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Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keep The Kids At Bay

  • Dec 24, 2009
  • by

I had met this Christy character awhile back after getting some feedback on a review I had initially wrote for another website. Naturally, the feedback was tasteful & even made my heart glow so I sent my dear reader a thank you email. We corresponded for a hot minute via email & then the communication would take a brief hiatus. As fate would have it, there would be much to talk about later & plenty more to learn for both parties here.

Christy joined our fine Lunch crew of wholesome readers & writers sometime back in the summer if I recall. I think I vaguely remember seeing that funny button on censorship as the default photo around that time. Although a truer statement has probably never been told, we were all clueless as to who this tasteless creature was who came to invade our minds & speak so heavily of cinema which is only made for intended audience shocks. Of course, this horse-pucky or rubbish is made all the more digestible simply because Christy employs goofy pictures which have little to do (if anything) with the topic he/she is reviewing. Trust me when I say the term "gullible" isn't listed in any dictionary that I'm aware of.

To this day, does anyone know the sex of our Lunch reviewer? Maybe but I'm not telling. It wouldn't help you much even if I did.You still wouldn't understand the enigma of Christy & probability suggests most of us never will as we live in a very sheltered world dominated by Furbies, Hollywood films, & American Idol which does nothing to increase our understanding or acceptance of true American culture. According to Christy, you can live the American dream by having a loving & accepting spouse but you don't have to conform to the wishes of others around you necessarily. Forget all about that inane mantra which suggests that to say what you feel is to dig your own grave.    

So what makes Christy one of the most important or viable sources we have to date online? Oh, I think that's a fairly easy question to tackle here although it's a rather self-evident one. Christy speaks his/her mind on virtually any given topic & gleefully gives us a well-written if not overly opinionated perspective on virtually every review we have the pleasure of reading. Never mind how disturbing the piece of literature or film is that Christy is reviewing. We're not going to talk about that. WE aren't going to discuss any of that here today. Controversial reviews can make or break any journalist out there & Heaven knows dear Christy has no intention of stirring up any of that old faithful controversy here. No sir. No way Jose.

What does Christy do for a living? Dear Americans, Christy is the most patriotic American we have sitting on this website that I can think of. Christy advises that there is actually a company out there which pays top dollar for the cleaning of used condoms. That's right! Those condoms that you & I once disposed of  are now more than just "burnt rubbers" so to speak. They can be recycled & people will actually buy them. (I sometimes have to wonder whose condom I'm using these days.) Ha!  At any rate, Christy cleans these condoms with nothing more than that powerful tool we commonly refer to as a tongue. Yes, man has yet to invent a machine more efficient than the human tongue & Christy has proven to us once again that the mouth maybe one of the most underrated pieces of equipment that any human has the lawful right to possess.

After making all that money, Christy indulges in some of the finer things in life like the Burger King tender grill salad which literally costs an arm & a leg but Christy swears it is worth every single cent. When not eating this nutritious fast food dish, Christy & family can be found eating Kung Pao Kitty at the local Asian buffet although driving home can be a real bitch as the bowels are now working overtime. Hmm, gotta feel sorry for those poor kittens. Shame on you, Christy! These animals need their fur & meat more than you do! After hearing these harrowing tales of the Chinese buffet, I'm seriously considering the more healthy alternatives which may lean towards becoming a vegetarian at some point in my life & I'll have to thank Christy for this naturally.      
Oh, but there is more to do with all that hard earned money made from cleaning condoms! Just you wait & see. Christy invests this money into what many could call a fairly extensive library of hardcore bull crap. Ha ha! Only kidding. Christy does have some great taste in film & impeccable tastes in the arts when we speak of selecting the right genres to navigate on DVD. Well, only Christy just doesn't know how to pick the right movies as one can tell from the hundred or so ludicrous reviews written here. I, myself, confide that Christy's taste in film is improving tremendously with my dedication or assistance on this matter of course. With ample time, Christy will be at least as cool as a cenobite.

I wish I could produce some more tasty tidbits here but I'm afraid I've tapped into most of my reliable sources lately. Some have said that Christy is one of the filthiest reviewers ever to grace the Internet & these literally incompetent reviews have been rendered somewhat disturbing. Fortunately, I can vouch for Christy & you all must stand corrected. There is certainly nothing disturbing nor remotely fascinating about reviews where the reviewer makes the uncommon mistake of constantly talking out of their ass. Sorry, Christy. We just aren't that afraid of you & you're not that big nor scary. Again, I regret to be the one who has to inform you of this.  Thus, Christy being the most filthy reviewer alive is an untrue statement if I've ever heard of one. We'll see. We'll just see about that.

Christy is an excellent chef & I'm sure he/she would rather take this recipe to their grave rather than share it with Lunchers but Christy can bake the hell outta some brownies. I'm going to keep my word here & not give anything away as far the recipe goes but you might want to plan on taking the day off if you wish to make these magical treats as it will require much laziness & very little attention to detail. When you get the right consistency, you're going to need just lay back for awhile &  let those suckers stew for a hot minute. If you let them get good & crusty, they will make the best brownies you have ever tried. According to Christy, the recipe is a bit nutty. I'll just have to take their word for it as I've yet to make this concoction for my family. Poor Betty Crocker has just filed bankruptcy & the world now grieves. Freak.

All kidding aside, Christy is one of the greatest people I've ever met in my whole life. No, truthfully. I'm not kidding here folks so please stop your laughing. I daresay this will be the most serious part of my entire review & you'd better pay close attention or I'll have Christy take that hatchet to your head. Yap Yap! Christy is one of the most generous, sweetest people you'd ever want to meet & you'd be hard pressed to find anyone as nice anywhere in the cyber world. I feel truly blessed to have met such an awesome creature & Christy deserves a higher rating than that crappy old five that we give to movies which may not even be remembered next week. Can we rank Christy 10?

Over the past so many months, we have exchanged numerous emails or text messages & have even spoken a few times live. I was surprised at how much we really had in common (well, partially) and just how similar our personalities truly are. If we were anymore alike, I'd literally be scared shit-less. (Calm down, Christy! There's nothing to get all worked up about.) From our family lives right down to what we enjoy in the world of arts, I am constantly amazed at how I often feel like I'm responding to myself on the other end of the phone. Like I said before, I'd be really terrified if we were anymore alike. From our likes/dislikes to our dreams or hopes, there is literally an entire wealth of information that we still share & can usually agree on mutually. Stimulating, huh? Damned skippy.

I just celebrated my 35Th birthday almost two months ago & Christy went out of their way to wish me a grand birthday. Although I didn't expect anything special on that day, I was truly flattered by Christy's complete thoughtfulness & my birthday was definitely one I'd never forget. I can't go into details here as I'm starting to fear that hatchet you see in Christy's profile picture but let me say Christy is not unlike an elephant as he/she never forgets anything. I am immeasurably flattered that someone so far away whom I've only known for a short period of time would even remember me on such an occasion as that. Needless to say, I intend to  return the favor one day & hopefully that will be a meaningful wish come true for Christy.    

We heart Christy! We love you!
Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keeps The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keep The Kids At Bay Beware! Lock Up Your Granny & Keep The Kids At Bay

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November 18, 2010
Gets better every time I read it, and all of it is so very true, great job.
November 30, 2010
Haha1 Thanks Alex. We do miss having Christy around here. You should come over to Room 237 at Facebook where horror fans like yourself and Christy reside. You can post reviews, comment on others, or simply just get to know like minds. It's a lot of fun dude. Thanks again for your comments Alex!
December 26, 2009
Now that was incredibly awesome!  Very funny, charming and witty.  This is one of the best reviews I've seen on the entire site.  I absolutely love this.  Yep, I love Christy too.  One of the most entertaining reviewers on the site.
December 29, 2009
Gee, thanks man! Much appreciated. I'm glad to see that everyone is having so much fun with it. I'm just awaiting the other shoe to drop right now. In fact, sorta counting down actually... I'm starting to wonder if this isn't more of a celebrity roast than an actual review but it's all about love I guess. We're not laughing at Christy. We are laughing with Christy. Hehehe! I couldn't agree with you more Sean. Christy is an entertaining reviewer & an all-around great person.
December 29, 2009
Christy just got even with you, Brian....
December 29, 2009
Even? Aha! It's a conspiracy. I can smell those a few million miles away. Mmm, course you know this might mean war. MWAHAHA!
December 24, 2009
after Christy does her payback, can I go next, Brian?
December 24, 2009
By all means. All the other chumps on here better just grab a num ber & wait in line. Mwahaha!
December 24, 2009
You make Christy seem so controversial! LOL! How come? :~)
December 24, 2009
Oh, I dunno. More or less, it helps sell more reviews online. Bad publicity is often a good thing-y. ;-) We love Christy!
December 24, 2009
Remind me to never let you review me if that's your philosophy. ; )
December 24, 2009
Be careful or I just might. What was it that you didn't want us to know about you & your pink flamingo? ;-) Only kidding Orlok.
December 24, 2009
I don't have one of those, trust me! LOL!
December 24, 2009
Yeh, that's what they all say. Where ya hiding it? LMFAO ;-)
December 25, 2009
Seriously, I'm more of a gargoyle guy when it comes to outdoor decorations. ; )
December 29, 2009
I have a gargoyle though I don't decorate the front lawn with it. Someone would more than likely steal it.
December 29, 2009
True. You can put pumpkins out for Halloween around here without worrying, but I wouldn't trust our annoying neighborhood teens to not steal a cool statue or something.
December 29, 2009
Oh, hell no. If it's anything you would cherish or hope to preserve for any amount of time, you'd best keep it locked up or under safe wraps in my neighborhood. I would hate to find a whole population of teens missing. Hehe
December 29, 2009
Yeah, that would be a shame, especially if they were those stupid, drugged up teens that do nothing but ride around on skateboards and break stuff. Those are the only ones we have living near where I live, unless you count the farm kids that never leave their property except for the 4H club. They aren't as annoying, but mainly because you only ever see them at Walmart! Okay, now I'm bitching. Sorry.
December 29, 2009
I don't see any farms kids in my area honestly. The skate boarders or the ghetto kids but....they're ok as long as they don't break anything around my property. If they want to drink or smoke their brains out, have at it! Just stay the flip off of my flippin' property. Ahh, that feels better. Heh.
December 29, 2009
If I live to see old age, I can already tell that I'll be one of those cranky curmudgeons screaming at passers by "Get off my lawn, you damn hooligans!" LMAO!
December 29, 2009
Haha! Let's entertain that thought. Good one Orlok.
December 24, 2009
The best kept secret of the internet has been exposed! Now cover yourself back up before you get arrested Christy and go write some more reviews! Nice work Ceno, I felt like I was reading a celebrity roast.
December 24, 2009
You have never lied. Now I'm just anxiously awaiting more bad reviews from Christy just for entertainment purposes. LOL Thnx Queen!
December 24, 2009
You mean I've never lied BEFORE. LOL. Just kidding.
December 24, 2009
December 24, 2009
aaawwessssommmeeee!!!! I could not stop laughing myself silly to the extent of almost peeing myself!! This is the GREATEST REVIEW EVER!!!!!! You rule, Ceno!! We all love Christy!
December 24, 2009
I sent this review to Christy via email just minutes before publishing. As one can prolly guess, we had her or him in stitches. I knew then that I had to submit this review for publication. This is the most fun I've had writing a review in ages. I'm glad you found this to be funny & I'm thrilled that you were the first person to read it. You are phenomenal William! Your presence here on Lunch was greatly appreciated as always today sir.
December 24, 2009
Doesn't Willy always sneak in ahead? LOL We love you Willie!
December 24, 2009
LOL! You guys are just hilarious! Now my gloves are off....
December 24, 2009
Haha! Now I'm just awaiting that scathing review on Cenobite7 & I'm wondering who will be bold enuff to brootalize me on this site. That would be a trip for sure.
December 24, 2009
Christy is going to freakin' tear you apart! he-heh! I am literally crying from laughing...LOL
December 24, 2009
I can see this one coming. Hoo boy! I might need a drink for this. Send me a glass of something Woo! LOL
December 24, 2009
I have a feeling that Christy's going to send you some clorox or monkey pee! LMAO
December 24, 2009
Monkey pee more than maybe.....LMAO Oh, wait....
December 24, 2009
Kidding aside though, Christy is one of the most respectful, kind and decent human beings that I've had the honor to know. I told you, Christy is just very open to anything and I've learned a lot from Christy.
December 24, 2009
Hear! Hear! Christy is one of my best friends online right now & is just like family in my book. One could learn a great deal of things from Christy if they only took the time to listen. Truth be told, I'm totally thrilled to have met C anywhere online.
More Christy reviews
review by . June 06, 2010
Let's use AC-DC'S Song as background shall we?             http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DixnDjsEta0    My friend Brian (@Cenobite) had already roasted this reviewer in the past. So I guess it would be redundant for me to try and roast an already roasted fella right? Well, as everyone knows by now, Christy is male (I think) so we shall name him as Chris today. So why the heck am I writing a review on this reviewer? Well, he has …
Quick Tip by . December 22, 2009
posted in Awesomeness
Christy's a cool chick, but she has the dirtiest and most morbid sense of humor, so try not to be offended. Great insight into movies, too!
Quick Tip by . November 20, 2009
One of the Funniest, Entertaining Lunchers You'll Find Anywhere!
Quick Tip by . December 19, 2009
All hail Christy for giving us the most disturbing yet insightful reviews ever published online. I'd be terrified if I wasn't also warped.
About the reviewer
Brian ()
Ranked #28
I've spent years trying to make others happy & not really focusing on what's most important in my own life. Having said that, my own health & security are paramount so now I'm more … more
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