First off I should preface this by confessing that I am a big transformers fan: 1) I blame my brother for introducing me to the cartoon series at a young age and 2) I blame Michael Bay for making it look so badass to be a transforming robot. I mean, let’s be honest here, Bay has created three films for a franchise that can now continue to grow by showing younger generations that “old” cartoons make for some pretty cool stories (and toys).
Granted, I should give myself a disclaimer, adding that Bay is not a great story teller by any stretch of the imagination, and his films aren’t meant to be Oscar winning or anything close to that, but it is obvious that he knows how to entertain an audience. But let’s digress, as I need to just throw this out there to who hate Michael Bay, perhaps you need to look beyond the story, sure there the story is faulty, but you do have to admit the skill Bay shows creating explosions and CGI transforming robots is the coolest thing and for the audience he is creating for, it is beyond cool. So to all you Bay haters – Get over it! Stop beating yourself up by trying to make Bay something more than he is: a genius for bigger, badder things that go boom, with an eye for detail with CGI that make fans nerd-gasm in their pants. Mhmm I said it, and all you out there reading this know exactly what I’m talking about. Well now that that’s out of the way, let’s get down to the nuts and bolts of why we are here.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a visually stunning summer blockbuster. Although, it clearly suffers a bit of a rocky start, leading with some awkward transitions in storytelling and poorly casted extras wearing highly recognizable full face prosthetics that make the actors look like the Barbie factory had a mishap in their Ken department, but by the film’s mid-point, you have all but forgotten the pathetic, torture of the opening scenes, and have moved on to enjoying Bay’s in-your-face entertainment. But before too long you are reminded of the storyline when wait a minute… is that Buzz Aldrin making a cameo appearance (a la Stan Lee style)? Hehe oh yes, it is. Michael Bay all but bitch-slaps the audience with the insanity of humans casted in various roles throughout Dark of the Moon.
So we have covered the astronaut appearance, and we know that Shia LaBeouf returns as Sam Witwichy, Josh Duhamel as Lennox, the whacky John Turturro as “Former” Agent Simmons, Tyrese Gibson as Epps, and thankfully Megan Fox has been kicked to the curb and replaced by British Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley who is just a hot bod in heels. Yet, it is the new faces that make cast dynamics so interesting; John Malkovich plays Sam’s insane boss Bruce Brazos and Frances McDormand plays the US Secretary of Defense Charlotte Mearing, each of their appearances almost brings about a Burn After Reading hilarity to an already outrageous film. Without giving away too much I just want to add this, it is nice to see McDreamy get his ass handed to him by a kid. But let’s not forget, the Transformers series is not about the humans… it is about the robots!
It was great to see the traditional characters back in action. Bumblebee is adorable as ever (I’ve missed the teary eyed Autobot since Revenge of the Fallen), Ironhide is still a badass, and of course Optimus Prime who has a few upgrades of his own like a trailer full of new toys that he can combine to create even bigger explosions and Decepticon destruction. But it is the quirky Autobots like Wheelie and the addition of Brains and an Albert Einstein look alike Bot named Wheeljack that make it clear that Dark of the Moon is all about having fun. Even the fact that the addition of Leonard Nimoy, who voices Galvatron, brings a smile to ones face and may even bring out some of the Trekkies .
My only real complaint with the Dark of the Moon is that after seeing it in IMAX 3D, I wish that Bay had stepped back and provided a few more slow-motion transformation sequences like those in Revenge of the Fallen was so full of. There is so much taking place in Dark of the Moon, and with characters like Driller (Shockwave’s pet), the screen was so busy I had a hard to focus on all the action. I, personally would have loved to have seen more CGI that the Transformers franchise has become so well known for, and yet maybe even another “big robot balls” joke or two. But all in all the film is highly entertaining, well worth the money and 155 minutes spent in the theater.
Dearest Michael Bay I ask, will you ever again give us a film shy of the 120 minute marker? Although I will happily confess that I am an avid admirer of your “make it bigger” philosophy with regards to explosions, fight sequences and CGI effects, I feel you will leave me no choice but to do the potty dance as I race from the theater after your films. Word to the wise: if you plan to see Transformers be sure to use the restroom before entering the theater and opt out of the Michael Bay size sodas that the concession stands are now selling. This is just a warning for adults, come in pairs, one to watch the kids in the theater and one to make the multiply potty runs.
I give Transformers: Dark of the Moon a 2 out of 5 for story and a 4 out of 5 for badass-ness.
