"Dancing With the Stars" is Back for Another Round of Cheese

Since this is the first week of the show, I will go through each pair-up with a bit more detail than normal, introducing them and then talking about their debut performance in night one. Strap on your heels, kids. This is going to take awhile …

1. Audrina Patridge (star of The Hills) and Tony Dovolani:

This couple was first on the dance floor and they started things off with a Cha-cha-cha. Even though they resembled two giant canaries in their very yellow costumes, the dance was quite good and a nice start to the evening. Judges’ scores: 6/7/6

2. Kurt Warner (NFL MVP) and Anna Trebunskaya:

This couple was given The Viennese Waltz, although to me it looked more like “The Awkward Stumble.” Poor Kurt. He looked really uncomfortable. I just wanted to toss him a football, give him a hug, and tell him it would be okay. Cranky judge Len Goodman agreed with me while Carrie Ann Inaba and the delightfully ridiculous Bruno Tonioli did not. Watching the judges argue on this show is often more entertaining than the dancing. I love it when they fight! Judges’ scores: 7/5/7

3. Kyle Massey (Disney star) and Lacey Schwimmer:

Okay, first off, I found it hysterical that they introduced Kyle simply as “Disney Star Kyle Massey!” I’m guessing that if you’re over the age of 12, you were at home, like me, going “Ummm… who?” Apparently he stars on some show called Cory In the House – and if you are 7, you might watch it. Anyway, he won me over with his silly, fun, and very energetic Cha-cha-cha. The judges loved it too. Judges’ scores: 8/7/8

4. Rick Fox (Lakers NBA Champ) and Cheryl Burke:

Two smooth, beautiful dancers in extremely attractive bodies; Cheryl Burke is the object of my husband’s fantasies, and now Rick might be mine. Although I have to say his extreme face sweating is kind of a turn-off. In any case, they danced their Waltz quite well and I think Carrie Anne was inappropriately touching herself under that desk. Jeez, calm down lady. Judges’ scores: 8/7/7

5. Margaret Cho (comedian) and Louis Van Amstel:

I think this show is out to get Margaret Cho. I think they hate her and want to make her look bad. Why else would they put her in THE ugliest, tackiest, most unflattering horrible dress on her very first dance number, and then give her a ridiculous cape-prop to go along with it? Everything about this dance was just … bad. It was messy, weird, and just one giant NO. Bruno said it best: “What the hell was THAT?” Judges’ scores: 5/5/5

6. Brandy (recording artist/actor) and Maksim Chmerkovskiy:

Okay, enough with these professional dancer names that are impossible to spell and say out loud. I think I just broke a record for using 39 words all ending in “sky.” That being said, Brandy did a great job here and her Waltz was smooth and lovely. She seemed a little bit too happy about this, and it was both adorable and a little weird how much this dance show seemed to mean to her. Even weirder was Bruno’s awkward comment of: “I looove the taste of Brandy in the evening.” Ok then. Creepy. Judges’ scores: 7/8/8

7. Bristol Palin (activist) and Mark Ballas:

Okay. While I’m not going to use this show as an excuse to get all political on you, there are just too many jokes about Bristol’s appearance on this program that simply write themselves. First of all, I love that they introduced her as an “activist for teen pregnancy…prevention.” Riiiiight. And I’m an activist for healthy eating and being too skinny. Secondly, the song they chose to dance their Cha-cha-cha to was “Mama Told Me Not to Come.” Again, the jokes write themselves folks. The best part for me though was how Bristol managed to get as much “I Love America” stuff into her rehearsal montage as humanly possible.  American flag pins, Alaska t-shirts … at least they didn’t dance to some “America” themed song, so I’ll give her that. As for her dancing …there really wasn’t any. It looked as though she was being dragged across the floor. Bruno had the line of the night when he told her it was lacking, but that it’s okay because this was “virgin territory” for her. Don’t think for a second that he didn’t say THAT on purpose. I love him.. Florence Henderson (actress) and Corky Ballas:

During the rehearsal footage montage of this couple, we found out that the former Carol Brady likes to use the four-letter F word … a lot. She is also very funny and charming and has some killer legs for a 76-year-old woman! I have a bit of a soft spot for her I’ll admit, and was rooting for her to do well. Thankfully, she did well. Go Carol go! 6/6/6

9. Michael Bolton (recording artist) and Chelsie Hightower:

Even though the show referred to Bolton in the introduction as a “music legend,” I will refer to him as a singer. Elvis was a legend. The Beatles were legends. Michael Bolton is on Dancing With the Stars. And quite frankly, his “dancing” resembled Frankenstein twirling around with the girl on top of a jewelry box. I don’t think he is capable of bending. Judges’ scores: 6/5/510. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Karina Smirnoff:

I think you all know who this clown is. If not, you are much better off in life. He is one of the many annoying, mind-numbing, pointless “cast members” on the MTV show Jersey Shore. He refers to his abs and himself as “The Situation,” but since I refuse to call him that, I will be referring to him as “The Pointless Douchebag.” So “The Pointless Douchebag” made a fool of himself right away and made me loathe him more than I already do. The entire time he was out there, I was wishing he would fall flat on his abs or his horrible hair. That didn’t happen, but he didn’t start off well either. Good. Judges’ scores: 5/5/5 Jennifer Grey (actress) and Derek Hough:

The producers ”accidentally” chose a song that was in the movie Dirty Dancing. This, of course, brought back a flood of memories for Jennifer of her co-star Patrick Swayze and she broke into sobs immediately. Luckily, she brought some of that raw emotion into the actual performance and the result was a magical, dream-like piece. Anyone care to take bets on which of the judges will say, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” first? My guess is that it will be Bruno, and it will be in response to a kick-ass, comeback performance a few episodes down the road. Judges’ scores: 8/8/8

12. David Hasselhoff (actor, singer) and Kym Johnson:

Holy crap, are we DONE yet? See what I mean about how many dance couples there are? Enough already! That’s how I feel writing this, and that’s how I felt by the time they got around to this last couple. I was exhausted just watching these people, and I was all out of snacks. My favorite part of this performance was not the dancing – because that was horrific – but the way that Hasselhoff lip synced every single lyric to the song in an overdramatic fashion, moving his lips and shaking his face all around. As for the rest of him, he looked sort of like a robot that was put together with scotch-tape and ribbon. I thought a piece of his body would just randomly fall off at any given moment. The best comment of the evening was judge Len Goodman’s reaction to Hasselhoff’s dance: “Well, it’s never too early to panic.” Judges’ scores: 5/5/5

Who Should Go Home: 90% of them. They are all pretty annoying.

Who DID Go Home: “The Hoff” went home, and even though he was pretty awful, it was still surprising that he was voted off in Week One. Being the first one eliminated from a show that only casts has-beens and wannabes to begin with, HAS to be somewhat embarrassing. I guess it’s back to making those home videos for the Hoff now. Get this man a cheeseburger.