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The Bachelorette - Season 5

A 2010 Reality TV Series on ABC

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What if Simon Cowell was the Bachelorette?

  • Aug 3, 2010
Since reality shows like The Bachelorette seem to be fueled by over-the-top drama, I'd love to see a Bachelorette/American Idol mashup where the bachelorette is infused with some of Simon Cowell's "people skills".  I like to imagine how some of those rose ceremonies would go....

  1. "This whole week has been like an all-you-can buffet.  It's the best food I've ever had, but you're kinda like the bread.  Don't get me wrong, you're great bread.. some of the best bread I've ever had.  But when they're serving up prime rib in the other corner, a girl just can't fill up on bread".
  2. "Over the last two weeks, I've connected with you more than anyone else in my entire life.  I know in my heart that you are my emotional soul mate.  We've shed lots of tears together, some from the emotional connections we've made, but mostly because your intense halitosis makes my eyes water.  And it's not just your breath, but your whole body has a funk about it and then there's that thing with your feet.  I just can't be in a room with you without searching for the FeBreze (excellent product placement, btw).  Maybe in the future we could have a phone affair, or we could instant message, but I really can't be in the room with you anymore..."
  3. "When we first met, you were so new and exciting that I loved to be with you.  But after a few days, I've realized you're kinda like a great show that was cancelled midseason, and all I get are the same re-runs over and over again.  You bore me now, and every time I see you, I want to change the channel".
  4. Waffles And Omelettes "This morning when I woke up, I knew I was going to have to make a very difficult decision.  The restaurant has an omelet bar and a waffle bar, but you can only pick one.  I spent 5 minutes agonizing over the decision, which was way longer than it took for me to decide to kick your butt to the curb."
  5. "From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew that there was no way.  But you kinda looked like a nerd, so I thought you could help me configure my laptop to watch Hulu over the internet or get me free pay-per-view in the hotel.  But you couldn't even do that for me, could you?  Get out of my sight."Fix my computer?
  6. "Wow.  It's been a really tough day.  It's neat to see you.  How are you doing?  You're a really cool guy.  Ugh...this is so hard.  You keep smiling like an idiot and you aren't picking up on any of my hints.  I can't even make eye contact with you, yet you're still smiling.  Thanks for making this even easier.  I can't be with someone so clueless". 
  7. "Maybe if you weren't a gardener... oh, I'm sorry... Landscaper.  Look, I just have certain financial needs, and I don't see how you can provide for them.  But, if I could have your card, maybe my new boyfriend could hire you to cut our grass?"
  8. "You've made it to the last stage and earned the final rose.  However, after whoring it up for the past few weeks, I've grown accustomed to the lifestyle and I don't see myself being tied down to one guy.  I want to continue dating several guys at once, but I want to include you in my man-harem rotation."Why pick one?
What if Simon Cowell was the Bachelorette?

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August 04, 2010
I actually watched last season's The Bachelor, ahem, On the Wings of Love, and Ali was one of my favorites up until the point where she turned into a blubbering mess because she couldn't choose between vying for Jake's love, or her job as an account manager at Facebook, so I didn't catch this season.  Even though you gave it a low rating, you still manage to make it sound hilarious.  I just might hulu this... Thanks for the compilation!  By the way, you should totally share this on Reality Rehash ;)
August 04, 2010
You are a hot mess and a genius all in one. How is that even possible?
August 03, 2010
I've never seen this show, but the review and scenario are really funny. How CAN people be original on those trite and corny shows without being mean and nasty?
August 03, 2010
very funny Andrew. I also watched this show last night. But unlike you who spent that time to come up with something creative and funny... i just sat there... watched and screamed vulgarities at the screen because i was bored out of my mind. Oh.. the vulgarities may have had something to do with the fact i was only allowed to watch the dodger game during commercials, but still that was enough to fully absorb the beat down the padres gave to my dodgers.
August 03, 2010
I have a feeling my running commentary throughout the show would not have been appreciated by true fans of the Bachelorette. Although, I think my favorite part was when they made the guy dress up in a suit and then walk up 18 flights of stairs in the Tahiti humidity to the top of the hill where Ali was waiting. Gatorade would have been a perfect product placement.
August 03, 2010
so true... i was feeling for the guy... it looked like he was getting a little weak in knees at points. And i was actually surprised at how little he was sweating when he made it to the top. It's humid down there!
August 04, 2010
Drew you forgot to mention why you related so well to the guy sweating in the suit?
August 07, 2010
Would love to hear that story...
August 10, 2010
@babymama and I were married in Jamaica. We decided to combine the beautiful outdoor (humid) setting of Jamaica with the classic look of a full tuxedo for me. Fortunately, I had my best man on hand to wipe away the sweat pouring down my forehead during our vows.
August 11, 2010
that's a good best man. you mind forwarding me his info... i could use that type of experience next to me in a couple weeks.
About the reviewer
Andrew ()
Ranked #7
I'm a technology early adopter. I thoroughly enjoy geeking out with the latest hardware, software and electronics. I probably have as much fun setting up, tweaking, and configuring systems as I do actually … more
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About this tv show


Ali Fedotowsky, who walked away from bachelor Jake Pavelka, is the sixth bachelorette. The season premiered on May 24, 2010.  Ali, who let contestant Chris Lambton go the day before the Final Rose Ceremony, chose Roberto Martinez in the finale, and the couple remains together.
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Premiere Date: May 24, 2010
Genre: Dating Reality
Starring: Ali Fedotowsky

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