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Lifetime

Network featuring programming for women.

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My Overhaul

  • Jun 22, 2012
  • by
Rating:
-4
From the Lifetime network's website, the channel is self-described:

Lifetime Networks is a diverse, multi-media company, committed to offering the highest quality entertainment and information programming content that celebrates, entertains and supports women.


For the post-menopausal set who adore cheap televised movies that exploit conflicting desires for empowerment and domestic martyrdom, hokey, propagandist, pro-military fiction and nauseating reality shows in which obnoxious drama queens fabricate ridiculous clothes and a psychotic, obese dance instructor presents little girls as prancing whores while their inane mothers shriek at one another, the above description is true. For everyone else, Lifetime isn't the bottom of the barrel. Neither is it a septic tank buried six feet under that barrel, nor a corpse located beneath the septic tank. Actually, it's some sort of industrial-grade prison toilet frequented by HIV-infected convicts. My point is that for any intelligent, empowered woman who wants to be entertained, Lifetime was rendered worthless when they canceled reruns of The Golden Girls from their weekday lineup. The Golden Girls! I've seen better administrative decisions executed in Guyanan communes.

Featured below is a week of my proposed, revised programming for Lifetime. If I'm not contacted posthaste to be installed as Chief Program Director and Eternal Overlord of this channel after this is web-published, I suppose they'll be forced to find some other way to reverse their increasingly abysmal ratings on this station's native platform.

Monday

6:00 AM - Утренняя гимнастика
7:00 AM - The French Chef
7:30 AM - dinnerladies
8:00 AM - Supersize vs. Superskinny
9:00 AM - Another Woman
11:00 PM - Dough Power Review
12:00 PM - Two Fat Ladies
12:30 PM - Baking With Julia
1:00 PM - Martha Argerich and Friends
2:30 PM - Worst Weekly YouTube Hauls
4:00 PM - Barefoot Contessa
4:30 PM - Nigella Bites
5:00 PM - This Week's Public Access Failures
6:00 PM - Evening Feasts
7:00 PM - The Golden Girls
7:30 PM - The Golden Girls
8:00 PM - She's Having a Baby
10:00 PM - The Nanny
10:30 PM - The Nanny
11:00 PM - Roseanne
11:30 PM - Absolutely Fabulous
12:00 PM - Crazy Love
2:00 AM - Anatomy of Hell
4:00 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
4:30 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
5:00 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
5:30 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
 

Tuesday

6:00 AM - Утренняя гимнастика
7:00 AM - The French Chef
7:30 AM - dinnerladies
8:00 AM - Supersize vs. Superskinny
9:00 AM - Warm Water Under a Red Bridge
12:00 PM - Two Fat Ladies
12:30 PM - Baking With Julia
1:00 PM - The Runaways: Live in Japan
2:30 PM - Worst Weekly YouTube Hauls
4:00 PM - Barefoot Contessa
4:30 PM - Nigella Bites
5:00 PM - This Week's Public Access Failures
6:00 PM - Evening Feasts
7:00 PM - The Golden Girls
7:30 PM - The Golden Girls
8:00 PM - Volver
10:00 PM - The Nanny
10:30 PM - The Nanny
11:00 PM - Roseanne
11:30 PM - Absolutely Fabulous
12:00 AM - Inland Empire
4:00 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
4:30 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
5:00 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
5:30 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
 

Wednesday

6:00 AM - Утренняя гимнастика
7:00 AM - The French Chef
7:30 AM - dinnerladies
8:00 AM - Supersize vs. Superskinny
9:00 AM - Baby Boom
11:00 PM - Dough Power Review
12:00 PM - Two Fat Ladies
12:30 PM - Baking With Julia
1:00 PM - Vladimir Jurowski conducts the Chamber Orchestra of Europe with Helene Grimaud: Strauss, Ravel
3:00 PM - Worst Weekly YouTube Hauls
4:00 PM - Barefoot Contessa
4:30 PM - Nigella Bites
5:00 PM - This Week's Public Access Failures
6:00 PM - Evening Feasts
7:00 PM - The Golden Girls
7:30 PM - The Golden Girls
8:00 PM - The Piano
10:00 PM - The Nanny
10:30 PM - The Nanny
11:00 PM - Roseanne
11:30 PM - Absolutely Fabulous
12:00 PM - Eyes Wide Shut
4:00 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
4:30 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
5:00 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
5:30 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
 

Thursday

6:00 AM - Утренняя гимнастика
7:00 AM - The French Chef
7:30 AM - dinnerladies
8:00 AM - Supersize vs. Superskinny
9:00 AM - Slums of Beverly Hills
11:00 PM - Dough Power Review
12:00 PM - Two Fat Ladies
12:30 PM - Baking With Julia
1:00 PM - Miki Kobayashi performs Bach, Paganini, Wieniawski and Ysaÿe at the 14th International Henryk Wieniawski Violin Competition
2:30 PM - Worst Weekly YouTube Hauls
4:00 PM - Barefoot Contessa
4:30 PM - Nigella Bites
5:00 PM - This Week's Public Access Failures
6:00 PM - Evening Feasts
7:00 PM - The Golden Girls
7:30 PM - The Golden Girls
8:00 PM - All About My Mother
10:00 PM - The Nanny
10:30 PM - The Nanny
11:00 PM - Roseanne
11:30 PM - Absolutely Fabulous
12:00 PM - A Film Unfinished
2:00 AM - Single White Female
4:00 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
4:30 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
5:00 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
5:30 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
 

Friday

6:00 AM - Утренняя гимнастика
7:00 AM - The French Chef
7:30 AM - dinnerladies
8:00 AM - Supersize vs. Superskinny
9:00 AM - Interiors
11:00 PM - Dough Power Review
12:00 PM - Two Fat Ladies
12:30 PM - Baking With Julia
1:00 PM - Wendy O. Williams and The Plasmatics: Ten Years of Revolutionary Rock and Roll
2:30 PM - Worst Weekly YouTube Hauls
4:00 PM - Barefoot Contessa
4:30 PM - Nigella Bites
5:00 PM - This Week's Public Access Failures
6:00 PM - Evening Feasts
7:00 PM - The Golden Girls
7:30 PM - The Golden Girls
8:00 PM - Rachel, Rachel
10:00 PM - The Nanny
10:30 PM - The Nanny
11:00 PM - Roseanne
11:30 PM - Absolutely Fabulous
12:00 PM - The Insect Woman
3:30 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
4:00 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
4:30 AM - Sunday Night Sex Show
5:00 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson
5:30 AM - Talk Sex with Sue Johanson


Saturday

6:00 AM - Julia Child & Company
6:30 AM - Cooking with Master Chefs
7:00 AM - 36 fillette
9:00 AM - Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
12:00 PM - The Best Little Girl in the World
2:00 PM - The Portrait of a Lady
5:00 PM - When a Woman Ascends the Stairs
7:30 PM - Eyes of Laura Mars
10:00 PM - Unholy Desire
2:00 AM - In Julia's Kitchen with Master Chefs
2:30 AM - In Julia's Kitchen with Master Chefs
3:00 AM - Dinner at Julia's
3:30 AM - Dinner at Julia's
4:00 AM - Looking for Mr. Goodbar
 

Sunday

6:00 AM - Julia Child & Company
6:30 AM - Julia Child & Jacques Pépin Cooking at Home
7:00 AM - Talk to Her
10:00 AM - Husbands and Wives
12:00 PM - Fat Girl
2:00 PM - Desperately Seeking Susan
4:00 PM - Maria Full of Grace
6:00 PM - Raise the Red Lantern
9:00 PM - 3 Women
12:00 PM - Let's Scare Jessica to Death
2:00 PM - Times Square
4:00 AM - Yellow Earth


If this programming encumbers its viewers with any disadvantage, it's that viewers won't care to leave their houses. What's more, I'll restore commercials for tampons, hygiene products and makeup to their rightful prominence while marginalizing (if not eliminating) the pharmaceutical industry's godforsaken advertisements entirely.

Who's with me?

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June 29, 2012
I am with the Baron--great work!
 
June 28, 2012
Wow! That first paragraph is one of the greatest snippets I've ever read!
June 28, 2012
Thank you. Truth is that most liberating of all intellectual joys.
 
June 22, 2012
I'M WITH YOU YAY! :D This is a PHENOMENAL line - up, Snuudles! :D I want it so muchies, ouhhhhhh! :D We WILL own our own networks eventuallysie and we'll play EVERYTHING WE WANTIE, HEEHEE! :D

YAYSIES! ^-^

♥ Annusya ♥
June 22, 2012
WE WANT QUALITY PROGRAMMING
WE WANT QUALITY PROGRAMMING
WE WANT QUALITY PROGRAMMING


I'M STEPPING ABOUT THIS TABLE TO SMOOCH YOU
June 22, 2012
YAYAYAYAYAYYYYSIES! :D

SMUUUUUUUUUUCHIES! :D

♥ Annusya ♥
 
1
About the reviewer
Robert Buchanan ()
Ranked #30
I'm a bibliophile, ailurophile, inveterate aggregator, dedicated middlebrow and anastrophizing syntax addict. My personality type is that of superlative INTJ.
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