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review of
Valentine's Day
by
BrnWriter
Feb 24, 2009
Valentines Day is about as fun as a case of VD.
Rating:
-4
For a whole 24 hours those in love, lust, denial, acceptance and forgiveness celebrated Valentine's Day. And there isn't a place you can go to escape it. Every place I turned I saw hearts, flowers and goofy-grinned couples.
Pairs were everywhere and in everything: A tow-truck pulling a car, men and women, men and men, women and women, candy and flowers, a construction worker hammering a nail (that may have been a three-some, but you get the point). Hell, even the bums in the neighborhood were in pairs.
Oh, how I do detest VD day, and yes I know that's redundant. This horrible man-made holiday that forces its love on people can only be compared to an unwanted venereal disease. Thanks Hallmark!
Apparently, I am the only one in a 25-mile radius that is alone and that's fine by me! But with all the added pressure of the day, I need a drink in a dive bar.
I ordered a foamy beer beside my turkey burger and fries and just as I begin to drink, the bar wench returns with another beer.
"I have one already," I let her know while taking a sip.
"Oh, I know," she said. "But I almost forgot. It's two for one all day. Enjoy!" she says wearing a big cheesy I-just-got-the-most-thoughtful-card-from-my-boyfriend grin.
Great, even at lunch I'm a fifth wheel.
As you may have guessed, I'm single. Actually, I'm sensationally single and damnit and I don't have to justify that to anyone.
Nor do I have to be made to feel inferior by those smug couples. You know the couples that, suddenly, are so much in love today.
SHE seems to have forgotten when he blew off meeting he mom because of something called, "Fantasy Football", while HE has forgotten the fact she calls him 37 times a day.
Together they seemed to forget how his ex still calls him, but he swears she's just a psycho-bitch ex- girlfriend (funny, how men coined any ex as a psycho-bitch), but since he brought a card at Walgreens, all is well.
And let's not forget the candy and something equally as lame as the crap you got from High School, like a stuffed teddy bear and a giant heart balloon and that somehow makes it acceptable, because its Valentines Day. Giant heart balloons, like Crocs, are never acceptable.
I remember when some friends and I gathered to make me feel better after the man I was dating felt the pressure of the five-month-old relationship and disappeared. Obviously with same cloak of invisibility my last boyfriend used.
He's such an asshole," Stacy said while looking at his picture on my cell phone.
"Lemme see this ass-wipe," Becky said while grabbing the cell phone. Totally unaware she just cancelled out Stacey's remark.
I point this out, the coalition looks at me and calls me all sorts of nerd, and dork and I believe I heard writer-geek.
"Let's just agree he's an ass," Stacey concludes.
"Kind of cute though," Becky quips.
The collective stare of single women burns holes in Becky.
"But, he's still a dick," she answers, blowing the whole asshole/asswipe thing again. This time I keep it to myself.
It's fine. He's off doing whatever asshole/asswipe/dicks do, when not in relationships. I of course have eaten 2 pints of ice cream (Buy one get one free special), joined Women's Boxing, cleaned out my closet and rearranged my bedroom incidentally finding a five-year-old gift certificate to a bookstore.
I'd go see if its still valid, but I may run into some cutesy couple at the store reading a book together.
"Are you ready to turn the page, sweetie?" he'll ask.
"Yes, dear," she'll reply.
"Can I turn it then, sweetie?" he'll continue.
"Yes, dear," she'll smile.
"Good, because I couldn't bear if you got a paper cut." he'll say with as much concern as to sound genuine and not like some guy that figures he should at least get a blowjob today.
And they'll smile.
I'll just stay indoors, because I'd have to kill said couple, get sent to prison and be paired up with my new cellmate, Big Bertha, who undoubtedly make me her bitch and I will have to smuggle in heart-shaped candies (Ouch) this time next year because she'll like Valentines Day, as she has been programmed to do.
Personally, I blame Disney and Hallmark.
"F you Disney and Hallmark!" I say aloud to no one in particular, which reminds me I need to stop talking to myself, because my cat obviously doesn't care.
I poured some Pinot, ate some Popcorn (and while the 'P's don't make it right, it makes me happy) and I settled in to watch some DVR'd episodes of CSI.
It's the one where the CSI gang finds the old lady three days dead in her kitchen being eaten by her cats. I shut off the TV.
It's official. I know when I'm beat. The universe is against me. Time to put an end to this day, I shake out two sleeping pills, "Oh, no I'm not gonna be a third wheel in my own bed." I think to myself, because the cat still couldn't care less, plus now I know he'll eat me if it comes down to it.
I put one pill back in the bottle to truly make it a pair: Just my sleeping pill and me. Because hey, pharmaceutical drugs are the only way to ward off VDs.
Pairs were everywhere and in everything: A tow-truck pulling a car, men and women, men and men, women and women, candy and flowers, a construction worker hammering a nail (that may have been a three-some, but you get the point). Hell, even the bums in the neighborhood were in pairs.
Oh, how I do detest VD day, and yes I know that's redundant. This horrible man-made holiday that forces its love on people can only be compared to an unwanted venereal disease. Thanks Hallmark!
Apparently, I am the only one in a 25-mile radius that is alone and that's fine by me! But with all the added pressure of the day, I need a drink in a dive bar.
I ordered a foamy beer beside my turkey burger and fries and just as I begin to drink, the bar wench returns with another beer.
"I have one already," I let her know while taking a sip.
"Oh, I know," she said. "But I almost forgot. It's two for one all day. Enjoy!" she says wearing a big cheesy I-just-got-the-most-thoughtful-card-from-my-boyfriend grin.
Great, even at lunch I'm a fifth wheel.
As you may have guessed, I'm single. Actually, I'm sensationally single and damnit and I don't have to justify that to anyone.
Nor do I have to be made to feel inferior by those smug couples. You know the couples that, suddenly, are so much in love today.
SHE seems to have forgotten when he blew off meeting he mom because of something called, "Fantasy Football", while HE has forgotten the fact she calls him 37 times a day.
Together they seemed to forget how his ex still calls him, but he swears she's just a psycho-bitch ex- girlfriend (funny, how men coined any ex as a psycho-bitch), but since he brought a card at Walgreens, all is well.
And let's not forget the candy and something equally as lame as the crap you got from High School, like a stuffed teddy bear and a giant heart balloon and that somehow makes it acceptable, because its Valentines Day. Giant heart balloons, like Crocs, are never acceptable.
I remember when some friends and I gathered to make me feel better after the man I was dating felt the pressure of the five-month-old relationship and disappeared. Obviously with same cloak of invisibility my last boyfriend used.
He's such an asshole," Stacy said while looking at his picture on my cell phone.
"Lemme see this ass-wipe," Becky said while grabbing the cell phone. Totally unaware she just cancelled out Stacey's remark.
I point this out, the coalition looks at me and calls me all sorts of nerd, and dork and I believe I heard writer-geek.
"Let's just agree he's an ass," Stacey concludes.
"Kind of cute though," Becky quips.
The collective stare of single women burns holes in Becky.
"But, he's still a dick," she answers, blowing the whole asshole/asswipe thing again. This time I keep it to myself.
It's fine. He's off doing whatever asshole/asswipe/dicks do, when not in relationships. I of course have eaten 2 pints of ice cream (Buy one get one free special), joined Women's Boxing, cleaned out my closet and rearranged my bedroom incidentally finding a five-year-old gift certificate to a bookstore.
I'd go see if its still valid, but I may run into some cutesy couple at the store reading a book together.
"Are you ready to turn the page, sweetie?" he'll ask.
"Yes, dear," she'll reply.
"Can I turn it then, sweetie?" he'll continue.
"Yes, dear," she'll smile.
"Good, because I couldn't bear if you got a paper cut." he'll say with as much concern as to sound genuine and not like some guy that figures he should at least get a blowjob today.
And they'll smile.
I'll just stay indoors, because I'd have to kill said couple, get sent to prison and be paired up with my new cellmate, Big Bertha, who undoubtedly make me her bitch and I will have to smuggle in heart-shaped candies (Ouch) this time next year because she'll like Valentines Day, as she has been programmed to do.
Personally, I blame Disney and Hallmark.
"F you Disney and Hallmark!" I say aloud to no one in particular, which reminds me I need to stop talking to myself, because my cat obviously doesn't care.
I poured some Pinot, ate some Popcorn (and while the 'P's don't make it right, it makes me happy) and I settled in to watch some DVR'd episodes of CSI.
It's the one where the CSI gang finds the old lady three days dead in her kitchen being eaten by her cats. I shut off the TV.
It's official. I know when I'm beat. The universe is against me. Time to put an end to this day, I shake out two sleeping pills, "Oh, no I'm not gonna be a third wheel in my own bed." I think to myself, because the cat still couldn't care less, plus now I know he'll eat me if it comes down to it.
I put one pill back in the bottle to truly make it a pair: Just my sleeping pill and me. Because hey, pharmaceutical drugs are the only way to ward off VDs.
Well, it's been almost a year since you wrote this. I hope you're a bit better about this day and will give it a couple of plus stars. :) A bitter review.
On January 17, 2010
Reply
@QUEENBFLIX: I'm sure my animal would devour me as he likes to take nips at me as I pass. lil' bastard. @DonnaL1: Thanks for the comment. VD just blows.
On April 23, 2009
Reply
Loved this review of VD. I actually feel the same way and I'm married. VD is much ado about nothing, but it's difficult to escape these holidays when you lead a conventional life. I try not to most of the time, starting my own traditions much of the time. VD definitely gets in the way and I don't want anyone telling me when to celebrate love, lust or anything else. From the response to your review, looks like a lot of other folks feel the same way. Good job!
On April 23, 2009
Reply
Very funny, but perhaps you are under estimating your cat. I know that mine would never eat me if I died and push came to shove--he's much too picky about what he eats and would rather starve to death just to prove his point.
On April 23, 2009
Reply
Thanks for taking the time for the read and for the flattering comments! Yall rock!
On April 16, 2009
Reply
LOL the best read ive had on lunch so far. Very entertaining. I knew love day was bad for some people but this really puts it into perspective from a womans POV.
On April 16, 2009
Reply
LOL- this was an awesome read and reminded me of my V-day motto this year which was "screw you". Great job!
On March 13, 2009
Reply
You know, honestly, I can't really stand Valentine's Day, either. Hallmark and Disney have played a huge part in commercializing this holiday, along with many others, but I also hold the American public accountable as well. What will it take for people to realize they're hemorrhaging money on the most frivolous of expenses?
On February 24, 2009
Reply
1
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Facts
95% Complete:
Valentine's Day or Saint Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14 by many people throughout the world. In the English-speaking countries, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The holiday is named after two among the numerous Early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.
The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines". Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards. The sending of Valentines was a fashion in nineteenth-century Great Britain, and, in 1847, Esther Howland developed a successful business in her Worcester, Massachusetts home with hand-made Valentine cards based on British models. The popularity of Valentine cards in 19th century America, where many Valentine cards are now general greeting cards rather than declarations of love, was a harbinger of the future commercialization of holidays in the United States. It's considered one of the Hallmark holidays.
The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, ...
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