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Dating

Social activities done by two people to assess suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship.

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Worst. Date. Evar.

  • Oct 23, 2010
Rating:
-5
There are plenty of things that you forget you had to do growing up, which - frankly - should be chased out of existence for subsequent generations. When your first teeth fall out, for instance, is pretty much something out of a horror movie and I'm glad isn't a recurring incident in life - being a 40 year old on his third set of canines would just be lousy. Dating is another such awful rite of passage that is frankly barbaric and I'm really happy that whole part of my life is over now there's a piece of silver Crazy Glue'd to my third finger (I number my digits, ha ha ha.)

So picture the scene: London, 1999 - the cusp of the millennium, where young Bez was showered, shaved and primed to impress a hot new chick  in a very exclusive restaurant. This was a friend-of-a-friend recommendation, and I even had another friend pull strings to get me a table at this chic little eatery. Unfortunately, the only table available before the heat death of the universe was on April 1, which in itself should have had my biological zone alarm triggered.

I arrived at 6:55pm and waited at the bar. The martini was starting to have the effect of making me more interesting, as I looked out on the torrential downpour outside. Sarah, let's call her, scuttled in a few minutes late in that "I don't want to look too keen" sort of way and I offered her my seat. Which was a mistake since she was well over 6 feet and I can make about 5'6" on tip toes. She wore sunglasses even though it was pitch black outside which made it hard to establish any initial impression, especially since I'd need a periscope to avoid the inevitable neck pain from peering up at her.

We made our introductions and the hostess seated us with an urgency like the restaurant was about to depart. There was nowhere for her umbrella, and apparently Sarah didn't believe in leaving wet umbrellas on the floor, but the back of my chair seemed just fine. The hostess' urgency in slinging menus at us like ninja throwing stars was misplaced however, since now the waiter had decided he had more important things to be doing than his job. I kept trying to get his attention by staring him out, but that had no effect. I was starting to feel like Waldo as his eyes scoured the room of diners but I was somehow camouflaged.

Within 15 minutes and the first martini needing a sequel, once thing was very clear: Sarah had just broken up with her long term boyfriend and was clearly devastated. Which made the second thing very clear: romantic midget action wasn't in her short-term future. And I was okay with that in an "I really need to be ok with that" forced way, but it would be wonderful to survive the 3-course special without hearing about the ex all the way. Actually, it would be wonderful to place the order for the 3-course special, but it was like that restaurant scene in The Sixth Sense. Possibly the same restaurant.

So the set-up could have been better, but it wasn't bad enough to make me run out of door, which is what I should have done. The next part that went wrong was that Brenden Fraser - yes, the guy from The Mummy - sat next to us. Mr Fraser is, in real life, very tall and good looking, and certain not the guy you want sat next to you on a date. He's also apparently a doppelganger for Sarah's ex, so when the sunglasses finally came off, she couldn't avert her eyes. Between my hunting for the waiter, and Sarah's visual groping of her new crush, conversation had slowed to random meaningless sentences and nervous laughs.

The first course eventually arrived like everything does if you wait long enough - oysters. Sarah decided this was the time to inform me of her seafood allergies, so I had six to myself while she chowed down on some baguette. Now here's the thing about oysters when they're not fresh: it doesn't take long for your body to need the bathroom with a sense of urgency that made the hostess look like a slow-mo shot. Maybe she'd had the oysters too - who knows? As Sarah launched into her third anecdote about the ex, otherwise known as the only man on the planet, I hastily interrupted her and took the 100 meter sprint for the men's room in medal-winning time.

With the impending sense of horrible things about to happen, I'd forgotten it was April 1 and forgotten about that "funny English" custom of putting plastic wrap on toilet seats. They had also forgotten about April Fool's Jokes expiring at midday, and I crashed into the stool, yanked my pants off and crapped with God-loving full force into the plastic wrap. While I can imagine urinating onto a freshly wrapped smiling toilet seat might be a surprise and certainly a mild inconvenience, I can assure you that oyster-induced diarrhea creates a splash-back and splatter effect that exceeds your wildest dreams. Furthermore, you can imagine my shock at discovering they were out of toilet roll, and I developed a Macgyver-like ingenuity for figuring out how to clear up this truly alarming and not-exactly-odorless shitstorm.

Naturally, the waiter who had studiously avoided the table before the incident, decided that the optimal time to serve the main course was the precise moment when I left the table. Ten minutes into a part of my life that my therapist and I would later know as "The Cleansing" , Sarah had devoured all evidence of her Shrimp Tagliatelle and I returned to a cold omelette. Which was ok, because my appetite had gone the moment my first course hit the plastic.

Still I managed to get her attention for the first time in the meal, not through my suave demeanor and fascinating banter, but with the unmistakable stench of recently shat oyster that had proven so stubbornly hard to find and remove on a pair of similarly-colored khaki slacks. Her eyes snapped from Brenden to me, her hands simultaneously making a precision move to her wallet while telekinetically asking for the check. In what seemed to happen in mere seconds, I was sat alone in a restaurant with a cold egg on front of me, crap underneath me and Brenden Fraser on my left. In retrospect, Sarah was right not to leave her umbrella on the floor.

The next Monday, I started getting emails from mutual friends. "Sarah said you'd shit yourself," said one, inferring some nervousness from our supposedly romantic interlude. Another said I'd embarrassed her with my behavior, and I got the 1999 equivalent of a Facebook defriending through text message. 

Looking back, it's nice to be married now. No more dating, no reaching for aimless conversation, and now I can crap all over myself in the comfort of my own home. Needless to say, I haven't touched an oyster since, and I spend April 1 in a state of cat-like readiness whenever I need the bathroom. Fun times.

What did you think of this review?

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Thought-Provoking
40
Fun to Read
53
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Post a Comment
February 11, 2011
Yikes! Sounds positively dreadful. You can chuckle about it now but I guess it sure wasn't funny at the time. I agree with you....dating is horrible and I rarely participated,
 
February 06, 2011
And people wonder why I'm not interested in dating. Next time someone mentions it i'm pointing them to this review! Memorable for sure!
February 07, 2011
Thanks! Dating does, indeed, suck.
 
November 06, 2010
What a memorable date, HAHAHAHAHAHA............. :D Well, at the very least, I hope you get a Lunch Award for it :-)
November 08, 2010
Thanks! A Golden Thumb would look nice on my bookcase :-)
 
November 06, 2010
OMG what a hilarious story; I have tears in my eyes, especially from the bathroom nightmare. You poor thing!! I loved this!!!!
November 08, 2010
Thanks! And the lesson is: always keep a pack of tissue handy!
November 08, 2010
LOL - and maybe a bottle of Pepto Bismol.....the funniest date story I've ever read and I congratulate you on telling about the crap stuff...that took courage!! LOL
November 08, 2010
LOL - and maybe a bottle of Pepto Bismol.....the funniest date story I've ever read and I congratulate you on telling about the crap stuff...that took courage!! LOL
 
October 27, 2010
Oh my goodness, do I have crap stories to tell! Some friends and I even wrote a little Zine all about poop back in 1995. I might have to resurrect some stories. Thank you for the excellent story!
November 08, 2010
Thanks! Yes, do share...
 
October 25, 2010
LOL! such a great read!! Love it!
 
October 23, 2010
:) Fun, huh? I haven't had dates nearly as interesting, but I have to agree I enjoying being married and not having to deal with all the intricacies of dating. My husband and I never dated, he proposed to me before our first date! :)
October 23, 2010
If this had happened while married, Wendy would have gone to Walgreens for some wet-wipes and I would have cried my eyes out. :-)
 
October 23, 2010
Thought-Provoking indeed! Afraid you got me beat, buddy!
October 23, 2010
It's lucky I didn't get arrested. :-)
October 23, 2010
Yep. If San Francisco women weren't so stuck up and arrogant, I'd date more often -- and not on April Fool's! Good work.
 
October 23, 2010
LMAO...I seriously just had to re-read that aloud to my fiance! I loved your writing style and could almost imagine myself in "a fly on the wall" type situation. Thanks so much for sharing this and giving me a few much needed laughs. I've had a few doosies in my day but, this one takes the cake!
October 23, 2010
Thanks! It's only take a decade and $1,000 of therapy to get this far...
October 23, 2010
I bet! Luckily, you have a wonderful wife who loves you regardless. Thanks for reminding me of the joys of being with someone that I'll be spending the rest of my life with!
 
October 23, 2010
ahhh the joys of dating, I haven't read something this funny in a long time!
October 23, 2010
Thanks Seth - when the Annals of History get written, this story will be in the section with only one 'N'.
 
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Quick Tip by . August 07, 2011
"Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet     Dateless and so feeling quite stressed,     But Little Jack Horner was stuck in his corner,     And Willie Winkie still wasn't dressed."                - Gail Cooke
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James Beswick ()
Ranked #13
Lunch.com's "token Brit".
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Wiki


Dating is a form of human courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple. The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from country to country. The most common sense is two people trying out a relationship and exploring whether they're compatible by going out together in public as a couple, and who may or may not yet be having sexual relations, and this period of courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.

-- From wikipedia
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