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Lunch » Tags » Books » Reviews » The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate » User review

Where's The Needle On *Your* Love Tank?

  • Oct 7, 2003
Rating:
+5
How's your relationship with your mate? Your children? Your parents? Your siblings? It may be a matter of the state of the "love tank".

Author Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate believes everyone has a love tank, and that tank is filled by different love languages. These five languages are Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality of Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Often, we tend to give love in the languages we are most fluent in, which usually ends up being the languages that fill up our love tank. This would be why a husband who does yard work, dishes, car maintenance, etc. (Acts of Service) is floored when his wife says "You never show me you love me. You never cuddle with me, or caress my hair, or make the first move for sex." (Physical Touch). Or, "Why don't you spend time with me? Why do you work so much?" (Quality Time). And, "Why don't you buy me flowers? Why don't you ever get me cards or balloons...just because?" (Gifts) Or "You never tell me what I mean to you. Why don't you ever share with me what I mean to you, or what my good qualities are?" (Words of Affirmation) But, if her language is primarily Acts of Service, she'll feel so loved and honored because her husband does so many things for her, and thus feels "full" in her love tank.

This may not sound like a big deal, but considering the divorce rate is 50% (as one relationship instance), and so many seem to be unhappy with their primary relationships, the concept of love languages may very well be a signficant factor in understanding self and others, and in relationship growth. Perhaps relationships get rocky or arrive at an impasse because individuals are speaking a different love language than what fills up the "love tank" of the object of their affection...and a result, the recipient doesn't feel loved. It's not that they feel empty and unfufilled because love isn't being given, but because the language "spoken" is not something that registers to the recipient as a form of love.

Chapman further theorizes that we usually have 2 main love languages that fill up our tank. He also says that if a person has a hard time identifying their main love languages, they've either been on empty for so long and are out of touch with their needs, or they have been so filled up by their spouse, that all 5 languages tend to speak to them equally.

A story in the book that illustrates the love tank theory is the "burnt toast syndrome". A woman was sick in bed. Her husband would always bring her burnt toast to her when she was ailing. She was so hurt and offended by this repeated insensitivity and ignorance, that she finally burst into tears one day, and asked him why he did that...and didn't he care? She was floored to hear him say "I'm sorry honey. I had no idea. Burnt toast is my favorite, and I gave you what I would consider my favorite breakfast...burnt toast."

Chapman writes: "When your spouse's emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, the whole world looks right and your spouse will move out to reach his highest potential in life. But when the love tank is empty and he feels used but not loved, the whole world looks dark and he will likely never reach his potential for good in the world."

I recommend this book highly. It could very well be a relationship saver!

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More The Five Love Languages: How t... reviews
review by . September 08, 2009
posted in Inspirations
It's All About Love & a new language to speak it
This is one book which I read only as recently as 2 years ago. This is one of the most recent in a series of self help books I've read over the last 2 decades. As with John Gray's famous book on Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus, Gary Chapman in his Five Love Languages highlights the differences in the way to connect either between the sexes, or between individuals. Gray places emphasis on differences between women and men while Chapman emphasizes on the differences between individuals …
review by . June 10, 2010
I found myself amazed as I read this book.   The author so perfectly captured the feelings, thoughts, and emotions I had - the ones I thought nobody else felt or would understand.      Gary Chapman lists the 5 common ways in which human beings I)receive and II)give love from and to one another. The 5 ways are,      1. Physical Touch (don't think sex - think hugs, back-rubs, holding hands, touching arm/shoulder)   2. Quality Time (Movies, …
Quick Tip by . December 21, 2011
Love this book. No wonder it's so highly recommended! I've never thought about this aspect of relationships before, but Gary Chapman divvies up and explains everything so well. Very highly recommended for anyone looking to get and give more out of any type of relationship.
review by . July 12, 2010
I have read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" four times now, and each time is enlightening about the way couples relate to each other. Such a good reminder of why I am married and how to be better at it.      I had never thought about love languages - how we show and receive love - before reading this, let alone considered that we all may have different languages. When it's broken down like that, the task of communicating in a marriage (one of my many …
review by . June 25, 2010
I recommend this book to all couples. It is amazing how the author can get it so right on.  As I read the book I felt like the author was inside my relationship because there is no way he could know these things.         I recommend this book especially to new couples that are still learning about each other. If you can figue out your love language and your partner's you will have a great asset in your relationship.     Author states there …
review by . July 16, 2010
The Five Love Languages can really revolutionize your relationship.  Most of us love our spouses the way we prefer love to be demonstrated toward us.  If we especially enjoy affection, we give affection.  However we may have failed to understand that our spouse may have a completely different need.  Affection may be fine but his greatest love language may be quality time spent together.  If you give him tons of affection but fail to spend time with him, you are not meeting …
review by . August 10, 2010
five love languages great book
The five Love languages takes an exploratory look into the world of love. It is very inspiring, informative, and practical. As you get deeper and deeper into the book a new world is opened up. This is a book for everyone especially those in relationships or find it hard understanding and expressing love. It is even for those looking for love because it helps you to understand what exactly you are looking for and need in a mate.  The use of five basic principles are clearly explored and expounded …
Quick Tip by . July 15, 2010
Praises, Gifts, Service, Investing of Time and Touch. For those who don`t know how to do a maintenance in a relationship. Affection is a way to heal people. I love this book.
Quick Tip by . July 24, 2010
This will not only help in marriage, but it will help you to better relate to your children.
Quick Tip by . July 08, 2010
Awesome book. My husband and I read it and took a lot from it. It really helped us learn how to communicate with each other in more effective and productive way.
About the reviewer
Janet Boyer ()
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Author of The Back in Time Tarot BookandTarot in Reverse. Co-creator of theSnowlandDeck. Amazon.com Hall ofFame/ VineReviewer; Freelance Writer/Reviewer; Blogger; Professional Tarot Reader/Teacher; Lover … more
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The Five Love Languages is a book by relationship counselor Gary Chapman that helps people speak and understand emotional love when it is expressed through one of five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Chapman argues that while each of these languages is enjoyed to some degree by all people, a person will usually speak one primary language, but all are important and can be ranked after taking the love language profile that is included in the book for both husbands and wives. He has also authored the Five Love Language concept for parents of children and teenagers, single adults, and a special version for men. He has co-authored The Five Languages of Apology with Dr. Jennifer Thomas, that helps people understand how to give and receive an apology.

The first of many books promoting the above concept was The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, first published in 1992. The book has sold nearly 5 million copies in English; having been translated into 38 other languages — and the 1996 edition consistently ranks in the top 100 sellers on Amazon.com, ranking in the top 50 as of February, 2007. The book is in the top 15 books on the New York Times Bestsellers List.
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Details

Author: Gary Chapman
Genre: Advice, How-To
Publisher: Northfield Publishing
Date Published: May 1, 2004

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