Pros: Debbie Gibson didn't sing, CGI worth a laugh
Cons: there are many
The Bottom Line: "Ya know when that shark bites, with his teeth, babe Scarlet billows start to spread" ~Weill, Brecht, Blitzstein
If I supplied nothing beyond the title of this movie, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, it would pretty much wrap up the entire thing. However, I would slight you by not divulging some of the more amusing antidotes shown down the journey of this Asylum production.
These two prehistoric creatures were frozen, mid-battle, in a huge ice floe during the Ice Age. They would have probably remained so until global warming finally got around to their rather massive hunk of ice had it not been for some tinkering by the government, as government agencies are wont to do. Now that they are on the loose, and pretty ticked off, we are left with a way to figure out how to destroy them.
Our saviors in this escapade are Debbie Gibson as Emma, uber mini-sub operator; Vic Chao as Shimada, a Japanese marine biologist that seems in bad stead with his government for some reason; Sean Lawlor as Lamar, ex-professor to Emma and ex-naval captain that crashed a rather expensive submarine; and, finally, for some reason, Lorenzo Lamas as Allan. I think he works either for a money corporation or is somehow involved with the government. It’s all very ambiguous.
The basis plot I have already discussed - creatures loose, destruction by government. Rather than hash that ridiculous plot any further, I will just highlight some of the more amusing portions of the story.
We open with a mini-sub, “borrowed” by Emma and a sidekick, to explore some Arctic waters. Why is never divulged other than the fact she just calls herself a fish. This sub is on hand when the nefarious government project goes awry and the creatures are released from their ice floe. Of course. Clearly there are only two people in this sub. Emma is driving, using a joystick in her right hand which plainly shows she has no nail polish on her dainty fingers. She is also using her right hand to guide the sub.
First, having never been in a mini-sub, do they use a joystick? Second, when it shoots to her operating various other pieces of equipment in the sub, it shows her right hand with black nail polish on the fingers. This is while the right hand is still operating the joystick. Quite a feat I would figure and a quick manicure to boot.
Another pleasant scene is a shot of a plane, Condor Airlines, zooming through the clouds at an unbelievable rate of speed. From my own personal experience flying, if you look out the windows it sometimes appears you aren’t even moving but this bad boy is clipping along. So fast, in fact, the CGI people forgot to fill in parts of the wings in some scenes and you can plainly see the clouds through the wings. Oops. Better yet, our shark, it is a Megalodon by the way, leaps from the ocean and snatches this plane right out of the sky like a toy. Hello? We’re talking about 30,000 feet plus in the air. Now THAT is some flying fish.
His next entrée is the Golden Gate Bridge. Yes, he engulfs the thing like it was made from Tinker Toys, which it probably was for this shot.
Don’t let me leave the octopus out. His luscious arms embrace an entire oil rig. This is before he starts playing “keep away” with a few subs in the ocean. These things look like toothpicks in his massive tentacles. He doesn’t get nearly the action though that the shark does. The shark actually bites through several of the subs, ripping them in half. He also takes out a rather large air craft carrier.
Yet, through all this, Emma and gang are able to deftly maneuver that mini sub around with no problem, other than the usual tossing people all over the place they always have in sub shots. What a gal.
Despite the fact that all hell is breaking loose with these critters, Emma and Shimada take time out for a quickie in the broom closet. The up side of that is the light bulb goes off over Emma’s head and she realizes that the answer to their problem is pheromones. It also allows Shimada to deliver an amusing one-liner about getting a tingle every time he sees a broom.
In fact the movie is chock full of amusing one-liners and ridiculous quips. It is obvious the entire cast and crew decided to make fun of this morose movie but they never stoop so low as to address the viewing audience with their collective glee. Instead they infuse the entire movie with camp and upbeat charm that has you laughing rather than gasping in fear.
Surprisingly they never show the octopus, which was lured to Tokyo Bay, do any destruction there. Guess they decided Tokyo had suffered enough at the paws of Godzilla in the past. All destruction this time was in San Francisco, the air, or the ocean.
No awards were visited to this film although I think the entire cast should have received something just for completing the movie. It does carry an R rating for some language, which is to be expected when you see a critter this large leap 30,000 feet into the air. It was written and directed by Jack Perez who sometimes goes by Ace Hannah when a film is truly bad.
Not a movie for everyone but, then again, the typical audience wouldn’t wander over to a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus anyway. I won’t say it is a horrible movie, just poorly made and ridiculous. However, it would play well for those that delve into these waters anyway.
A warning to all schlock enthusiasts and avid riffers alike: this recent addition to the great trash pile of American B-cinema isn't a tenth as entertaining as its title suggests. The epic struggle between the titular gargantuan beasts is far too brief (six minutes at the most); far more attention is granted to the offensively untalented cast and ridiculous-looking military personnel who wear Ray-Bans, brandish M-16s and posture prominently in two-thirds of the movie's establishing shots. … more
MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS Oh that silly Asylum is up to it again this time bringing forth two giant creatures from the sea to do battle. Well that is of course if they don't kill all of us as well, oh them crazy monsters. The Asylum Productions is one of my favorite production companies because they actually don't care and put out not only stuff like this but Mock Busters as well. Those would be the rip offs of other successful films out … more