Back in the days of the infancy of the home video market, store shelves were chocked full of these wonderfully tacky low-grade movie thrillers. Most of them were horror films – the kind of stuff with plenty of blood and guts to spare – and, every now and them, one came along that rose to the top. Eventually, it would be blessed with ‘B movie status’ – the kind of picture that couldn’t woo any mainstream stars but, instead, built a reliable audience around quality effects. The truth is legitimate ‘splatter’ sells pictures, and no one appreciated it more than the folks who flocked to rent these mostly laughably side flicks.
Then, there’s the stuff that Uwe Boll puts his name on.
(NOTE: The following review will contain minor spoilers necessary solely for the discussion of plot and characters. If you’re the kind of reader who prefers a review entirely spoiler-free, then I’d encourage you to skip down to the last two paragraphs for my final assessment. If, however, you’re accepting of a few modest hints at ‘things to come,’ then read on …)
The Apocalypse is here. You can thank Uwe Boll for it. A horrific plague wiped out the female of the species, so mankind is left with no way to propagate itself into the future. Women are reduced to flesh-eating zombies. Interestingly enough, there are plenty of male flesh-eating zombies, but apparently just ‘how’ and ‘where’ they came from escaped writer/director Marco Ristori’s “capable” vision. Into this world, three men – two soldiers of fortune and one scientist – are hoping they may uncover the secret behind a cure … so long as they can survive long enough to find it.
EATERS is chocked full of – simply put – not so much “bad writing” as it is “downright terrible writing.” Seriously. No, I mean “downright terrible writing.” I’ve no doubt the filming experience was the kind wherein director Ristori probably encouraged his talent to throw in an ample amount of F-bombs whenever the spirit so moved them. So very much of the script makes so little sense that I won’t trouble you with the finer points other than to say it involves good scientists versus bad scientists along with the emergence of a new Nazi Party (???). We learn in the film’s opening sequence that things got so bad in this world that even the Pope committed suicide by blowing his head off.
Yes, it’s that bad.
This is the kind of film wherein our two ‘heroes’ announce very early on that they consider it their job to shoot zombies and drink beer … and, as luck would have it, they’re obviously low on beer.
Believe it or not, this script even tries to breathe new life into what’s been found to be the world’s worst line of dialogue: “there’s a fly in my soup.”
Blink it, and you’ll miss the cover of “Girls With Corpses” Magazine.
I poke fun – mostly because it’s so easy – but so very much of EATERS makes it the kind of film perfect for MST3K, were they still on the air.
My favorite worst line of dialogue from this would have to be, and I'm paraphrasing it: "I'm on the brink of some great scientific discovery ... I just don't know what it is."
EATERS is produced by Extreme Video SNC. DVD distribution is being handled through Entertainment One (E One). For those of you who wish to know, this is an Italian spoken language film, and the release offers both an English-dubbed or English-subtitling option. As for the technical specs, it all looks and sounds about as well as the next Uwe Boll production looks and sounds, which is to say ‘meh.’ There’s a bonus making-of featurette available if you’re interested, but I wasn’t.
NOT REALLY RECOMMENDED. Granted, for those of you with the patience and the stomach to make it through this stinker from start-to-finish, maybe (maybe, I said) there will be the emergence of some guilty pleasure. I doubt it. EATERS is a waste, through and through. It’s beneath B-movie fare. It ought to be the kind of thing that’s an embarrassment to have on one’s resume … well, unless you’re Uwe Boll, that is.
In the interests of fairness, I’m pleased to disclose that the fine folks at Entertainment One (E One) provided me with an advance DVD screener of EATERS for the expressed purposes of completing this review.
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About the reviewer
What? You don't know enough about me from the picture? Get a clue! I'm a graduate from the School of Hard Knocks! You can find me around the web as "Trekscribbler" or "Manchops". … more