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10 Films That Work Better Without Pierce Brosnan

  • Jan 7, 2011
Mention Pierce Brosnan and in between females swooning and others noting he was "good in Remington Steele", there's little old me out there calling him out. Bring it on!
1
The Ghost Writer


The Ghost Writer is an otherwise reasonable low-key thriller from master director and fugitive-from-the-law Roman Polanski. Ewan McGregor delivers as expected but Pierce - henceforth known as PB - crushes as the British Prime Minister, and not in a good way. Recast with the same quality and remove the PB. Next!
2
GoldenEye


As Tina Turner tried to warn us in her song, "Goldeneye, I've found his weakness", referring not to the plot but to grandpa Bond, PB. His line delivery in the film ushes in a new era of Bond, where scripts are read and memorized daily and autocues are allowed.
3
Die Another Day


Upstaged by the smokin' hot Halle Berry, PB does his best to put the final nail in the coffin of the James Bond franchise. Outsexed, out-fought and out-moded, he finishes his Bond season in an Astin Vantage driving around the ice version of SeaWorld (the Eden Project in the UK, interestingly enough). Apart from noticing Rosamund Pike's unnaturally-forward hairline - the only known case of preceeding hair gain - watching PB getting beaten up is like watch a walker-fight at a home for seniors.
4
Laws of Attraction


They also case Gerard Butler, but there's a Federal law limiting his casting to 25% of all domestic movies, so we're stuck with PB. In many ways it's a cute little film featuring Julianne Moore, the world's favorite redhead, which is surprisingly since you know the script way built around the single phrase "laws of attraction" (cut to screenwriters: "you know, like lawyers but attracted!"). In keeping with this list, L of A would have been AOK without PB.
5
Dante's Peak cover


It's inexcusable that I haven't written a review about Dante's Peak, so forgive me. Needless to say, it's about a volcano about to shit the bed and Sarah Connor running a coffee shop while being mayor. There's an annoying grandma who gets gruesomely killed and enough annoying kids to make Spielberg spawn another sequel to Jurassic Park. The hero does something but I don't remember because PB's performance in DP is just that memorable.
6
Mamma Mia!


I defy anyone not to enjoy Mamma Mia - it's a really thin story strung together with great songs and actors who really belt it out. Amada Seyfried is really great. Meryl Streep is great. Everyone is great*.

*Excluding Pierce
7
Mars Attacks!


Mars Attacks! wasted a lot of people's talented, though thankfully not Pierce's, who struggles to read lines to Sarah Jessica Parker as a floating head. It may not belong in this list, since I'm not sure replacing him would have improved this movie. Though it probably would have done, just because of the laws of physics (not attraction).
8
The Lawnmower Man


Amazingly, the box for Lawnmower Man proudly claims to have "the best special effects since Terminator 2" in a quote probably provided by Larry King, the man who never hated a film. It's hard to imagine being the worst thing in a film this bad, but - lo! - Pierce makes Jeff Fahey's performance look like he was robbed of an Oscar rather than a haircut.
9
The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)


The Thomas Crown Affair is like Oceans 11 in a museum, and the remake is proof that it's never too late to massage your own ego - though at PB's age I'm amazed that Renee Russo didn't damage one of his tendons or colostomy bags. It's another pointless remake, though an excellent example of how things are generally better without Pierce Brosnan, since you can check the original.

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Post a Comment
February 15, 2011
You forgot Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. Though again, probably would not have improved the film much.This was a fun list and well written. I like PB in some of his roles, now you are making me question very nature of my perceptions! How could I not have realized how bad an actor he is?!? Did you know PB guest starred on Moonlighting as Remington Steele? If you didn't, now you do...
February 15, 2011
I haven't seen Percy Jackson, maybe because of my substitution that films with over 10 syllables in their title are going to suck my wallet dry! I wasn't aware of the Moonlighting/Remington Steele connection...
 
January 13, 2011
I don't think Pierce is all that bad. Another gem you could probably see him in is Seraphim Falls. I think A&E is going to run it soon. It also has Liam Neeson.
January 13, 2011
Ooo.... I should check that out. Liam Neeson is usually excellent*. I find myself glued to A&E "The First 48" for reasons that completely evade me.

(*The A-Team has been removed from this universe's timeline.)
 
January 12, 2011
Hahaha, this list cracks me up! Even though I'm kind of a fan of the P'B :P
January 12, 2011
Thanks! I think it was Mamma Mia that pushed me over the edge...
 
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