I hate tofurky. I hate the idea of a tofurky. And I get offended when people expect me to eat tofurky.
It’s a bland, chewy, tasteless roll of fake meat, containing mushy under seasoned stuffing, and vacuum sealed into a plastic bag. It even retains the shape of the plastic bag, and resembles a log when served on the table.
I thought tofurky was an urban myth, made up by some crazy vegan. I certainly had never seen on at any of my holiday meals. The idea of fake meat overall still confuses me a little, but to try and substitute an entire turkey is a really confusing idea.
One year, at my lovely god-mothers house for Thanksgiving, she told me she had gotten a Tofurky for me, because A) she thought I would feel left out and B) she and her daughter were also curious to try it.
I was grateful that my god mother was so thoughtful, but I highly doubted I was going to feel left out, since everything else she was making for dinner was also vegetarian. Eggplant parmesan, stuffing, stuffed mushrooms, green beans, mashed potatoes, anti-pasta, salad, and homemade cheesecake. Plus a gallon of other treats I don’t even recall. But there was plenty.
Anyway, the tofurky was left to defrost on the counter, next to the real turkey. It looked sad in its little plastic casing, next to this giant Heritage turkey and kept trying to roll off the counter anytime someone came in contact with it.
It baked for three hours, in the oven with the stuffing and some potatoes, and came out right in time for dinner. I think you are supposed to chop off the two ends, that retain the shape of the casing and make it look particularly unappetizing, but we forgot, so I got the ends with the unfortunate looking tail.
It was flavorless, rubbery and overall unappealing. Its actually very similar to chewing on rubber. I don’t know what turkey tastes like, but I hope it taste nothing like a tofurky. I wish the taste was more similar to the fake chicken that Morningstar or Trader Joes makes, but it does not.
Everyone was really happy that I had my own little turkey to eat, but I wish they would have forgotten about it so I could slip it under the table to the cats. But I wouldn't even want to subject them to that gross food either. The insides were almost as terrible as the actual tofurky itself. A lot of cranberry sauce and gravy was used to mask the taste of it.
My god sister tried some too, took one bite, gave me a look that only god sisters can give to each other, and pushed it to the side.
It sat in the fridge untouched for a week, long after all the other yummy leftovers were gone, until finally I tossed it.
I wish I had never seen that tofurky, because I wouldn’t have to waste perfectly good dinner plate space on it. There are so many wonderful option to eat at any Thanksgiving, a tofurky is completely unnecessary.
People always joke around with me, asking, so what DO you eat for Thanksgiving, tofurky?? I just have to nicely reply no, I eat basically EVERYTHING else because tofurky is disgusting.
If you are thinking about trying out a tofurky for your Thanksgiving, I recommend spending you time and money on something else. If you really feel you need a protein substitute, try marinating your own tempeh or making a Portobello mushroom entrée, they are savory satisfying and delicious, and do not come vacuum packed.
