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A movie directed by Eli Roth

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Welcome to the Hostel Bratislava

  • Nov 17, 2008
  • by
(To the tune of The Eagles' Hotel California)

In a dark Slovak hostel
Free love fills the air
Warm heat from the spa steam
Heating guys everywhere
At night there's the disco
But no shimmering lights
When you get dizzy and your legs get weak
It's time to stop for the night
There they stand in the doorway
All but ringing a bell
And he was thinking to himself
This must be heaven and there ain't no hell
Then they stripped off their garments
And they showed him the way
There were voices down the corridor
He thought he heard them say

Welcome to the Hostel Bratislava
Such a lovely place
(Such a lovely place)
For an American face
Plenty of rooms at the Hostel Bratislava
Any time of year
(Any time of year)
You will find us here
You will find us here

Her mind is currency twisted
On her job she depends
She's got a lot of sadistic brutes
That she calls friends
How they attract the tourists
Sweet Slavic $ex
The girls you'll remember
The rest you'd rather forget
He tried calling his roommates
One, twice, several times
They said
We've had enough, and we've all gone home
But you stay for the wine
But still those voices were screaming from far, far away
He woke up in the dawn's early light
And he heard them say


Meat hooks on the ceiling
Caged like rats and mice
And he knew
They were all just prisoners there
Each with a bloody price
And in the torture chambers
They gathered for the feast
Watching him with steely eyes
As they try to kill the beast
Last thing he remembered
He was seeing blood and gore
He had to find a safe way back or at least to an open door
Relax, said his captors
Give and you'll receive
You will check out any time we like
But you will never leave

(Extra verse)

This one's not really scary
And if you like blood and gore
You'll see
That except for the eyeball
They don't show you much more
Down in the butcher's chambers
With a chainsaw named STIHL
You'll have to use imagination
To give yourself a chill
Last thing you'll remember
Is the Tarantino scene
If you eat with your fingers, you'll know what I mean
So if you don't want it too bloody
And enjoy T&A
Rent this movie for a night tonight
And then call it a day


Rated: 3.5 stars

Amanda Richards

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January 26, 2009
Filker (which you obviously aren't) is a term from science fiction fandom. They are people who make up alternate lyrics to existing well-known songs. They lyrics originally were set to folk music (a typo turned it into filk) and dealt with science fiction, fantasy, and to a lesser extent horror books, movies,comix etc. Eventually it branched out to the point where people started writing their own music and the lyrics started dealing with computers, space exploration apart from fiction, and any sort of science. Anything the fannish mind found interesting. Filkers now have their own conventions. You can buy filk tapes and cds of the best songs of the conventions or you can buy your favorite filker's cds. Its almost gone from the good old days of a sing along to more of a spectator sport.
January 26, 2009
Are you by any chance a filker? That was absolutely great! Much better than the movie deserves.
More Hostel reviews
review by . October 13, 2010
posted in Movie Hype
“Terrible referred to truly horrifying things like the movie Showgirls or giant squid-things that leave you sincerely wondering how they could come into being on the earth as we know it.” This is a quote from John McWhorter’s book The Power of Babel a linguistics book I started reading last night. I really had no idea that this glib and hysterical comment would be useful just the next day. Add to that, I never thought I’d see a movie worse than Hannibal and you get a perfect …
review by . November 19, 2008
I'll admit it: I'm biased. I should have never gone to see this movie. I hate gorey horror flicks. However, I do try to find some redeeming quality in every movie I see. I'm enough of a movie buff to be able to appreciate the score even if I hate the movie, or appreciate a small cameo appearance when the main characters all make me want to punch someone.     Hostel has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The plot line is predictable in a way I haven't witnessed since the last …
review by . October 15, 2008
posted in Movie Hype
Pros: ...     Cons: ...     The Bottom Line:   "Just scream   let the voices out, lord   Just scream   Let the voices out"   ~Tom Cochrane         This was a fairly disturbing film that I can only qualify as ‘slasher flick'. It wasn't horror, although it was certainly horrible in mannerism, and it isn't monster, although it serves up several two-legged monsters …
review by . November 08, 2008
Amsterdam, one of the funnest places in the world. Where better to begin our trip? Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson) are two horny young men vacationing through Europe with new friend, Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson). Staying in a hostel in Amsterdam and accidentally locked out after curfew, they are invited in through the window of a neighboring house by an oddball named Alex (Lubomir Bukovy).     Alex tells the young men of a hostel in Slovakia where the girls will …
review by . July 16, 2007
posted in Movie Hype
I remember hearing that this movie was so scary and disturbing from a friend of mine. That it is one of the first real creepy movies of the 21st century. I am here to tell you that this is the one of the dumbest and low grade movies I have seen in a long time. As a matter of fact I was laughing out loud at how stupid it was. I honestly don't care if Quentin Tarantino's name is attached to this movie "Hostel" was awful and dreadful. Now the R rating has its merit, there is plenty of gore, language …
review by . July 18, 2006
I didn't like Hostel. The premise is frightening. The idea of being drugged, kidnapped, tortured, and killed by people who are paying to do it, is a great concept for a film. It's just too bad that the movie couldn't decide what it wanted to be.    It starts off like "Eurotrip" or any number of cheesy teen sex comedies. Lots of nudity and a number characters acting idiotic and giddy, in a fake atmosphere. Scenes in dance clubs that don't look realistic. Anyway, this goes on and …
review by . May 13, 2006
"Hostel" is quite a step up from "Cabin Fever" for writer/director Eli Roth. He seems to take his characters and their development quite a bit more serious than in his previous effort. I actually felt some attachment to Jay Hernandez' character once he realizes what's happening in this tale. With that said, however, I wouldn't rank "Hostel" among the top thrillers or horror flicks in the genre.    First off, just having a lot of gore and blood pumped on to the screen doesn't …
About the reviewer
Amanda Richards ()
Ranked #41
I write reviews for a hobby. Most of my reviews are short and to the point, on account of my short attention span. I try to make my reviews both informative and entertaining, and sometimes I succeed. … more
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About this movie


Starring Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Barbara Nedeljakova
Directed by Eli Roth
Writer:  Eli Roth

Product Description
Presented by genre master Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2) and directed by Eli Roth (Cabin Fever) Hostel is a shocking and relentless film in the tradition of Saw about two American backpackers (Jay Hernandez Friday Night Lights and Derek Richardson Dumb and Dumberer) in Europe who find themselves lured in as victims of a murder-for-profit business.Paxton and Josh two college friends are lured by a fellow traveler to what's described as a nirvana for American backpackers a particular hostel in an out-of-the-way Slovakian town stocked with Eastern European women as desperate as they are gorgeous. The two friends arrive and soon easily pair off with exotic beauties Natalya and Svetlana. In fact too easily...Initially distracted by the good time they're having the two Americans quickly find themselves trapped in an increasingly sinister situation that they will discover is as wide and as deep as the darkest sickest recess of human nature itself if they survive.System Requirements:Run Time: 94 minutesFormat: DVD MOVIE Genre: ACTION/ADVENTURE/THRILLERS Rating: UNRATED UPC: 043396138384 Manufacturer No: 13838
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