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Top Ten G.I. Joe Villains

  • Aug 5, 2009
  • by
I just saw GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, and although not all of the great villians from the Hasbro show were in the movie, I've made a list of the top ten villians from GI Joe. While many of the GI Joe foes are just generic soldiers, there are plenty of note-worthy GI Joe names and faces to list.
1
Destro
Destro worked alongside the Joes almost as many times as he fought against them. Although he liked to think of himself as an honorable villain, he was still a crazy mean villain. Over the years, Destro took over Cobra numerous times before starting his own villainous organization. Add to that the fact that he hooked up with the Baroness and even raised a son with her!

Oh did I forget to mention he had a METAL FREAKING HEAD?!?!

The strange thing about Destro was the way he talked, much like The Joker from Batman, as in “My dear commander” or “My dear Dr. Burkhart”

Why do all the really good villains have gay accents? Or British accents? Is it the same thing?

Quote: Militarily speaking, it's only fair to say that Cobra Commander is a world-class... buffoon.
2
Serpentor
Serpentor is my all time favorite GI Joe villain. I will never forget the first time I say him riding his Air Chariot. He is sitting at the number 2 spot for one reason only: He was defeated and killed (although he did come back from the dead, get defeated again, was cloned, and the clone switched sides).

Serpentor was created from the DNA of the worst dictators from history, including Julius Caesar, Napoleon Bonaparte, Montezuma, Philip II of Macedon and his son Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, Vlad the Impaler, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, and Grigori Rasputin. Sadly, because he was missing the DNA from Sun Tzu he was a little crazy.

I feel bad for Serpentor. Ten dads and not a single mother. Does he cry on mother's day? I think he does.

Quote: None may challenge Serpentor! This, I command!
3
Storm Shadow
Katanas are the coolest weapon in any fight scene, hands down (including lightsabers). While Storm Shadow may not have the mysterious silence of Snake Eyes, he makes up for it with his keen fashion sense. While some people may think the white costume vs Snake Eyes’ black costume may be ironic, the point is moot since both eventually joined the Red Ninja Clan. Still, he is a ninja. And a villain. So there you go.

Quote: I told you I would kill him if he touched you again
4
baroness
A hot chick in black leather. That’s probably all you think you need to know about her. But the Baroness also serves as the Cobra Organization's intelligence officer and lieutenant to Cobra Commander. Merciless to the core, the Baroness is (seemingly) loyal to whomever is in power, although her real loyalties are with Destro, with whom she is having a sordid love affair.

I’m pretty sure she was voiced by the same person who voiced Natasha from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show.

Quote: Get Down! Hey, nice shoes.
5
Dr Mindbender
This is the guy who created Serpentor. He was supposedly an expert in mind control, interrogation, genetics, cloning and cybernetics. However, this Doctor’s purple pants, no shirt, chest straps, cape, monocle, the Freddy Mercury 'stache, and the "hugely gay" boots suggest that his only degree was in being fabulous!

Also I used to draw hair on his action figure and give him a guitar and he looked exactly like the artist once again known as Prince.

Quote: If we survive, I’ll show you everything.
6
cobra commander
I was never a big fan of Cobra Commander. I know many will say he was an evil genius but I think he was just crazy. I’m-gonna-blow-up-the-world-cause-I-have-a-splinter-crazy. I mean, he created Cobra to get revenge on a man who had never done anything to him. Somehow, he stayed in power, even after being replaced by a fake Commander and trying to murder his own son.

The only time I ever really liked Cobra Commander was when they used the spores to turn him into an actual giant snake. That was fun.

Quote: Useless. It's all useless. I was once a man. A man!

7
Pythona
Pythona, formidable femme fatale assassin begins her evil career by planting the idea to create Serpentor into Dr. Mindbenders dreams. Later she reveals herself as an emissary from Cobra La, the ancient, snake-like civilization that has spent a millennia in hiding .

Pythona has razor sharp claws and deadly venom and pheromones she uses to distract men. Serpentor is highly attracted to her but with the bald head, she might be better suited pairing up with Dr. Fabulous.
8
Decepticon Logo
Although you may not be aware, the Joes have crossed paths with the Transformers five times over the last 15 years. Each time the circumstances are different, although it usually involves those stupid Cobra guys trying, and failing, to use the Decepticons for their own nefarious purposes, with the Autobots coming to the aid of our Real American Heroes.

My question goes to you, Cobra Commander, If you can’t control your own people, how do you think you are going to control 100 foot robots!?!?!

9
zartan
Zartan, a play on the name Tarzan, is famous for delivering the killing blow to Serpentor during the Cobra Civil War. Before this, he lead the Dreadnoks whose ranks included Buzzer, Ripper and Torch, and later recruits Zarana, Zandar, Thrasher, Monkeywrench, Zanzibar, and lastly, Road Pig

Zartan has undercover agent skills to match those of James Bond, mostly to due the fact that he can imitate anyone he wishes to an exact physical and vocal likeness.

The real reason, however, that Zartan even made this list is because he has been featured in multiple episodes of Robot Chicken.
10
GI Joe
Tomax and Xamot are twins (The Crimson Twins to be exact) whose financial exploits (Espionage; Sabotage, Propaganda) caught the attention of Cobra Commander. While working for him, they were the heads of the ultra-elite Crimson Guard.

The cartoon explained the psychic connection between the two. This is VERY reminiscent, however, of the Fenris Twins from the X-Men franchise whose relationship is... well, more than simple sibling love.

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August 11, 2009
I love how you updated with quotes from the movie.
 
August 07, 2009
Great List....I really like the detail you provided. I always thought that Cobra Commander was annoyingly whiny
 
August 07, 2009
Kevin... awesome list!! i didn't know you were such a G.I. Joe aficionado.  Very impressive!  #8... your write up is hilarious.
 
August 06, 2009
Awesome commentaries!!! Hilarious!
 
August 06, 2009
"Specialties in sabotage, demolitions, infiltration and terror." = should be higher on the list. Also, doesn't "Nemesis Enforcer" deserve a better spot just because of his name? NEMESIS ENFORCER? Come on.
 
August 06, 2009
I agree with not making Cobra Commander #1. He was NUTS. Serpentor used to scare the hell outta me. I had a crush on Storm Shadow. Damn ninjas. And yea, Baroness was hot.
 
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About the list creator
Kevin Pak ()
Ranked #61
I'm a total nerd. I like comic books, science fiction books and movies, and I like LOST. I also used to be a huge World of Warcraft junkie but I don't have a whole lot of time for that. The X-Men are … more
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