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G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013 film)

a movie directed by Jon M. Chu

< read all 5 reviews

Nothing in this movie makes sense

  • Apr 7, 2013
There are films that ask you to accept the premise before going in. There are movies that ask you to accept certain plot elements though they don't make sense. There are movies that ask you to shut off your brain and just go with the idiocy. And then there is GI Joe. Nothing makes sense in this film. Not a single solitary thing. It isn't suspension of belief that this movie asks of you, but the utter ejection of your brain into a little jar which you might hopefully get back  at the end of the film, though I doubt it. I'm sorry, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. Once, a long time ago, I could. I still remember being very entertained by the first Transformers, so obviously suspension of belief to this level is possible, but I just can't do it anymore.
The movie starts with a GI Joe par core fight scene, which I guess was supposed to be exiting but all I could thing about was The Office.
It really is that ridiculous. But to be fair, this is standard popcorn action stuff. I can forgive a movie its sins of over the top action. I have in the past, I will probably do it in the again. But the action in this movie never really excited me except for one time. I can enjoy dumb action as much as the next guy (hell, I think I’m the only one in the world who liked Die Hard 4), but GI Joe’s was just too… Transformy. And not in the Transformer 1 kinda way, more like in the “what in the name of God is going on here?” Transformer’s 2 kinda way. A small difference, I know, but even those who enjoy the first Transformers as a guilty pleasure want to rip our heads off at the idiocy that is the second movie. Transformers 1=stupid fun, while Transformers 2= ”my God what did I just see?” That’s pretty much how I felt at the end of this film. A lot of bullets are thrown around, a lot of explosions, and a lot of crazy over the top action slock. But just about everything in it defines all sense of logic and reason to the point where I think the movie was written by the special effects people instead of, well, you know, actual writers. Did Michael Bay do this movie? No? Well riddle me surprised.  
But its not the crazy over the top action that does this movie in. Despite my bad mouthing it, there were a couple of scenes I have to admit were really freaking cool. No siry, it’s the complete lack of sense. Spoilers follow, so if you care about such things, cover your virgin eyes. So Cobra’s plan to take over the world is, upon installing one of his henchmen as the fake President, to assassinate the Joe’s with a massive military strike against their base after framing them for the assassination of the Pakistani President after using them to steal all of Pakistan’s nukes which are conveniently all located in one central location guarded by people wearing towels (and no, that’s not a racist remark, one of the dudes is literally wearing a towel on his head). So they launch a massive strike against the Joes… and no one ever questions the logic behind this, asks why the attempt was never made to capture and try them, question the President’s authority to straight up kill all the Joe’s using (ahem) COBRA troops. Did none of the generals wonder who all those mysterious troops were? So once the Joe’s are out of the way the next step in the plan is to gather together in one spot the leaders of every nuclear armed nation in the world in order to negotiate talks on nuclear disbarment. Once there he, launches his nukes at all of them? Okay, first off, North Korea is at these talks. What fantasy world is this? North Korea sitting down at the negotiating table to talk about nuclear disbarment? Balderdash! So the nations of the world respond by, launching every single nuke they have, AT EACH OTHER? Wait a minute, they weren’t nuking each other, America was nuking them, why then would they nuke each other in response? So the fake President then destroys all his nukes with a magical button, an watches as all the other world leaders have similar magical buttons that destroy their nukes midair as well. But wait, what if one of them decided not to? What if, you know, North Korea or Iran decided, screw it, and let their missiles destroy America anyway? Then Cobra would be dead, and the whole plan would be for nothing. Yeah, way to go Cobra.
You see, no logic. There are so many plot holes in this movie it might as well be Swiss cheese. Nothing in this movie makes sense. There’s a part where a character takes out a handful of grenades he was hiding in a fruit bowl, a FRUIT BOWL. Golly, sure hope he doesn’t have any company over for dinner. Wouldn’t want any kid finding a freaking grenade while looking for a banana. I haven’t mentioned a quarter of the huge gaping holes in this movie, and I think just the ones I listed are pretty bad.
The acting is adequate for this kind of movie though nothing special. The Rock puts in a fun performance, while everyone else is… well, there. Bruce Willis was an odd character. He didn’t really do much, just sort of gave the Joe’s their guns for the final battle and helped out a little bit in that battle, but he is more of an extended cameo then an actual character. I mean it’s still Bruce Willis, so you know he’s a cool guy,  but it seemed like a role they threw in there to give the movie a little extra star power it didn’t have before.
So in conclusion, GI Joe is Transformers 2. Is it better than the first? I don’t know, as I’ve never seen the first. Is it entertaining in its own right? That all depends on the level of BS you can take before giving up on a movie. I was somewhat with this movie all the way up to the point where the villains revealed their master plan, at that point I couldn’t take it anymore. It had reached levels of ridiculousness m fragile little mind could not take. I would recommend this movie to those who enjoyed all three Transformers movies, know they are capable of suspending belief in the rules of logic and reason for an entire movie, and want nothing more than to see big huge action scenes. If that’s you, you’ll like this movie, and more power to you. If not, I’d recommend saving your money.
Replay value; low. 

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April 09, 2013
the goal of making movies out of Hasbro toys may be charming back in the day, but nowadays they get pretty lame. I did not like the first movie so I skipped this one--This weekend however, there is nothing I really want to see so I may tag along with a friend for this (or maybe convince to rent instead?)
More G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013 fi... reviews
review by . April 04, 2013
posted in Movie Hype
Joe sure does seem cornier on the big screen compared to those cartoons and comics.
No lies when I am a big GI Joe fan and while I found 2009's Rise of Cobra entertaining, I found so much flawed, tinkered with and changed for big screen appeal or other reasons that it left a sour taste in my mouth.  Sure we got masked mooks being blown up by our heroes, the ninjas and more but any Joe fan knew something better was out there.  This film was put off for many months for a 3D conversion and I want my extra 3 bucks back since it made the action wobbly and harder to follow …
review by . June 09, 2014
posted in Movie Hype
I’m one of the rare few who actually had an awful lot of fun with G.I. JOE – THE RISE OF COBRA.  I thought – like most truly good summer fare – it was a motion picture that set out with modest ambitions knowing full well what it was going to be: little more than a popcorn flick, with enough action and goofy goodness thrown in to keep minds busy while wasting a few brain cells on mindless adventure.  It kinda/sorta evoked in me that same gee-willikers sense of fun …
Quick Tip by . August 11, 2013
posted in Movie Hype
Against my friends’ warnings, I needed to see a movie that would allow me to space out since my allergies were bothering me. So I said “what the hey, I’ll rent G.I. JOE: Retaliation”….well, it was a tad better than the first movie, but really it left me with such an empty experience that I’d rather not write a full review on it.      It does have several good moments of action, I also liked the subplot about Snake Eyes, Jinx and Storm Shadow, …
Quick Tip by . April 04, 2013
The Joe team is taken out by Cobra's forces and left for dead with the survivors attempting to stop a nuclear arms summit that could destroy the world. Nice action and closer leanings to the source material are a plus but characterization is still flawed and some moments are truly dumbfounding.
About the reviewer
Jonathan J.D. Lane ()
Ranked #118
I am a member of the US Air Force and presently serve overseas at RAF Mildenhall about three hours north of London. I grew up in Pappilion Nebraska and Crestview Florida, but since joining the Air Force … more
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