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Alone in the Dark

A movie directed by Uwe Boll

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Oh god, Uwe. Leave the video games ALONE!

  • Nov 25, 2011
Rating:
-5
Half a star out of ****

Uwe Boll's "Alone in the Dark" has nothing to do with the somewhat-forgotten and underrated 1982 slasher film of the same name. It is, instead, a big-screen adaptation of the popular video game franchise; which comes to no surprise, since Boll is infamous for merging video games with cinema and creating the most repulsively bad and intellectually assaultive pieces of shit ever. This is my first Uwe Boll film, and now I see why he has been greeted by such infamy; he deserves every last bit of criticism. Here, he's taken a good premise and rendered it stupefying and nigh impossible to watch. If there's one thing that makes it endurable, it's the amount of time you'll bust a gut laughing your ass off. Believe me folks; this one is a real stinker.

So the film opens with an overlong text that speaks of the back-story to the film, which is read aloud, to our dismay. The back-story involves an ancient tribe called the Abskani. Apparently, they worshipped otherworldly demons, who would take over the world upon being summoned. And now, they have finally been let loose onto the modern world, and we have to watch as Boll allows these badly animated CGI beasties to roam free and do little more than just kill people.

But of course, there must be characters; and oh man, are there ever. You've got a paranormal investigator (Christian Slater), his girlfriend (Tara Reid), and some guy in police clothing (Stephen Dorff) intent on being badass. He isn't.

Is there even a need to name these individuals? Boll cares about them just about as much as I do. A few are given the kind of back-stories that should be considered necessary, even if they are lame all-the-same. Still, every single character feels out-of-place and born of a million clich├ęs; and the actors portraying them have each seen better days, or at least the mass majority of them have. They're just plain bad here; and they aren't even the worst to be found here when it comes to performances. No, if you know your bad movies; then you'll know that the acting that REALLY, REALLY sucks comes from the supporting cast. That's one thing that Boll seems to understand, but that's about it.

I knew the movie was going to suck. I watched it because I was in the mood for something that was bad in just about every aspect of its being. So I can't say I'm disappointing when "Alone in the Dark", a film with a perfectly interesting idea going for it, turns out to be an insanely illogical and disgustingly under-made little horror movie. Boll's idea of suspense seems to be some dimly lit places (often times, the dark cinematography seemed unintentional rather than the reverse) and slimy lizards and their worm offspring that pounce from the shadowy regions of the earth and kill you. Sure, that can be creepy and effective, but the director gets nothing right and screws up any possibility for goodness. It isn't entertaining and it isn't scary; with the exception of a gratuitous and poorly-filmed sex scene between Slater and Reid. Now THAT, my friends, is some scary shit.

I have not played the Alone in the Dark video games, and by the looks of things, neither has Boll. The fans reacted negatively to the lack of faithfulness in the film adaptation's story; which is a load of bull otherwise. Nothing could have saved it or improved it in terms of quality; the fact that it doesn't even stick to the franchise that it's built around makes it all the more down-right pathetic. And as it is, I've said all I can say about "Alone in the Dark". I hated it; every moment of it. It's silly, stupid, and if you're going to watch it at all; watch it for the surplus of unintentional laughs. And whether you like it or not, a laugh is a laugh. And unintentional, guilty joy is the only emotion you'll feel when watching a movie directed by the master of cinematic crap himself. So embrace whatever you can feel and continue to detest the rest of the ride. Where "Alone in the Dark" stands, as cinema, is all in the title.

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November 25, 2011
Uwe Boll's movies are so bad. I've yet to see a decent one from him. I haven't even finished watching this movie.
 
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More Alone in the Dark (2005 movie) reviews
review by . January 05, 2010
posted in Movie Hype
Pros: nada     Cons: a conglomeration of yuck     The Bottom Line:   “Alone in the dark, where the demons are torturing me   The dark passage of revenge is all that I see”   ~performed by Testament     I’ll be the first to step forward and admit I don’t watch good movies. I tend to lean to turkey’s because they are just so idiotic. However, I don’t need this pointed out to …
review by . February 07, 2007
posted in Movie Hype
This movie has everything-- predictable plot, wooden acting, monsters, bad guys, selfless heroes, villainous professors, pretty heroines, bombs, guns and explosions (although my husband noted that there wasn't much nudity or sex.) We had a great time making fun of it, guessing what was going to happen next (which wasn't hard; we were right every time) and laughing at the incredibly bad dialogue. This would be a good movie to watch on Halloween night with the kids who are too old for trick or treating. …
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Ryan J. Marshall ()
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It's very likely that the only kind of reviews I'll ever post here are movie reviews. I'm very passionate about film; and at this point, it pretty much controls my life. Film gives us a purpose; … more
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vAs another entry in the video-game-to-movie genre,Alone in the Darkcertainly delivers in terms of its splattering gore and number of things that get shot or blown up with the kind of arsenal familiar to any fan of games that allow the player to shoot or blow things up. You could argue that some game-based movies have been big successes--gauged either by audience appeal or box office scores. Even though a lot of hardcore gamers probably won't care,Alone in the Darkis not of that ilk. At least theResident EvilandTomb Raiderseries had some interesting characters and locations (not to mention sexy stars). ButAlone in the Darkis crippled from the first by a mundane setting of caves, laboratories, and street-fighting backgrounds as well as a cast (including Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, and Tara Reid) that couldn't be less interested in the overly complex plot. The absurdity starts right away with a long expository pre-title text crawl that carries all the gravitas of a "Monty Python" sketch intro. The gist of the plot has a group of scientists, special-ops military guys, and paranormal freaks and geeks investigating evil creatures that were once harnessed by an extinct subset race of Native Americans. Unleashed again, the creatures must be destroyed, which is where the video game blasting and attendant gore comes into play. Considering the cult following the game series carries (the first installment is over a decade old),Alone in the Darkcould find a nice ...
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Details

Director: Uwe Boll
Genre: Horror
Release Date: 2005
MPAA Rating: R
DVD Release Date: May 10, 2005
Runtime: 1hr 36min
Studio: Lions Gate
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