I'd say I have a pretty high tolerance for low culture, including trashy reality TV shows and celebrity nonsense. I vicariously live through the Real Housewives of Orange County. I read US Weekly pretty much every week — and would be the first to defend it. I would not hesitate to wear a hot pink Juicy Couture velour sweatsuit.

Then I saw Goop.com, a new lifestyle and advice website by Gwyneth Paltrow.

At first, I was excited. Though the site's navigation setup is a bit awkward, I really did want to hear about Gwynnie's tastes. The girl always rocks some amazing shoes, after all, and I really like her slightly edgy fashion sense.

I gave it a fair chance, and all I got were suggestions to go to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, buy magnetic wooden salad tongs, buy a Jamie Oliver cookbook, make myself a detox drink, and to read Anna Karenina. Please, I already read Vanity Fair, O Magazine, and Real Simple. Cue sound of deflating balloon: Pffffffft.
 
As has been proven before, lifestyle publications centered around a cult of personality can be done very well. I actually think O Magazine is one of the best magazines out there (somewhere in my cavernous Superego, my indie cred is cutting itself). The only way to make it work is to take the defining traits of the specific celeb personality and just go big with it!

Goop fails because it's not particularly cohesive to Gwynnie's personality: Her refined tastes, her quirky fashion sense, her incredible lifestyle of taking vacations on Valentino's yacht. Instead, Goop is more of a projection of what Gwynnie wants to be: an all-purpose lifestyle guru who can appeal to the masses. Why else would she, a well-known vegetarian, recommend the meat-heavy restaurant Momofuku as a dining destination? (To say nothing of the fact that she mixed up the different Momfuku restaurants, their reservation policies, and also the fact that Momofuku has already been covered in every media outlet there is). Please, leave the pork-knuckle reviews to lowly carnivores like me, and give us a glimpse of what Valentino's yacht looks like!

Secondly, it also fails because Gwynnie hasn't hired the right editorial talent to help her clarify her vision. Apparently, an editor works on Goop. But what kind of self-respecting editor in their right mind would approve of the tagline, "Nourish the inner aspect"? Ugh. Or allow a suggested reading list that includes the rehashed English 101 selections like Anna Karenina and Pride and Prejudice? Take ad man David Oglivy's advice: Let's assume that your reader is just as smart as you, with your Spence education. We'd prefer not to be talked down to.

So, in short, Gwynnie, you need to hire me. Please, allow me to help you clean up the wretched, tepid, blobby waste of binary coding that is Goop. You won't regret it.

While I await your answer: Now, back to my regularly scheduled Us Weekly...