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Doggiewoggiez! Poochiewoochiez!

2 Ratings: 0.0
A movie directed by Everything Is Terrible

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Tags: Movies
Genre: Action, Adventure, Classics, Comedy, Crime, Drama, see all
MPAA Rating: Unrated
1 review about Doggiewoggiez! Poochiewoochiez!

ARF OF THE ABOVE!

  • Jan 26, 2013
Rating:
+5

Assiduously assembled from thousands of found canine clips, this third DVD by renowned video rapists EIT posits an astonishing remake of Alejandro Jodorowsky's surrealist classic The Holy Mountain. Ingurgitate some Kibbles 'n' Bits, apply a few drops of Visine to your third eye and enjoy this thrilling multiple-questionnaire!!

Jodorowsky's epochal narrative penetrated themes of spiritual and physical sublimation, excesses and perversions endemic of religious, commercial and social institutions and the purgative function of abnegation. Extrapolated to saucy doggies, this apologue alternatively addresses:

A. Torrential public defecation
B. Anthropomorphism by dint of CG and trendy cant, realized by overpaid Hollywood digital FX jockeys and screenwriting cocaine addicts
C. Doggystyle copulation and sultry zooerasty
D. Juicy, spurting onanism
E. Jowl massage
F. Enunciating dogs and barking humans
G. Canine eugenics propagated to breed the racially superior Uberhund
H. Bipedal line dancing
I. Buttock munching
J. Scrumptious lofted pizza pies
 

How many poochie-packed minutes constitute the duration of this canid extravaganza?

A. 55 min.
B. fifty-five minutes
C. fifty and five minutes
D. ten, ten, ten, ten, ten and five minutes
E. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four and fifty-five minutes
 

Which non-dog animals co-star with their canine superordinates in this cacophonous charade?

A. Lycanthropic Jack Nicholson
B. The Ghost of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Career
C. Irrepressible wild brute Gary Busey
D. William Sanderson
E. THOSE DAMNABLE CATS (including digital Garfield)
F. Levar Burton
G. Husky Ricki Lake
H. Jim Belushi, the Quintessence of Shamelessness
I. A seductive Charles Grodin
J. Lance "Leatherface" Henriksen
K. Woofin' Tim Allen
L. Barkin' Anne Heche
M. Cro-Magnon Superstar Ron Perlman
N. Dr. Alan Thicke, suburban renaissance man
O. Jon Voight: Human Punching Bag
P. Travolta, the Angel of Death
Q. Spasmodic Henry Winkler


Innumerable kaleidoscopic sequences of frenzied psychedelia assume preponderance in the running time of both this stupefying feature and the majority of its DVD edition's menu backgrounds. These disquieting, variegated episodes are known to induce:

A. Epileptic seizures
B. Prolonged emesis
C. Throbbing, distended genitals
D. Screaming flatus
E. Premature parturiency (teens only)
F. Six-thousand consecutive sternutations
G. Coinciding micturation and ejaculation (see C)
H. Multiple, successive aneurisms
I. Toe bursting
J. A deluging menstrual flow (see C)


In addition to an unspeakable multitude of wretched didactic videos, B-movies, direct-to-video dreck (including the nigh-totality of the venerable Air Bud series) and televised children's fare, much of the footage comprising DoggieWoggiez! PoochieWoochiez!' content was furiously lacerated from these theatrical features:

A. Breakfast at Tiffany's
B. K-9
C. Air Bud
D. Benji
E. See Spot Run
F. Beethoven
G. Cats & Dogs
H. Underdog
I. Bingo
J. Man's Best Friend
K. The Incredible Journey
L. Oh! Heavenly Dog
M. Look Who's Talking Now
N. Wolf
O. Beethoven's 2nd
P. For the Love of Benji
Q. In the Company of Wolves
R. Air Bud: Golden Receiver
S. Beverly Hills Chihuahua
T. Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey
U. The Shaggy Dog
V. The Biscuit Eater
W. The Big Stuffed Dog
X. Eyes of an Angel
Y. Firehouse Dog
Z. Paws



BONUS FEATURES/QUESTIONS

Which among these thrilling, lurid, condensed 2- to 4-minute motion pictures are included in the DWPW DVD?

A. In Boat Trip, misshapen Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz struggle with involuntary celibacy and homoerotic advances at sea
B. G. Whilliker! relates the triumph of a hayseed who defeats a cretinous professional wrester after his dog is murdered
C. Shotgun (Jones): one barbate, trigger-happy detective and his token Afro-American partner slaughter drug lords and whore slayers, often whilst besotted
D. An Extreme Heist ensues when teams of jabbering, unwashed louts abuse one another in pursuit of a computer code, routing number or some scintilla of dignity
E. When her babbling brat is kidnapped by portly, boisterous gangsters, a suburban mommy enlists the aid of a Hollywood Cop whose hair is apparently bleach-fried
F. A group of grieving douchebags (including Amy Jo Johnson amid a melodramatic nadir) and Fr. Mark Margolis are Infested by CG bugs and career slumps
G. Gripped by the sudorous fever of a cocaine addiction, rifle-toting Tobey Maguire and his gibbering, geriatric grandfather Mickey Rooney brave the Revenge of the Red Baron, here played by a Luftstreitkräfte puppet
H. So, I've ascertained that The Boys of Cellblock Q constitutes this planet's only softcore gay prison porn 4 kidz
I. Thanks to Vibrations (and a crippling, cacophonic car accident), a bleached-blonde James from Twin Peaks is divested of his paws and succumbs to alcoholic destitution; after Christina Applegate bathes him, a player piano inspires the maimed rock star to create MIDI-programmed robotic mitts, with which he performs at raves in the guise of a Terminator. On my honor, that description of this picture is wholly veracious.
J. Flexing and sweating copiously, gynecomastic, mesomorphic bodybuilder Sue Price terrorizes tellurian wastrels with his pulsating, electrical thighs, mammary syringes and vaginal probe in Nemesis 4, an evidently astonishing disaster even by the standards of its infamous director, Albert Pyun


Turgid with kitsch and didacticism, nearly all the videos of which The Best of EIT consists have prompted YouTube and Vimeo users to scratch their heads, groins and toes in puzzlement. Which among these skull-assailing chefs-d'oeuvre is most likely to scorch your viscera by way of your sense modalities?

A. PARTYING WITH RUX: a popular Teddy ingests hallucinogenic roots and collaborates with a bricoleur alchemist to invent coal while Princess Aruzia fellates a happy sailor
B. ALIEN VS. SCREECH: worthless, jabbering imbecile Dustin Diamond nearly snaps his neck in grueling, failed endeavors to generate humor; an extraterrestrial who bests him in a game of chess is almost as repulsed by him as his fellow humans
C. A WORK OUT WITH MOMMY proves distinctly disquieting, for Mommy is a prismatic, polymorphic sorceress garbed in leotard who performs prolusions in the eighth dimension
D. Lenny Magill and his fellow firearms cognoscenti demonstrate how lead may be slung on the quick, and instruct us in regard to the fundamentals of CONCEAL AND CARRY in fanny packs and handbags, and how to be VE-RY-MAR-TIAL-ART-IST-IN-OUR-STANCE
E. Young MICHAEL JUNIOR's golden pipes generate a new singularity region of spacetime
F. When shrill, crudely fashioned dummy RICKY GOES TO CHURCH with his stout, menopausal ventriloquist, he delights a crowd of dysgenics with jests and japery whilst rendering all viewers shy of octogenarian age atheistic, then shrieks obstreperously in the throes of a conniption fit while remanded to his case. GIT IT?!
G. RAPRAPRAP 'n' Dance with kidz as a pedophilic betrothal ensues and popular culture deteriorates to a fetid puddle
H. THE CHINESE GUIDE TO THE LOVEMAKING ARTS is a sacred text of Daoist practitioners of the bedroom arts, who expatiate abstruse methods of controlled ejaculation
I. Flamboyant, anthropomorphous prayer volume PSALTY lures the drama club into an isolated region of a forest so that they may perform a musical revue in praise of The Lord and matters eschatological...among other services
J. ANOTHER damnably grotesque puppet is paired with ANOTHER portly ventriloquist to perform J. Beebz' BABY to ANOTHER audience of dismayed children
K. Nobody's favorite franchise of C.O.P.S. and crooks unite to thwart a zombie drug peddler who sells effulgent narcotics medallions to haggard, hapless thirtysomethings
L. HINYIN FOR MEN, in which a stentorian beta male expounds on priapic fixations and the virtues of chronic masturbation and automassage as epicene models fondle themselves and knead their anuses, perspiring profusely
M. John Ritter's and Linda Hunt's love child urges us to JUST DON'T DO IT, for IT is copulation, a function exclusive to marriage so to assure the covenant of a certain supernal zombie Jew deity!
N. Teleporting fitness guru and author WENDY STEHLING educates her hausfrauen demographic on techniques in the pursuit of THIN THIGHS. She then bids them valediction astride an equine, cantering away along the seashore.
O. What mutual goal have Clint Howard, Lee Majors, Meat Loaf, Candace Cameron, iCarly, a bevy of lascivious vixens and Zachary Ty Brian? All of them seek hirsute MONDO BIGFOOT for comity, copulation or combat!! Also, they repeat the yeti's famed appellative until semantic satiation occurs, so I can no longer define Bigfoot.
P. KID'S LIVES (SIC) cryptically demonstrates the simple pleasures of wanton, indiscriminate childhood taunting until its repercussions prove fatal
Q. Someone's idiot mother sublimated a formerly respectable martial art to divest it of violence, supplanted its rightful function with "patience, focus and respect;" the repertory of her KARATE KIDS is consequently reduced to kicks and jumping jacks, rendering them defenseless as they're transported to a garish enchanted forest inhabited by fruity maniacs
R. TORAH TOTS (LIVE!) is shrill vaudeville of a sort commonly relegated to juvenile Christian fayre that amounts to nothing save peradventure a negligible surge of anti-Semitism among its three dozen viewers. All characters therein -- Sinister Grover, Flailing Turd, Shrieking Scroll, Perambulating Beaver Ark, Palavering Candlestick, Grafted Blueberry Skull, Hasidic Stereotype, et al. -- are dubbed by one Shloimy Bluth, who deserves a pillorying for his efforts.
S. Neither bug-eyed Mrs. Phipps nor her yowling fabric beast Snoothy are A GOOD TEACHER, but they nearly instruct a gaggle of juvenile EIT enthusiasts to write a single letter
T. Unnerving rustic God therapists Michael and Debi Pearl expone the crucial necessity of child abuse as a disciplinary measure and sexual obeisance as an assuaging means to forestall spousal abuse, thus providing you with SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT
U. Fletch Remington's saucy hunter-models stalk the catwalk with pert panache in blaze orange jumpsuits, lamb's wool, performance fleece, camel blazers and raincoats to demonstrate how they're HUNTING IN HAUTE COUTURE
V. Nobody's WINNING AT THE GAME OF SCHOOL when they attend SuperCamp: The Video Campus, in which two dorks instruct students in treatment of appropriate classroom posture, conduct and Adar salutes as the worst (shortest?) boom operator worldwide positions their boom pole so that its microphone is suspended parallel to their waists
W. A doublet of mumbling, lumpen teen sows expatiate of TELEPHONE MANNERS and struggle to relate a telephonic history as blue screen video CG morphs behind them
X. Why learn about OFFICE SAFETY? Apparently, life conducted as office veal is critically malignant anyhow
Y. With indiscriminate candor, giant plush dinosaur REPPIES can do anything through Christ, such as to compel spasmodic children to dance and rehabilitate derelict school buses!
Z. JOHN RITTER HATES YOU, but loves recycling. Loves it. Such is his exuberance for reprocessed materials that he suppresses his loathing for humanity while discharging the contents of numerous trash cans upon the driveway of an upper-middle-class household and rifles through the evacuated refuse to elaborate on the distinctive niceties of varied waste products and their proper disposal
#. Someone's barren, developmentally stunted aunt sporadically affects a trashy ghetto accent and proffers advice on STREET STYLE: how to bust a move like a def G, or something



Music videos have inflicted incalculable suffering in the course of a half-century, but which of these is the woeful worst?

A. To learn more about RASTAS FOR CHRIST, we can observe one: a scrawny, porcelain man-child garbed in flippers, a wetsuit and weighty dreadlocks who regales helpless children with the legend of Jonah to a reggae rhythm
B. More sassy kidz rap 2 remonstrate drug abuse and peddlers, and preach the virtues of DRUG SAFETY
C. Middle-aged rockabilly neanderthals explicate the hardships of their rigorous stone-age modus vivendi via rock 'n' roll in CAVEMAN BLUES
D. BIKE SAFETY RAP: if anyone can be bothered to care, hip-hop is further debased as the medium for a cycling instructor and his young charges
E. Mayhap SNACK ATTACK is best regarded as a rapping paean to the intemperate pleasures of ingurgitation, performed by an innocuous gang (including a glazed Eriq LaSalle) while their token corpulent member gormandizes an entire storeroom
F. Lovingly ablated from a screener edition of The Worst Witch, panegyry howled by GRAND WIZARD TIM CURRY in celebration of Allhallows Eve's preeminence redefines the function of metamorphosing non sequiturs!

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March 03, 2013
This looks like something I have to see after drinking some NyQuil.
 
February 01, 2013
SNUUDLES, THIS IS MAGICAL! :D YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! ulf ulf ulf! ^-^

wuf! ^-^

♥ Annusya ♥
 
January 26, 2013
can't quite figure out why--but I am so entertained by your write up!
February 01, 2013
I do: it's dog-damned scintillating! Formatting constraints (specifically, horizontal constriction and font size) reduce this version of the review to a visual shadow of its premiere edition, which in turn wasn't produced to the proportions that I envisioned. Oh, woof.
 
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"ARF OF THE ABOVE!"
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