A warning to all schlock enthusiasts and avid riffers alike: this recent addition to the great trash pile of American B-cinema isn't a tenth as entertaining as its title suggests. The epic struggle between the titular gargantuan beasts is far too brief (six minutes at the most); far more attention is granted to the offensively untalented cast and ridiculous-looking military personnel who wear Ray-Bans, brandish M-16s and posture prominently in two-thirds of the movie's establishing shots.
If Debbie-deb Creamcheese wants us to respect her more distinguished moniker two decades after her lightweight music career peaked, maybe she should learn how to act. She's hopelessly wooden, and most of her co-stars don't fare much better. However, Lorenzo Lamas is something else entirely; he's introduced almost forty minutes (though still far too early) into the video and gnaws every cheap plastic set that he's in as some sort of obnoxious, omnipotent military authority who makes Albert Rosenfield from Twin Peaks seem affable in comparison. He says "sharkzilla" twice and it is not funny either time. He spews calculatedly racist quips so that the other cast members can respond with vapid revulsion and the audience can shake their heads at this colorful character. If Lamas doesn't feel like waking up early to show up on the set of a B-movie, that's fine. He should step aside so that Mark Hamill or Bruce Campbell can take his place and at least try to make the role somewhat fun and interesting.
It's extraordinary that a video in which a huge shark flies out of the ocean to chomp on a jet airplane and the Golden Gate Bridge is so boring. As extravagantly bad as this is, it's also hopelessly bland, and nowhere near as funny as it could have been if production company The Asylum didn't take their substandard work so seriously. Now, there are a few riotous moments - maybe this is only because I was so tired at the time, but Gibson's epiphany regarding the age-old natural hatred that exists between immense sharks and octopuses make me laugh so hard that my face felt as though it were about to tear itself off of my skull. However, this hilarity is only one of a few bright stars in this feature's murky and uneventful sky. Maybe this should have been a Japanese production. If so, the many conspicuously fake Japanese of the cast would have been authentic, the creatures more rubbery and the fight scenes more creatively executed. As it is, this is fit to fall asleep to.
MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS Oh that silly Asylum is up to it again this time bringing forth two giant creatures from the sea to do battle. Well that is of course if they don't kill all of us as well, oh them crazy monsters. The Asylum Productions is one of my favorite production companies because they actually don't care and put out not only stuff like this but Mock Busters as well. Those would be the rip offs of other successful films out … more
Pros: Debbie Gibson didn't sing, CGI worth a laugh Cons: there are many The Bottom Line: "Ya know when that shark bites, with his teeth, babe Scarlet billows start to spread" ~Weill, Brecht, Blitzstein If I supplied nothing beyond the title of this movie, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, it would pretty much wrap up the entire thing. However, I would slight you by … more