitchen seems to be in full working order. Enjoy helping yourself to an O.J and 3 cups of calming coffee so that you feel good to go.
Do make sure you have got everything before your exit. After everything that has happened this morning, you want no trace of you left behind for any future reference.
Do one last take before slamming the door making sure that pick up any items of yours that you may have missed.
Don’t walk away smiling until you can be sure that you are home free, as a sickening feeling could creep across your entire being. You could have left the toilet paper covered poo sitting pride of place on his kitchen breakfast bar…
‘O DEAR GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ may now be used to scream with shame as you sprint away, head down whilst wishing for death.
Tip for Life – NEVER take a dump in unfamiliar surroundings.