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Exploiting "If" (originally by Rudyard Kipling)

  • Nov 1, 2008
  • by
If you were young back then when friends around you
were choosing films at the local drive-in
If you could go back in time to watch anew
Would you laugh or scream, or cringe with chagrin
If you waited and never gave up waiting
for the chance to once more see delightful
exploitation movies with their B-rating
and look away from the parts too frightful

If you were to start off with Planet Terror
You'll watch in horror as a dread disease
mutates all those who make the fatal error
of touching oozing flesh like rotting cheese
If you can force your gut to still continue
you'll observe a woman with missing leg
strap a destructive weapon as a sinew
to help to take the sickos down a peg

If you observe a lurking Chevy Nova
while out with friends who've had too much to drink
If a grizzled old stuntman calls you over
If you can run, don't take the time to think
If you borrow a car just for a joyride
Satisfying your adrenaline fix
Yours is the rush that comes from deep down inside
When the tables turn and you get your kicks

If you had dreamed - then you need dream no longer
We all know they're intentionally lame
If you can face your critics and be stronger
And treat the two directors just the same
Now you can cheer and watch the cheesy action
Filmed as two parts to maximize your fun
Zombies and death cars for your satisfaction
Eagerly striving to not be outdone

Amanda Richards

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More Grindhouse reviews
review by . September 26, 2010
posted in Movie Hype
   Pretty much, I've only really been excited about seeing one or two of the 50 or so major films that come out each year, probably for about the last decade. I think there's something chemical about the whole process. When I was a kid, practically everything I saw on the screen I loved, not to mention the hundreds of movies I caught on HBO at home. Most of my DVD collection, in fact, is comprised of flicks that I saw first in the 80's, and most of them are of questionable …
About the reviewer
Amanda Richards ()
Ranked #39
I write reviews for a hobby. Most of my reviews are short and to the point, on account of my short attention span. I try to make my reviews both informative and entertaining, and sometimes I succeed. … more
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