The Bottom Line: “Alone in the dark, where the demons are torturing me The dark passage of revenge is all that I see” ~performed by Testament
I’ll be the first to step forward and admit I don’t watch good movies. I tend to lean to turkey’s because they are just so idiotic. However, I don’t need this pointed out to me by the makers of the movie, I already know I’m a fool. But I’m a fool keeping them in business. So my latest downfall was Alone in the Dark, directed by Uwe Boll.
I found out two things about this movie. First, Boll apparently bastardized it so badly he had to edit the thing and add the 10 minute rolling script at the beginning to explain what it is about. It is similar to the rolling script used in older movies but this is topped with the addition of an announcer reading to it us. Like we didn’t have a brain in our bodies. Secondly, I learned the movie was taken from a game, which was fairly popular. Never heard of it, but that isn’t surprising. Perhaps that is why, throughout the movie, Christian Slater has his little narrative bits. I found it annoying.
According to the intro, we are dealing with a long lost Native American civilization, the Abkani Tribe. Not that they originated the idea but they believed the world had two parts, darkness and light, and they opened the portal between these worlds 10,000 years ago.
Apparently this didn’t go well because the Abkani Tribe disappeared after that, leaving only a few artifacts hidden around the world. How they got them all over the world, dunno. Anyway, if these artifacts were ever to be joined together again, it would open the portal back up and the evil would be set free once again.
You just KNOW a scientist is gonna do his thing.
In this case we have both criminal minds; scientists and government. Our government agency is known as Bureau 713, a paranormal research institute. I got a little confused here because they stated that the government had shut down Bureau 713, yet further into the movie it is people from 713 that are flying in black helicopters and sliding down ropes. Anyway, when the Bureau was shut down our crazed scientist began doing experiments of the most foul on orphans. He was trying to merge man [insert children] with creatures from another world. All in a days work for evil scientists.
Now the defunct Bureau 713 is calling up one of its’ old mentors, Edward Carnby, played morosely by Christian Slater. He, among 19 others, had been in that orphanage and were part of the original experiments. Now he just has paranormal abilities. The others appear normal until all hell breaks loose.
What made the movie so horrible, beyond the script and acting, was the influx of so many themes. You’ve got everything from Indiana Jones to Stormtroopers and none of it gels nicely. Throw in artifacts, zombie-like orphans, and really ugly demons, you got it all. What you have, I don’t know and was none the wiser after listening to Boll drone on in his commentary. And with all these demons, we have no gore factor. One little problem with a head but otherwise it was a bang-bang shoot-em-up. And it’s loud, very loud.
This was written by Elan Mastai and Michael Roesch. Amazingly it received 2 nominations. It carries an R rating - violence and language.
Christian Slater, Tara Reid, and Stephen Dorff showed up for the movie but they forgot their enthusiasm.
DVD extras include: Raging Boll: The Stuff of Legends, which covers Boll’s career. It also includes the boxing match, which I knew nothing about, between Boll and several of his critics. Into the Dark: features Boll, actors, writers, producers, all busy patting themselves on the back. Storyboard to scene comparisons Commentary: Boll, the producer, and effects supervisor show up for the commentary. More glad handing and stroking. Trailer
There is nothing wrong with bad movies. In fact, they make the good or even semi-good movies seem even better. They are the jumping off point for a lot of actors, directors, producers, etc., and are a necessary evil. Generally they are good for several laughs. However when those involved actually think they have done quality work, well, I can’t comment other than to say, avoid it.
Half a star out of **** Uwe Boll's "Alone in the Dark" has nothing to do with the somewhat-forgotten and underrated 1982 slasher film of the same name. It is, instead, a big-screen adaptation of the popular video game franchise; which comes to no surprise, since Boll is infamous for merging video games with cinema and creating the most repulsively bad and intellectually assaultive pieces of shit ever. This is my first Uwe Boll film, and now I see why he has been greeted by … more
This movie has everything-- predictable plot, wooden acting, monsters, bad guys, selfless heroes, villainous professors, pretty heroines, bombs, guns and explosions (although my husband noted that there wasn't much nudity or sex.) We had a great time making fun of it, guessing what was going to happen next (which wasn't hard; we were right every time) and laughing at the incredibly bad dialogue. This would be a good movie to watch on Halloween night with the kids who are too old for trick or treating. … more
vAs another entry in the video-game-to-movie genre,Alone in the Darkcertainly delivers in terms of its splattering gore and number of things that get shot or blown up with the kind of arsenal familiar to any fan of games that allow the player to shoot or blow things up. You could argue that some game-based movies have been big successes--gauged either by audience appeal or box office scores. Even though a lot of hardcore gamers probably won't care,Alone in the Darkis not of that ilk. At least theResident EvilandTomb Raiderseries had some interesting characters and locations (not to mention sexy stars). ButAlone in the Darkis crippled from the first by a mundane setting of caves, laboratories, and street-fighting backgrounds as well as a cast (including Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, and Tara Reid) that couldn't be less interested in the overly complex plot. The absurdity starts right away with a long expository pre-title text crawl that carries all the gravitas of a "Monty Python" sketch intro. The gist of the plot has a group of scientists, special-ops military guys, and paranormal freaks and geeks investigating evil creatures that were once harnessed by an extinct subset race of Native Americans. Unleashed again, the creatures must be destroyed, which is where the video game blasting and attendant gore comes into play. Considering the cult following the game series carries (the first installment is over a decade old),Alone in the Darkcould find a nice ...