WHAT CAN I SAY?
Say what you want about what you want
One-Eyed Monster

A movie directed by Adam Fields

< read all 1 reviews

When You See it Coming--YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!!

  • Jun 4, 2009
Rating:
+2

In the tradition of the Japanese "pink" horror film "Sexual Parasite", co-writer/director Adam Fields brings us "One-Eyed Monster", the male ‘alternative' to the female killer genitalia horror film. The film is a comedic homage to "Alien"; a tribute to horror and porn films. The title pretty much says it all, but surprisingly the film isn't as exploitive as one would expect, it delivers its subtle humor with a straight face and it is not your cheeky comedic horror film.

A small group of porn filmmakers go to an isolated location in the mountains to make a new porn film. Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart (who play themselves) are two aging stars who believe that they have something left in the tank, even in the presence of younger, arguably more desirable stars. Once there, a blizzard strands them in a small cabin and they decide to wait out the storm. Unfortunately, Ron Jeremy comes into a huge problem as his favorite human part literally runs away with itself and starts raping some female stars and murdering the cast. Now it is up to the remaining cast to trap and kill this ‘one-eyed monster' who is hungry for a good time.

The film's concept is pretty stupid and quite frankly, doesn't really make sense. (But this is why we are watching this aren't we?) A lone d**k running around raping and killing people sounds pretty silly and it is, director Adam Fields does try to make it work by trying to give the film elements of claustrophobia and tension. He tries anyway, as our cast tries to build on the alien-occupied d**k. The film is pretty much your stereotypical "trapped with a monster" movie, but I found it real difficult to connect with the characters. I'm not sure whether I should try to take the film seriously or not, the attempts for suspense do falter and I just couldn't help snickering whenever someone says the word ‘dick' with such terror. The direction tries an ala-"Jaws" approach, as you don't see the culprit until later (although the script made it perfectly clear that it's Ron's growing member). The film has blood and gore, but most of the ‘d**k' scene kill attacks happen off-camera. I thought maybe the film would have been a lot better if the Japanese or Troma could've undertaken this project. (remember "La Blue Girl" live action and "Killer Condom"?) I'm not sure, I think this film may have been more entertaining if it was more exploitive and more tongue-and-cheek.

I found it rather surprising that for a film with this premise would have so little nudity and sex. While this wouldn't be a bad thing for a horror film, but more nudity and sex may have helped the film. I understand that director Fields may have intended the film for other horror fans, but let's face it, you're making a film about a killer d**k, which is already a silly concept, be silly as much as you can. The acting is pretty ‘wooden', Ron and Veronica don't act like people, they act like porn stars. I know these two aren't known for their acting skills, but hey, they should at least try. I have to say, the years have been very kind to Veronica Hart--she still looks mighty hot for her age. The supporting cast is pretty decent at times with Charles Napier and Amber Benson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) in the mix. Napier channels Robert Shaw from "Jaws". Jason Graham plays the tough guy and Caleb Mayo plays the nerdy guy who invents a device called a "neuro-tactile celebrity simulator". (which I thought was pretty funny). The hotties are made up of C-list actresses, Jenny Guy and Carmen Hart (who play Wanda and Angel respectively) and curiously only Angel gets to show her stuff.

The script does have its clever moments and does serve up some funny dialogue. It is tactless enough to draw the audience it is intended for, but it doesn't push away those who happen to just rent this out of curiosity. But it does come short, for a film like this to work, be as tactless and provocative as you can, be shocking as possible so the cult horror fans may just be awed. The kill scenes are pretty mediocre, but it does have some creative moments as with the kill scene with Angel and Veronica‘s "C-clamp" (known as the ‘banana cutter‘ to some Asian countries)--but it doesn't show the gory details on-screen. How many ways can a d**k kill you? The film misses a lot of opportunities. But thankfully our main antagonist isn't CGI-rendered that gives the film its B-movie charm.

I'm not really sure what to make of this film, it has good intentions but I can feel that the film was held back. It does have decent production values, and it is nicely shot on some scenes. It delivers its premise with a serious tone, while that should be a good thing, the timing of the humor is a little dry; what ends up is a film a bit confused in its tone--that the viewer may find the film uneven and dull. Adam Field's heart is in the right place, and he does attempt to make the ridiculous become enjoyable. The film will not become a classic, but it is worth a rental to those who like outrageous flicks such as this.

Rental [2 ½ Stars]

 

Dvd cover

What did you think of this review?

Helpful
10
Thought-Provoking
2
Fun to Read
3
Well-Organized
3
Post a Comment
June 08, 2009
That's pretty damn funny. Great job like usual!
 
June 05, 2009
That's funny, I was just telling Scotman how you and Trashie were the "dirty ones" on the site and here's another review to back that statement up. LOL.
June 05, 2009
I never denied that fact. I deny limits--I would watch ANYTHING to see what is good or bad. LOL!
June 05, 2009
I do love the review title, though.
June 05, 2009
I was rrreeally tempted to use "cumming" LOL!
June 05, 2009
Yeah, that would've gone over real well, I'm sure. ;)
June 05, 2009
Count, he! I'll probably be banned LOL! Scottie, you... standards? phah! LOL
June 05, 2009
No just puts on pretenses, like we're gullible enough to believe he has standards. ;)
June 05, 2009
agreed.
June 05, 2009
See, you've just proved my point. You mean fuck, but you say frak. Same meaning, just different term... pretensions.
June 05, 2009
Fuck, Scottie, you should try to open up your standards--don't hide under a fucking rock. Shit, you need to chill on the 'frak' and the 'shat'. Scottie, repeat after me, f-u-c-k.. fuck!   s-h-i-t... shit! easy to say/type them..LMAO. I try to go over my limits--see how much I can take, but there is one area I may not go for...

Count, being called 'dirty' is the best compliment I've ever gotten LOL!
June 05, 2009
LOL  It seems Orlok forgot to mention one more old dirty bastard on this site & that would be me. He'll see one day. Haha! I have no qualms about watching a horror/porn hybrid. D'Amato made some pretty sleazy stuff back in the day too which I actually enjoy. Some people might say I'm downright nasty for enjoying this stuff but I'll suffice to just say I'm down, right? LMAO  
June 06, 2009
yeh, Cenobite, how can Orlok forget about you?? D'Amato made some real exploitive horror flicks, that almost feels like real 'only' porn. "Porno Holocaust" was by him, or am I mistaken?
June 06, 2009
Yep, Porno Holocaust was one of them. HEHE. The other one which I used to own was none other than Erotic Nights Of The Living Dead which was a hoot. Did you catch that one? Although both were pretty cool, I still prefer his infamous Beyond The Darkness. He sure was a sick bastard. LOL And so are you Woopak. ALOL Only kidding.
June 06, 2009
ENOTLD ruled! Porno holocaust was too much porn...haven't seen Beyond the darkness. Will have to check it out. Count, there's three of us now...LMAO
June 06, 2009
Oh man, do not skip on Beyond The Darkness. It's much less sexual than ENOTLD & Porno Holocaust but D'Amato considrs it to be his best film. It's easily one of my all-time favorite sick films. LMAO
June 07, 2009
my all time sick film is "SALO" not my fave, but it is arguably the sickest one ever made. saw that one? Iwill have to check out that D'amato flick
June 09, 2009
I do like the works of Pasolini but have yet the pleasure or displeasure of viewing Salo. I will be adding that one to my collection probably. Thanks for reminding me. Grins Yeah, the D'Amato flick is also a keeper so plan on getting yourself a copy of it. I won two of Beyond The Darkness. LOL
June 10, 2009
I didn't forget about cenobite here... I just know Woopak would take the prize of dirtiest bastard on Lunch. LOL! If Mackshere were still around though, Woo would come in at an unhealthy second. :)
June 12, 2009
what can I say? Thank you? LOL If I'm second place then that means Trashie would be third...hear that, Trash??
June 13, 2009
Yep, but don't tell him 'cause it'll go to his head (no pun intended).
June 14, 2009
I still cannot believe that this review is getting more attention than my other ones LOL!
June 15, 2009
Could it be the killer dick?
 
June 04, 2009
Haha. This one sounds too funny almost to pass up. This two star rating doesn't make me want to run out & buy it per se but I'll damn sure try to rent it. Ron Jeremy is the man! I actually wrote a review on his docu-film not too long ago for lunch. Have you seen that one? As always, excellent review. Glad you didn't make us wait too long for it. :-)~
June 05, 2009
This was alright but I have to say there are other better films with similar concepts; Sexual Parasite (look at my review in amazon) and Teeth--check them out! I will have to check out that docu-film. What's it called?
June 05, 2009
I have heard some amazing things on Teeth so I will surely get that one. Ok, will also check out Sexual Parasite too for that matter. Dude, you've gotta see the Jeremy docu film Porn Star. It's awesome bro. Let me know if you get the chance to see it. Thumbs up!!
June 06, 2009
Will do. I wonder if it's the same one as "Ron Jeremy the Legend"? Sexual parasite is the most dangerous poon-tang in Japanese cinema LOL! oh, there's a featurette in this dvd, it says "Spotlight on the Dick Wrangler". Apparently there is such a thing as a 'dick wrangler'...thought that was only in cartoons LMAO
June 06, 2009
Very cool. I would have to say this is right up my alley. You perverted piece of works! LOL j/k
June 06, 2009
Thank you, cenobite. You touch me with your kind compliments...LOL
June 06, 2009
since you're so cool here's a link to my review for Sexual Parasite in amazon http://www.amazon.com/review/R2W8OF3AKXTY9W/...deID=130#wasThisHelpful
June 06, 2009
Ni-ice. I will definitely check that one out Woo. I do my best to try & touch everyone although I'm rather afraid of repercussions. LOL Some people are already touched you see & it scares me to think of what a terrible influence I might be. LMAO Nice to know there are a few dirty bastards still out there...and on lunch to boot!!
June 07, 2009
he-heh. it is always fun to explore the dark side. So far, the sickest film I've been privy to is "SALO"--have you seen that film?
June 12, 2009
No, I 've never seen Salo but have always wanted to. When I first became privy of it, Salo was already out of print & people were selling copies on ammie for around $400 a pop. Criterion has done us a huge favor & re-released this classic so it's back on my list of must haves. I like Pasolini's style so I can't wait to watch this one!!
June 13, 2009
you haven't seen Salo...oh, you are in for one nasty ride. The new Criterion release is $ 29.99.  It even pushed my limits...and I am one dirty man! LOL
 
June 04, 2009
Unfortunately my sound isn't working so I couldn't hear any of the dialogue on the trailer. This puts me in mind of a movie I saw back around 1999 which also starred Ron Jeremy which (as best as I recall) was far more successful as a horror/comedy. It was called THEY BITE and it was directed by Brett Piper so there was lots of nudity and (since one of the story arcs was about a film crew making a porn film) there was quite a bit of g on g. I remember it as being surprisingly good. I kept trying to buy a copy from the video store but they wouldn't sell me one. Then one day they just went out of business and sold everything off before I knew they were closing. Its very expensive now if you can even find a copy. I suspect there might be an X-rated copy out there somewhere too. I think the answer to your question about how many ways it could kill you might be 3. =)
June 05, 2009
I think I heard about that film--I think hkflix may have that movie in stock. (I love that store) This had potential but you can see that it really wanted to approach it in a different way--more horror less cheeky humor, but it just couldn't exactly make it work. I rounded up the 2.5 rating in ammie because of its ambition. Here I can stick to my ratings. Only 3?? :)
June 05, 2009
Ammie has it but its at about $5 plus shipping for the VHS. Think its any cheaper at your place?
June 05, 2009
going for the dvd! It's may be a special order item, but I don't mind waiting 10 days for it.
June 05, 2009
Its been so many years since I've seen this! I'm dying to see if anyone else thinks this is as funny as I remember it being. I do remember fast forwarding through the porn scenes a lot though.
June 06, 2009
at least it's good to hear that a type of movie like that has substance. But honestly, Karen, I'll probably look at the porn scenes more especially if I watch it with my friends. he-heh.
 
1
About the reviewer
William ()
Ranked #2
Please "Like" Film and Movies and Keep the Economy strong....LOL!!      My Interests: Movies, Anime, History, Martial Arts, Comics, Entertainment,Cooking, Things I don't … more
Consider the Source

Use Trust Points to see how much you can rely on this review.

You
woopak_the_thrill
Your ratings:
rate more to improve this
About this movie

Wiki

Details

Cast: Carmen Hart
Director: Adam Fields
Release Date: 2008
MPAA Rating: Unrated
DVD Release Date: Ryko Distribution (April 28, 2009)
Runtime: 1hr 24min
First to Review
© 2014 Lunch.com, LLC All Rights Reserved
Lunch.com - Relevant reviews by real people.
WHAT CAN I SAY? is part of the Lunch.com Network - Get this on your site
()
This is you!
Ranked #
Last login
Member since
reviews
comments
ratings
questions
compliments
lists