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Amy Winehouse

An English singer-songwriter.

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Paint a Vulgar Picture

  • Jul 30, 2011
  • by
Rating:
-3
Sixty-odd hours ago, I posted a brusque and entirely accurate capsule rant (see above, or below, or peradventure this page's sidebar) pertaining to one Amy Winehouse, addled crooner of a mercifully short lifespan. During a week in which most of the Anglosphere was crying, bitching and moaning, and perhaps renting their clothes (as Job or Lot or Ezekiel or Jehoshaphat or whoever did in The Bible) in response to the timely death of this moderately gifted inveterate addict, I decided to Take It to the Limit (as Tony Montana did in Scarface) and Take a Ride in Through the Danger Zone (as Maverick did in Top Gun) to provide the world with an opposing perspective in the heroic idiom of pure fiction. Admittedly, I was typing on my keyboard instead of exploding Soviet pilots, murdering police officers who've conspired against me with opposing drug lords or murdering women and children at Yahweh's behest (or possibly raping children and women, or perhaps murdering both and raping no one; I've not read The Bible for years), but what matters is that I was and am a certifiable hero of that mold.

However, I'm a flawed hero. In fact, I've something in common with Amy Winehouse. No, joke recyclers, it's not that neither of us are pretty girls. Just look at me - I'm adorable! Amy Winehouse and I have both made mistakes. Obviously, her mistake was to burden everyone with aggravating shenanigans before shooting up a fatal admixture of whiskey, heroin and crushed acetaminophen tablets, but that's not important. Rather, that won't be important until a conclusive toxicology report pertaining to Winehouse's cadaver is publicly released, at which time I may revise that prior sentence for greater accuracy or, in the style of Rocky (in Rocky), augment it in a manner that clearly indicates how I'm Gonna Fly Now, then. I haven't decided what course of action I'll take, but rest assured that it'll be momentous and define the paradigm of our generation. In fact, after reading it, you'll agree that I'm The Best Around, precisely like C. Thomas Howell and his mentor, Mako.

Whilst evaluating Amy Winehouse, I never thought to utilize comparative analysis. What an oversight! To compensate for this inexcusable omission, here's an alphabetical listing of famous and dead musicians, sedulously assessed with pulse-pounding rankings and thrilling summary appraisals:

Aaliyah
Age at death: 22
Cause of death: Plane crash
Talent: 3/10
Sexiness: 4/10
Timing: 9/10
Death in an overloaded Cessna can stretch a mediocre pop singer's fame approximately a decade further than she might have.

GG Allin
Age at death: 36
Cause of death: Heroin overdose
Talent: 1/10
Sexiness: 1/10
Timing: 10/10
There went The Last Great Punk: a violent, libertine, feces-flinging degenerate lowlife who lived harder than concrete and died in public, surrounded by fans at the modest peak of his cult career. If you didn't attend one of his shows while he was alive or molest his corpse during his party funeral, you really missed some fun.

Marc Bolan
Age at death: 29
Cause of death: Car crash
Talent: 6/10
Sexiness: 2/10
Timing: 8/10
Living quick and dying faster, this glam pioneer was snuffed in a car crash, his fear of which prevented him from learning how to drive. If this is a cautionary incident, I don't know if its moral suggests to prevent one's incompetent significant other from driving, to avoid cars entirely, to always sit in the back seat or to buckle up. Maybe all of these lessons should be observed.

John Bonham
Age at death: 32
Cause of death: Vomit asphyxiation
Talent: 10/10
Sexiness: 2/10
Timing: 10/10
Perhaps nothing epitomizes a rock lifestyle as choking to death on one's own vomit whilst sleeping after quaffing forty shots of vodka in a day, immediately after one's band has passed beyond the pinnacle of their success. Well done.

Harry Chapin
Age at death: 38
Cause of death: Heart attack/car crash
Talent: 7/10
Sexiness: 2/10
Timing: 9/10
Anyone can intuit that Harry Chapin was a demonstrable wuss, but he actually died of a broken heart, for Christ's sake. That typed, he did it whilst hot on the charts, and record execs can't buy such profitable tragedy outside of Latin America.

Ian Curtis
Age at death: 23
Cause of death: Suicide by hanging
Talent: 4/10
Sexiness: 3/10
Timing: 8/10
"Why the high ranking?" ask Joy Division fans, noting that Curtis offed himself but a night before JD initiated their first U.S. tour. Well, he's a legend in spite of his dubious vocal talent. He'll never embarrass himself as his now-domesticated post-punk contemporaries - Mark E. Smith, Howard Devoto, Robert Smith, etc. - did following their respective career peaks. That typed, he did it after viewing Herzog's Stroszek, which ought be deemed as embarrassing as split pants by glare of spotlight.

John Denver
Age at death: 53
Cause of death: Plane crash
Talent: 6/10
Sexiness: 1/10
Timing: 1/10
As he's the easiest target of this list, I refuse to make fun of John Denver, but if he'd crashed his plane into one of the Rocky Mountains and somehow preserved a recording of himself singing Rocky Mountain High while doing so, that would be nearly as awesome as Wendy O. Williams shooting herself onstage (see below). Poor guy.

Eazy-E
Age at death: 31
Cause of death: GRIDS
Talent: 2/10
Sexiness: 1/10
Timing: 8/10
Ah, better to die horribly while still notable than disappear under Suge Knight's watchful eye. If anything, I don't know how Kid Frost lived as long as he did. Armed insurgents in central Asia enjoy more generous odds of survival past thirty.

Marvin Gaye
Age at death: 44
Cause of death: Gunshot
Talent: 8/10
Sexiness: 10/10
Timing: 9/10
If the afterlife hosts support groups, Marvin Gaye - shot to death by his father while asleep in retaliation for the defense of his mother - would draw the pitied attention of children who were raped and strangled by parents. Despite his failings, this man possessed more heart, soul and guts than perhaps anyone else on this list.

Jimi Hendrix
Age at death: 27
Cause of death: Vomit asphyxiation
Talent: 9/10
Sexiness: 5/10
Timing: 10/10
Never mind his distinguished guitar prowess; Hendrix choked on spew years before anyone else of his profession thought to, an age before death by vomit was a sufficiently common occurrence for parody by Spinal Tap.

Jobriath
Age at death: 36
Cause of death: GRIDS
Talent: 0/10
Sexiness: -3/10
Timing: 0/10
Despite the massive hype that he squandered on asinine songs and an extravagantly stupid stage show, Jobriath died so alone and forgotten that nearly no one knew who he was until Morrissey unearthed and reanimated his meretricious legacy over twenty years later. This is one of those few contemporary deaths for which God is directly responsible. I refuse to sit here and believe that The Almighty didn't watch Jobriath make an ass of himself for decades before wearily standing, stretching, muttering, "Okay, this talentless fruit is asking for it," and pointing directly at his disastrous creation.

Brian Jones
Age at death: 27
Cause of death: Drowning and/or overdose
Talent: 5/10
Sexiness: 2/10
Timing: 5/10
Jones was essentially Syd Barrett with less talent and no pulse. I'm sorry, that's horrid; Jones was Syd Barrett with less talent, more sanity, and he died young. Okay?

Janis Joplin
Age at death: 27
Cause of death: Heroin overdose
Talent: 2/10
Sexiness: -4/10
Timing: 10/10
Naked mole rats tell jokes about how ugly Janis Joplin was, and what she called singing sounds suspiciously identical to one of my drunken aunts during Christmas, when she's so blotted that her toilet and kitchen floor appear identical to her. In fact, I may need to contact my lawyer to determine if Sony Music owes her back royalties. Nonetheless, Joplin's terminal horse injection sped her to morbid immortality less than a month after Jimi Hendrix (see above) puke-choked himself into a casket. Anyone whose death is timed so that they can secure future airplay of their irritant shreiking for decades deserves some kind of award, but I'll be delivering one of those later.

Héctor Lavoe
Age at death: 46
Cause of death: GRIDS
Talent: 7/10
Sexiness: 4/10
Timing: 1/10
A great lovable bear who emerged in the late '60s as one of the world's best salsa singers, and never really shook his addictions, Lavoe might have staged a lucrative comeback if he hadn't succumbed to the world's worst incurable disease. Perchance my brown pride's been triggered, but no - I haven't any snide commentary for this entry. Sorry.

Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes
Age at death: 30
Cause of death: Car crash
Talent: 2/10
Sexiness: 0/10
Timing: 6/10
Lifelong pet owners are familiar with those half-domesticated curiosities who never saw a busy road that wasn't worth crossing. Those inevitable deaths are always worth mourning, but when this human train wreck made a mess of traffic because she couldn't competently pass a truck, both her autopsy photos and the predictable outrage concerning said photos induced me to roll my eyes so far back that I fell asleep. Upon waking, I remembered with some sorrow that I'd left a bottle of salad dressing open on my kitchen table.

Jim Morrison
Age at death: 27
Cause of death: Heroin or cocaine overdose
Talent: 6/10
Sexiness: 8/10 (thin), 2/10 (fat)
Timing: 7/10
This last of the sixties pop music death trifecta took the plunge at just the right moment: the tide of The Doors' fame (and consequently, his consumption) was as low as it was ever going to be while he was alive, but death at that magic age of twenty-seven ensured solid album and T-shirt sales for decades to come.

Seth Putnam
Age at death: 43
Cause of death: Probable heart attack
Talent: 2/10
Sexiness: 0/10
Timing: 3/10
Essentially a rancid flesh bag packed with rape jokes, Putnam established AC as one of a handful of genuine punk bands in the wake of the Murder Junkies: unlistenable, obnoxious, beyond offensive and frequently very, very funny. With no especial interest in living and never achieving any great fame outside grindcore circles, Putnam could have died at twenty or seventy - either way, neither he, his former band mates nor even his fans could be bothered to care.

Randy Rhoads
Age at death: 25
Cause of death: Plane crash
Talent: 8/10
Sexiness: 4/10
Timing: 1/10
Scarcely a week passes when I don't wish that Yngwie Malmsteen and his neo-classical peers (an affront to erudite and rock enthusiasts of good taste) were obliterated from the face of the planet, but this fret-twiddler was enormously gifted, and on the verge of superstardom when he went. Also, his arrangements bore no resemblance to the denouement of Spinal Tap's Heavy Duty.

Bon Scott
Age at death: 33
Cause of death: Vomit aspiration
Talent: 6/10
Sexiness: 4/10  
Timing: -50/10
Don't misinterpret that last ranking; Bon Scott was Australia's badass answer to Jim Morrison and (by fault of the decommissioned penal colony of his birth), one of the most underrated rock stars of the '70s. In the grand tradition of rawk, Scott drank himself comatose and chundered to pulmonary aspiration as a result of alcohol poisoning...months before AC/DC ascended to an iconic status and released Back in Black, the second best-selling album in history. In comparison, Pete Best looks like the newly-enfranchised Eddie Murphy to Scott's impoverished Dan Akroyd, except that to my knowledge, Scott's handlers never referred to him with racial slurs when they thought he wasn't listening.

Ritchie Valens
Age at death: 17
Cause of death: Plane crash
Talent: 6/10
Sexiness: 8/10
Timing: -1/10
He's one of but two Latinos on this list because frankly, most of us don't die from this - at least, not beyond the wily world of sports. Valens had at least a decade of hits in him when he went, accompanied by Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper - as if I could give a crap about those two dorks.

Wendy O. Williams
Age at death: 48
Cause of death: Suicide by gunshot
Talent: 3/10
Sexiness: 6/10
Timing: -5/10
Not only did one of the most unpredictable lunatics to ever terrorize audences auto-murder a decade after the Plasmatics disbanded, but she didn't do it onstage. Here's advice that may someday enliven a performance: an onstage suicide is the best thing that never happened to a reunion tour.

Here, I've appraised quality germane to high-profile death as though the deaths of these stars were video games. For those who argue that this trivializes the subject at hand, I must rejoin you: where above did I once mention scoring, gameplay, graphics, crates or framerates? Not once, so we can all agree that I take this subject as seriously as anyone else. Also, John Bonham won the high score from these selections - an outcome that nary a single bloated, nasal, slovenly gaming dork could have divined. Anyhow, here's Amy Winehouse's entry:

Amy Winehouse
Age at death: 27
Cause of death: Aforementioned probable heroin/whiskey/acetominophen/bovine tranquilizer overdose
Talent: 6/10
Sexiness: -∞
Timing: 2/10

Compared to most of her fellow deceased, Winehouse's death is but another glaring non-event hyped by corporate media outlets desperate to squeeze revenue from the demise of an overripe talent for their parent companies. In 1975, the death of a pop star who hadn't a hit for four years would only receive more notice than an obituary blurb in Creem or Rolling Stone, and even then in a spirit of obligation, wedged betwixt advertisements for budget amps and Mercury LP releases. Now, I understand that contemporary popular music suffers from a crushing paucity of substance, but celebrity worshippers and music journalists alike are best advised to marshal whatever little self-respect and cultural perspective they might have and casually shrug it off as they might a new Paul McCartney album. In pre-emptive response to anyone who's sufficiently deluded to cite Winehouse's artistic relevance in lieu of recent success, I've some news for you: I needed Mark Ronson to capably regurgitate a half-century of Motown stylism nearly as much as a theatrical screening of a Roland Emmerich picture. Winehouse's fans are of the same ilk who lose their minds over Mars Volta because they've not heard a single Pink Floyd album from beginning to end, or Radiohead through ears never graced by Canterbury, so-called Krautrock or Jazz - born just yesterday, they. Yet we've always ample justification for technically able and marginally innovative (albeit overestimated) acts like these, who freely admit to their influences.

When Winehouse's career was incandescent in 2006, her Rehab assaulted me whilst highway driving. As a veteran babysitter, that annoying petulance I'd encountered in innumerable jobs was immediately apparent as she squawked, "They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no,'" to which I countered, "Then DON'T, you filthy slattern!" and swatted at my radio. Immediately, three consequent occurrences resulted, nigh-simultaneous: first, I accidentally raised the volume and changed the station of the radio, filling my car with a godforsaken Toby Keith song; second, a glint of sunlight reflected from the corner of a billboard, clearly indicating that God was smiling down on me with a knowing wink and grin; third, I practically stood upright on my brake pedal to narrowly avoid a fender-bender with the stopped auto before me at a red light. As usual, Toby Keith sent me into a racist frenzy and quite a lot else transpired, but the point of this story is that the groins of everyone who thought they heard something groundbreaking when this bony villain rhymed "No, no, no" with "Go, go, go" have a date with Destiny, the new moniker I've denominated my shoes. Two years prior, not even Morrissey infuriated me enough to name my shoes when he cried at me because nobody understands how he feels.

Like its filmic equivalent, the music industry enjoyed its best years dominated by tough European Jewry who understood art, entertainment and both the convergence and lines drawn between the two. Now these conglomerated and homogenized markets are run by punks who've proven themselves incompetent for any other position in corporate strata. Just as miscasting by nepotism and sheer stupidity runs rampant in Hollywood, so are all the worst people selected as pop music stars, and that's how Winehouse was printed on the covers of singles and albums. Her talent isn't in question; possessing one of the most impressive contralto voices in recent memory, she actually deserved better songs than those she incoherently co-scribbled, and prominence on other people's albums. God knows I don't want to look at Amy Winehouse and hear her own songs - listening to them evinces a colossal waste of a fine singer and competent studio musicians. To those who suggest otherwise, riddle me this: did you actually buy any of her releases when she was sort of alive, or this week?

Earlier in this review, I alluded to an award for Most or Least Notable Death, or maybe Most Spectacular Vomit Choking, but I've since discarded the notion, if only because Amy Winehhouse doesn't qualify for any of them. Did you know that Falco died in 1998, and now that you know, do you care? Of course you don't, and responses stating otherwise won't be regarded. Well, if I did present a Least Notable Musician Death Award to somebody, it would definitely go to Falco, or maybe Wesley Willis. No, Falco. The End.

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July 30, 2011
OUAOU! :D Well, some Jews just don't know how to be humans, heehee! ^-^ They just barf and never wash themselvesies, heehee! ^-^ It is sillyyyieieiesie! :D I love the negative infinitysie, heehee! :D I like Falco! :D Heehee, I like that Amadeus songie ^-^ It's colourfulsie, heehee! ^-^
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ^-^

^-^

♥ Annusya ♥
July 30, 2011
Whenever I feel secure that I've stacked the deck too high for you to top it, you blithely toss a card clear over. Impressive.
Liking Falco doesn't equate to caring about Falco. You were whooping it up in Paris or Vienna or Belgrade when he breathed his last. Ha, ha - real funny, Annusya.

All that aside, you DO brush you teeth as savages do, and your ancestors were even more barbaric than mine.

*smooches all over*
July 30, 2011
HAHAHhaha ahahahaha heehee! ^-^ I love brushing my teethies like a savage because I am a savage girlsie, HEEHEE! :D MUU! ^-^ I Love You! ^-^ Actuallysie, I *just* brushed my teethies just nowsies! ^-^ I used Anise Eco - Dent toothie powdersie, heehee! ^-^ It is so nice and makes a poufy foamsie! ^-^ Muu! ^-^

*more smuuuchies all over youuu* ^-^

♥ Annusya ♥
 
1
More Amy Winehouse reviews
Quick Tip by . April 09, 2012
She will be truly missed.. may she finally have peace now.
Quick Tip by . July 29, 2011
Here's another embodiment of ugliness who did the planet a favor by inadvertently offing herself before she could bear diseased offspring. Yet she was a rarity, blessed with some notable vocal talent squandered on derivative, absurdly overrated music and trite addictions. In an ideal world, Winehouse would have been relegated to the position of a studio vocalist and minded by a caretaker - those who've so little presence or coherence don't belong on a stage. Expect her hooker pumps to be soon filled …
Quick Tip by . July 25, 2011
I lowered my rating of her from 4 to 2 because of her letting her addiction overcome her incredible talent. Back to Black was one of the best CDs I have heard in a long time with her soulful renditions reminicent of Shirley Bassey! Too bad that we lost such a talent before she could reach her full music potential!
Quick Tip by . July 23, 2011
Just learned that the 27 year old singer was found dead in London. Just another example of a talented individual who evidently lived a very messed up life. I don't think too many people will be shocked by this.
Quick Tip by . July 24, 2011
posted in Music Matters
A low down dirty shame, really. It's bad when I type Amy Winehouse into the search bar and the banner ad that pops up is for drug recovery. She had a great voice and a very distinctive style of music, which really don't deserve to be shafted in favor of their overshadowing with the tabloid fodder aspects of her personal life.
Quick Tip by . June 28, 2010
A total wacko (unfortunately) that has an amazing voice!
Quick Tip by . June 20, 2010
Hi Amy my new friend,you are beautiful,love your new friend,Matthew :)
Quick Tip by . June 17, 2010
she looks ugly and is ugly
Quick Tip by . December 23, 2009
When I first Amy Winehouse, I couldn't keep my jaw from hanging open. I mean - this woman transcends Sarah Vaughn, and yet is so distinct.
review by . March 04, 2009
Unlike other British tabloid darlings like Katie Price and Victoria Beckham, Amy Winehouse first gained the attention of the press because she has immense talent. Of course, our current image of Winehouse is the emaciated addict with a questionable grasp on dental hygiene.     I implore anyone who hasn't listened to her to buy her albums "Frank" and "Back to Black." If it helps, try to look at old pictures of her while they are playing. I think there are still a few floating …
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Robert Buchanan ()
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I'm a bibliophile, ailurophile, inveterate aggregator, dedicated middlebrow and anastrophizing syntax addict. My personality type is that of superlative INTJ.
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Wiki

Amy Jade Winehouse (born 14 September 1983) is an English singer and songwriter, known for her eclectic mix of various musical genres including R&B, soul, jazz, rock & roll, and ska. Winehouse is best known for her soulful, powerful contralto vocals.

Winehouse's 2003 debut album Frank was commercially and critically successful in her native Britain. It was nominated for the Mercury Prize. Her 2006 follow-up album Back to Black led to six Grammy Award nominations and five wins, tying the record for the most wins by a female artist in a single night, and made Winehouse the first British singer to win five Grammys, including three of the "Big Four": Best New Artist, Record of the Year and Song of the Year. On 14 February 2007, she won a BRIT Award for Best British Female Artist; she had also been nominated for Best British Album. She has won the Ivor Novello Award three times, one in 2004 for Best Contemporary Song (musically and lyrically) for "Stronger Than Me", one in 2007 for Best Contemporary Song for "Rehab", and one in 2008 for Best Song Musically and Lyrically for "Love Is a Losing Game", among other prestigious distinctions.

Winehouse has been credited as being an influence in the rise in popularity of female musicians and soul music.

Winehouse has received media attention apart from her singing. Her distinctive style has been the muse for fashion designers such as Karl Lagerfeld. The singer's problems with drug and ...

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Details

Nationality: British
Birth Date: September 14, 1983
Birth Place: London, England
Gender: Female

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