Most parents say that swaddling helps their babies get to sleep, stay asleep, and get comforted quickly, especially when they are newborns. My problem with this is that the focus is on getting the baby to shut up, settle, be quiet in his/her crib, on his own.
Does this reminds you of an old adage, seen but not heard . A baby will fall asleep in mom’s arms just as quickly. A baby will sleep on dad’s chest just as sweetly, without needing to feel like he is back in the womb. We are too quick to try to get our newborn to stop crying, or communicating. Have you ever thought about how crying for a baby is really talking? Babies speak one language we don’t quite understand right away, so we quickly respond by shushing, telling the baby “don’t cry,” and we are told that if we turn on vacuum cleaners or hairdryers we’ll see the baby’s gaze switch and they will quiet down. Yes, indeed that works, but what about allowing the baby to talk? Now I don’t mean we should let a baby cry on his/her own, but have you heard how after a few weeks a mom will hear a baby cry and say, “I know that cry, he is hungry. Or he needs to be changed. “ Mom’s eventually learn their babies language. So let’s change our perception from the baby is crying to the baby is talking, and let’s ask the baby what he/she needs as we offer, food, comfort, cuddle, empathy and love.
This being said one of the reasons why the swaddling methods, as well as the shushing methods, have come to the forefront is because those are tools we should use when our baby cry is making a mom go deeper into postpartum depression, or is making the baby being at risk of being miss-handled by a frustrated parent. There is no doubt there are babies out there that do benefit from swaddling, shusshing, and swinging. Moms should try to pacify their little one with the breast first, talking, singing, holding loving, and if all else fails then use this great tool. So, if you feel like you need a break or you will go mad, PLEASE SWADDLE your baby and turn on the vacuum cleaner. Or better call a postpartum doula and go for a walk. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself frustrated especially from the lack of sleep. We all felt that way, and the quieting techniques have grown from the empathy felt by some experts for new moms. But these techniques have become the norm, the crutch nearly used daily, instead of being the exception, the tool used in only special occasions.
So if you can, and I am only asking to put aside a few months of your life for this: hold your baby, go ahead it is O.K. you are not going to spoil her, in fact you might just teach her that what she says counts and you will listen.
“If your only goal were to get your baby to sleep through the night, then leaving him to cry would accomplish that goal. The problem is that the reason the baby stops crying and sleeps is that he becomes so discouraged he gives up trying to signal that he needs help. In effect, he has learned to sleep through the night……… out of despair rather than contentment.” ~ Dr. Martha Heineman Pieper, Author of Smart Love
I do agree that parents (both mothers and fathers, btw) often learn the languages of the infants, and that focusing on communication is very important in these first few months. However, I think that swaddling and other quieting techniques can be an important part of that communication which, after all, is by definition a two-way street.
When our second child was born, we had somewhat expected trouble. He had been active in the womb at night and far less active during the day. We knew his cycle was turned around. My wife tried the "listening" approach for a few days and realized that wasn't going to work-- the problem was that he wanted to sleep during the day and stay up all night. In the end with help of grandparents we did as follows:
1) Set him down to sleep during the day in direct sunshine coming in through the closed window (no danger of sunburn, but lots and lots of sunlight).
2) Quieting techniques used aggressively at night when the cries were about requests for interaction, but not neglecting feeding at night, etc.
Two days later, the cycle was set aright. He'd be more active during the day, and wake up at night only when he needed something.
The focus should be on actual dialog between parents and infant. Quieting techniques and even being slower to respond to needs at night* can be a useful part of that dialog but ideally they are not used as a tool of last resort to protect the sanity of the parents, but rather as a more routine part of the dialog itself, a dialog whose ultimate purpose is to try to help the child get what he/she needs/wants.
* Children do wake up cry briefly, and go back to sleep all the time. Waiting to see if the child is clearly all the way awake before responding seems better than waking the child up to ask what's wrong (when what is wrong may well be "I'm tired!" or even "I was waking up!")........ It also gently encourages the movement of nocturnal needs to daytime hours.